Partner will return to work soon. I'm scared I won't make it

[TiredMommy93]

Hi everyone. If anyone remembers I recently started a desperate post where I said I hate my life. Thankfully for the most part... I've started to adapt to the new situation. My baby is 8 weeks old now and things are getting a little easier and I'm reading his cries much better and sometimes he even sleeps well at night.
But in a couple days my partner will return to work. We had shifts so everyone got a bit of sleep but that won't be possible anymore. And I don't function well without sleep (I don't think anyone does really) if I get overwhelmed I won't be able to give him the baby...
How did you guys cope? Any tips?
I'm so scared I'm crying...
Please help 😣

Have a chat with your health visitor (assuming you are in the UK). This is what they are for. They might have some tips and tricks to help you. Maybe you can organise your day better. Can anyone else come and sit with the baby while you have eg an afternoon nap? Have you tried putting the baby in the bed with you so you both sleep together at the same time.

Baby wear when you can, sleep if you can when the baby naps. Set yourself out your must do jobs for the day (even if it’s just sterilising bottles). Get out of the house for a walk or a coffee if you can, or even to the garden.

Co-sleeping saved us in the beginning, not for the full night but from about 9 weeks I’d bring her in with us if she wasn’t hungry. Also make the most of sleeping in if you can, it doesn’t happen with a second/third baby.

It may seem like it’s never ending but I think the 12 week mark was a real turning point for us and things seemed easier (she was more in a routine for night sleep and naps).

We cosleep ... probably the only reason I'm still standing

Make sure you get out the house even just for a little walk each day
You definitely can still do shifts just because he's working doesn't mean baby is solely on you to look after 24/7.
First DS was a terrible sleeper

We would do bed for me around 8ish and I would sleep DH would have baby downstairs til 11ish then come to bed with him. I would leave him some expressed milk he would sing/comfort etc. Then I would do any overnight wake til 5.30. DH would then take him again downstairs til he had to leave for work so I could get a nap in. He still got 6ish hours sleep in and I got about 5ish all be it in 2 chunks.

Sling! To get stuff done in the house whilst baby contact naps.

In terms of shifts, my DH takes the 5.30 to 7am before he leaves for work shift so I get those hours uninterrupted and he can napon the train in to work..

Huge sympathy, i think many of us have been in this position to a lesser or greater extent...thinking "I'll never cope with all this!"
You really should be proud of the progress you are making.

pps are right; ask your HV if you feel very down as could easily be a touch of PND. Can you ask your mum or partner's mum If they are around to help a bit?

I used a carry cot to let the baby sleep in at this age (you can just use base of the pram or a moses basket) and then got a sling so I could wear the baby (slings are AMAZING).

Don't try to do Anything except the bare minimum for survival. Grab a quick shower when your partner is home, and make some drinks and snacks before he leaves in the morning so you can eat quickly. Rest when the baby is resting, even if it is only short periods of time.

If possible when it isnt too hot, try and take your baby outside in sunlight and fresh air for a walk. It will do you both a world of good and both my babies loved to nap in the pram outdoors. Just be careful baby doesnt overheat.

Sending you a big hug and a whole heap of courage - one day at a time, and every day is a new day. If you are absolutely exhausted it is ok to ask for help! You don't have to be superwoman.

My baby only sleeps in a sling... That's a big problem for me.

Sounds daft, but you just learn to cope. You just go into mum mode and get on with it. When your baby reaches 12 weeks you will notice such a difference. our DD is almost 4 months and sleeps through the night. And stirs about 5 and I bring her in beside me when DP gets up for work.

When he goes back to work, when the baby sleeps, you sleep. That's what I did. Still do sometimes.

It's the only way you survive the tiredness xx

Our parents don't live here. We don't have any support.
But I'll take your advice and do the absolute minimum. Cleaning bottles, doing laundry, making easy food and sleeping. That's all.
The crying and everything isn't a problem at all. But the sleepless nights... I dread them.

Why does your DP returning to work mean taking it in shifts overnight will end? Does he work nights?

Cosleeping
sling walks
Have you made any Mum friends?
With my second baby I had to nursery run too so I always showered while DH could look after the baby and that made a huge difference.

Definitely get out of the house as much as possible. Go for walks. Find some baby groups and sign up for them. If you get the right ones you'll find that if you are overwhelmed you will be able to pass the baby over to one of the organisers and someone will probably get you a cup of tea.

I remember years ago with my first, I'd had a night of no sleep and felt like a tearful zombie. I turned up at the children's centre and one of the ladies took one look at me, relieved me of the baby, and sent me to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. I sat on the sofa drinking tea for an hour whilst she played with my DD. I've never forgotten it.

Make sure you find a new pattern that works for you both. We had a high needs baby. My DH did some night time care for our baby (usually 10pm-2am). I think unless they are a pilot or a surgeon they should still be parenting their child when they are home. I used to also get one full nights sleep a week (DH have expressed milk) which helped.

You would also be a really good candidate for home start. Ask your HV to refer you or refer yourself. Volunteers might be willing hold the baby whilst you have a nap.

Your dp returning to work shouldn't mean you do everything (unless he works away)

IMHO the split when he's home should be 50/50 particularly while you're finding things tricky

Take things one day at a time, try to do at least one thing a day, even if it's just going for a walk or for a coffee

DH went back to work when DD was 2 weeks old and we'd just moved to a new area so had no support whatsoever.
He used to get home from work at about 6pm, usually as I was feeding DD. As soon as I'd finished that feed and I'd just hand him the baby, go and have a bath and then go to bed for a couple of hours until she was ready for another feed when he'd bring her to me. After that feed, I went back to sleep and he did any nappy changes, settling etc and then he'd come to bed at about midnight. After that, I was "on duty" until about 6am, doing a feed just after midnight, again at about 3am and then another at 5.30ish. After that 5.30 feed, I'd wake DH and he'd do any settling, nappy changes and then keep her occupied whilst he was showering and getting ready for work and I tried to get some more sleep. At 7.30, he'd bring me DD, a cup of tea and breakfast and head off to work.
We were both exhausted but it seemed the best way of ensuring DH got enough sleep to go to work (not a manual job or a job where anyone would die if he made a mistake but it could cost hundreds of thousands plus his commute was driving) and I had enough sleep to function.

My DH worked/works long hours and we had a very colicky crying baby. Worked for us for him to be in charge up until midnight. So he went to sleep at midnight and got just enough rest for work and I got a good chunk of sleep in 7pm-midnight

Get out of the house even if it’s just a walk around your immediate area. I used o have a shower with baby in the doorway so I could keep an eye (it was like a 5 minute shower).

I found meal prepping some stuff that could go in the microwave helpful - really simple stuff like couscous and prawns.

I think at 8 weeks I may have spent quite a bit of time watching tele as DD still liked sleeping ontop of me and wouldn’t tolerate a sling (you can listen to an audio book or podcast too if you are stuck under a baby).

If you feel overwhelmed, put the baby down somewhere safe and take 5 to calm down. (This was so important for me, to just step away sometimes).

Definitely do the bare minimum I did find prioritising a clean kitchen helped so dishwasher emptied either late at night or early morning so stuff could be chucked. I picked stuff up as I went from one room to another helped keep things vaguely tidy. Don’t bother ironing anything unless you need to, even baby stuff, I used to take stuff straight out of the dryer.

Unless your DH really can’t he needs to share some of the night stuff, so either on weekends if he has to sleep for work (driver, in charge of a nuclear power plant) or divide it up so he does up to midnight and you do after. Make sure you do this now, many a woman ends up in a pattern of being default night time parent, don’t let that happen.

It’s hard doing it by yourself, we did too and never having someone to just throw the baby at is immensely tiring. But you got this, it’s not easy but you will find a rhythm. I was terrified of being left with the baby alone, I’m not maternal, definitely had PND and really struggled with the adjustment. But DD survived and so did I.

Try and go to a few groups, I found having something to get ready for and out the house made me feel better however tired I was. Also adult conversation is really helpful even if it's just to compare how tired you are!!

I did minimal things until I felt ready. You don't need to do anything except take care of your baby and yourself. If you don't feel like leaving the house that's fine. You will soon it just takes time and can be overwhelming. I also think you have a bit of fear of the unknown and once your husband goes back to work and youve had a few days to get used to it you'll be ok. When you feel ready just start with short walks to the shop, to the park etc. I agree with what others said about sleeping I coslept until my son was a year old and he started to sleep through. He also would only nap on me whilst nursing. I occasionally extracted him from me by placing a muslin between us and slowly lowering him to a blanket nest on the floor! But I only did this if I felt I could cope with him waking up straightway otherwise I rested as best as I could and watched a lot of Netflix!

I found it really useful to get muse washed and dressed before DH left for the day, so I could get out of the house. I always found the day would get away from me & I would be still in pjs in the afternoon if I didn't. Even something really comfy that you could nap in, but washed and dressed.

I did minimal amounts during the day - just what I could manage. I have a 2yr old too so my day just seems to revolve around them while I'm on maternity leave.

You can still do shifts with your DP. Mine does the night feeds and if one is needed before he goes to work. His last two shifts have been 15hrs (usually 12-13hrs) due to emergencies and he's still taken over the childcare when he's got home.

If you just have one baby then only do things when they're asleep if you're feeling overwhelmed. Don't be rushing around trying to make the house look clean and tidy all the time as it will get on top of you. My DP does the bottle cleaning late at night and that's also when we wash up/do the dishwasher.

The HV told me on her last visit that there's been more research done into leaving babies to cry if you're struggling. There's no harm done in leaving the baby safely in a room and having 5-10mins to compose yourself.

My DP works a mix of night and day shifts and I used to hate the nights alone. Now my baby is 16wks I don't have to get up in the night to feed etc and it's lovely. He wakes me up a lot though as he flaps and thrashes about in his sleep. My first kid never moved in her sleep but I still never seemed to be able to sleep well.

We would do bed for me around 8ish and I would sleep DH would have baby downstairs til 11ish then come to bed with him.

This is exactly what we did in the early months too. At least I knew I'd get a few undisturbed hours at the start of the night. Then, even if I only got 3 or 4 broken hours over the rest of the night it would still add up to a somewhat decent sleep.

My husband works away and I was on my own for 5 weeks when my LO was 6 weeks old. I was also panicked about how I would cope, but I did. You just kinda have to! If you have family or friends nearby accept any help offered so you can get some you time!

Hi Op, I remember reading about the 4th trimester in a book while I was pregnant and I thought that is just silly but it is so true. As soon as Dd turned 3m everything became just so much easier.

Try to get some sleep when your DH gets home from work and re-energise on the weekends.

Everything is just a phase and will not last forever. X

Try and get a routine going. I did that from day one and it took a few weeks but did sink in. Bath, little made up story, feed cuddle then down. Repeat over and over. If baby fusses then a few strokes, soothing noises (I tried not to pick them up and definitely do not turn the light on or take them out if the room). Result was by three months my kids went down well. I woke them fue sleepy feed before I went to bed and they woke once again before up at 6ish.
I'm sure people will say I was lucky but it's no coincidence that the friends who did similiar also had babies that slept well at night and those who let the baby dictate were still dealing with a fussy baby past 11pm.
During the day get out, walk fresh air etc. don't let your baby nap excessively during the day or too close to bed time (just gently wake them up).
It takes a while but it worked.
And have confidence in yourself, accept help of offered, and don't let hubby off the hook just because he works outside the home.