Abortion

[Hollyjack]

Hollyjack · Today 09:21
So my 30 year old niece has just found out she’s pregnant she has learning difficulties and lives with my sister who is her carer. There has been a family discussion between my sister and her ex husband and other niece that she is to have an abortion but my niece wants to have the baby. I’m totally torn as I just feel this is unethical and my niece should be able to live the life she wants and be a mum however also understand this is a lot for my sister as it would all fall onto her as she would most likely have to give her job up as my niece would not be able to cope on her own and would need 24 hour support. Thoughts please as I feel angry that she is being forced to terminate

This should be moved to a more suitable topic

Surely the staff would be able to tell she's being forced in to aborting? Who impregnated her?

How do I move the thread

@mnhq can you move for OP please?

I can see why you feel conflicted. I don’t really know how to comment on whether she should or not. But I just wanted to share some sympathy for an awful situation where you are reasonable to feel upset.

Report your opening post and ask for it to be moved.

Have the baby or terminate the pregnancy aren't the only two options.

Could your niece move into supported accommodation? Where's the father in all this? Was this a consensual relationship? Does your niece have a social worker? Does she have any understanding at all of what 'being a mum' means?

It is of course wrong to force a termination on someone. But it is also wrong for you to say so glibly 'my sister would have to give up her job'. Why on earth should she have to do that?

Does your niece have capacity?

My niece is in a consensual relationship and he also has mild learning difficulties I would say but they are both able to live a normal life as such. She is not physically disabled she is just extremely vulnerable I.e with money or allowing people to take advantage. There would be concerns as such as too wether she would attend to the baby when needed especially through the night as can tend to have quite a lot of behavioural issues where she can have moods where she will ignore her mum for hours on end so possibility she could be like this with a baby.

My niece wouldn’t be safe with a baby so who else is gonna b there with her so that’s y she would have to give her job up

While no woman should be forced to have a child or to terminate I don't think this is a decision that your niece can make without support.
Are social services involved?

If your niece is incapable of caring for her child without full support from her mum then they need to find out what other support is available as your niece choosing to keep the baby is forcing her mum to become a full time "mum" again which is not right either.
It's a very difficult situation and I don't think the right answers will come from MN.

You can't expect your sister to give her job up. That's a non-starter and I think you're being really unsupportive to think that should be on the table.

If she's in a relationship and it's consensual, why can't they move out, get a little flat, get support from your sister and carers in terms of finances, and look after their baby themselves?

This is an INCREDIBLY complex situation, your niece will need to be supported by an independent advocate and likely a best interest meeting w/ social services will be done. As you say, your sister shouldn't be forced to become a full time carer for her grandchild too.
This is all very sad really.

I think it should be illegal to force someone to terminate a pregnancy, regardless of your own personal thoughts on abortion.

What's the father like?

If she is deemed to have mental capacity then her wishes will prevail.

There needs to be a discussion with GP and midwife and Social Services.

Not really on here for negativity. I totally understand where my sister is coming from. I certainly wouldn’t want to be starting again at 50 but it’s just incredibly sad that they aren’t even looking into what support is available

I would say my niece has capacity to an extent but has difficulty retaining information or weighing up risks things like that. Extremely vulnerable. Wouldn’t be able to manage finances. Able to cook and clean but probably wouldn’t if lived alone. She’s never had a social worker or any help as my sister has always just got on with it and managed her herself

Hope you don't mind me asking but what type of special needs does your niece have ? I only ask because my daughter is 4 years old , she is autistic

Sad situation all round. However if your niece isn’t capable of caring for a baby, it may be in her best interests for her to terminate the pregnancy, although that should be her decision. It’s unfair to expect your sister to take on the responsibility of caring for a new baby and giving up her job. How involved will social services be in the child’s upbringing and will it more than likely end up in Care?

This is a very difficult situation. I know my friends sister (and her husband) have mild intellectual disabilities, and she has an long term contraceptive device because they need to be highly supported to live independently, and honestly would not have the capacity to look after a child. (Very vunerable around giving money away, needs reminding to undertake basic hygiene routines, would live on crisps if not provided with daily meals etc,). I feel very sorry for your brother/sister in this regard as they will ultimately be a carer for this child too. Does the father have support?**

Very difficult.
As sad as it may be for your niece, I'll measure everything up against the child's expected welfare - will the child be happy and safe? How adequate or consistent may any outside support be? Even if your sister gives up her job will she be able to help for the next 16/18years?

It's a very tough situation, I work with children in care and unfortunately many have come from parents that were unable to care for their children due to having a certain level of ALN resulting resulting neglect and or abuse (usually just because parents did not have the mental capacity to care for a baby). If the government provided adequate support for the parents as in 24 hr support assistant then it could work, however the system in my opinion doesn't support the vulnerable anywhere near enough. If she does decide to keep the baby much of the care will fall on her current carer. I'm sure after talking things through together you will decide what's best

I think that you could offer to help your sister explore other options. Could your niece and her boyfriend move together into supported accommodation, for instance? There are places for adults with learning disabilities which give some degree of independence but still support them as needed. The pregnancy may actually open up some of these options.

While your sister has been brilliant, she needs to recognise that as she gets older, her daughter is going to need additional support at some point in the future. I really think you should encourage her to talk to social services now.