Please, please help me to help my 10 year old

[BecauseICan22]

I'm at a complete loss.

My daughter is 10, 11 in February. She's always fit the description of a 'typical middle child' and out of the 3 of my children, she's always been the most exuberant, energetic, funny and noticeable. I don't say this as a negative comparison, more to give an understanding of how different her temperament has always been.

Over the last year or so, she's increasingly started to struggle with her social and personal interactions. I think Covid took the spotlight form any difficulties that may have come through sooner in her behaviour and personality.

To give you an understanding:

She cannot cope with her emotional state. The moment she is dealing with any kind of conflict, low or high level, she goes into what I can only describe as meltdown mode.

She cannot understand the difference between being honest and being honest so that it hurts someones feelings.

If there is a difference of opinion, for example if she's playing with her sisters or close friends (she doesn't have a lot of close friends but more friendships that she dips in and out of) then she immediately gets very angry, loud, takes it as a rejection and becomes very controlling.

She needs to always be wearing loose clothing and labels are complete no. So much so that I'm having to buy her age 15 clothes, she's 10.

She doesn't respond to her name the first time, I used to think this was her being engrossed in whatever activity she was doing but now see that isn't the case. She also if she's stood in front of you talking to you, will not hold eye contact. She will look everywhere else and I'll have to say to her look at me. I used to think this was defiance but I can now see that isn't always the case.

She doesn't eat a variety of foods. She has a lot of food intolerances and a severe nut allergy. She is now being more vocal and telling me she doesn't eat a variety of foods because of texture and that she doesn't like change.

She ticks every single item listed on the NHS website for ASD and then some.

I have last week started the ball rolling for a private assessment for her. She has been saying to me for a few months that she needs help and shamefully I haven't been proactive about it and I've also been telling her that she needs to try and help herself too because I'm trying with her.

This morning her and I have had an awful shouting match before school. I've started making lists for her because she's getting really overwhelmed and is struggling to manage her time, she procrastinates. This morning from 7am, very calmly and gently I kept referring her back to her list and telling her to get ready. She does 1 part and then flops down. I told her she will only get really stressed when she realises it's time to go and then she'll rush and she'll upset herself. Fast forward, 7.50am she's screaming at her 8 year old sister that she is going to be late because my 8 year old isn't ready. For context 8 year old was all ready and was just finishing off her hair. I told my 10 year old to focus on herself and not worry about her sister. She completely ignored me and screamed at her sister again. At this stage I lost it and screamed at her 😔
This went on backwards and forwards between for us for a good minute or so and ended with me sending her upstairs.

I know I should not have shouted at her, the exact behaviour I'm trying to correct, I exhibited. I'm utterly drained and exhausted just typing this out. I don't know what or if anything will come from her ASD Assessment and I'm struggling to separate behaviour that needs correcting from behaviour that is her brain and the way it's wired.

School have never picked anything up with her and her feedback has always been glowing and positive.

Those parents that have been through similar or are going through similar now, please, please help me with some strategies, insight, resources, just anything that can help me to navigate this because right now I have a very unhappy 10 year old, a stressed 14 year old that wants to help but doesn't know how and a worried 8 year old.

I feel like a total failure and like I should have picked up on this years ago.

Hopeful bump .....

You're doing the right thing by getting her assessed OP and from what you've said and observed in your DD she is exhibiting many signs that match an ASD diagnosis.

As for you and how you deal with her behaviour, my friend who has two DC with ASD did a positive parenting course that she was referred to by her GP. She said it really helped to give her strategies for dealing with challenging behaviours and ways in which she could respond that were effective. She too was unbelievably stressed and frustrated and finding herself shouting beforehand. Using the strategies at home afterwards she found it possible to dial down the stress level and communicate effectively with her DC.

As for your 14 and 8 year olds, please make sure they know that their DSis' behaviour is not something they have to manage or help with. Encourage them to be independent and just get themselves ready and not worry about their DSis and that you will handle it. DC need to feel that the adult is in charge (even when the adult feels that they're not!).

I can understand your feelings of urgency and panic. You have now had a chance to focus on her and realise that she is struggling. But take heart - she hasn’t changed - it’s only that you have now become more aware, so you are a step ahead of what you were before, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

You’ve taken a practical step and organised a private assessment. Don’t over-focus on ASD for now - just let the expert do a proper assessment and take it from there.

In the meantime, let your unhappy DD know you love her and you’re on her side. Lots and lots of cuddles and some one-on-one time when you can. Really really try to get into her head - watch programmes and read books with her that she has chosen, go for a walk with her alone and let her choose a small treat. Pick your battles - don’t fight with her over small stuff or make her obey a rule that doesn’t matter. Let her siblings know quietly that you’re concerned about her and you’re going to focus on her a bit for a while - so they don’t feel left out (though of course don’t let her treat them badly).

Do all of this while waiting for the assessment and more expert advice. Out of all this worry and challenge may come a time of love and bonding that you will both always remember.

I cannot tell you how much your response means to me, thank you.

I feel so very stuck and so much guilt for her. She has told me that sometimes the inside of her head feels like mash and that no one understands her. I am trying so very, very hard to understand her but I most definitely need to try harder.

The Positive Parenting course sounds like a great idea, thank you for that. I will have a look and see what I can find.

I just feel so very alone and overwhelmed with all of this and I'm usually fabulously in control of what I'm doing and have a fantastic relationship with my children. Then I think I can't be that good a parent because I didn't see this in her. I keep looking at her and feeling an ache. I am absolutely going to try so much harder and better. I think me being stressed and losing that control has most definitely not helped. I may look for some local support groups for myself.

I'm now sat crying while I read your advice and kind words. Thank you, thank you. What you say at the beginning, I think that is what is making my heart hurt, I feel like I am now only just seeing her and she must have been struggling for such a long time prior. I know she hasn't changed, she really has the most beautiful soul but I can see she also has pain.

Shouting, no screaming at her this morning - I feel like utter crap. I will talk to her when she's home and I will most definitely use this time to bond as much as I can. I can see that she's become quite disengaged and insular, again I put it down to her focusing on her interests (she is obsessed with all things art related) and I think she's masked a lot. I seems this last year, she just isn't able to mask as well anymore and I feel puberty has played a part too.

I need to get a grip with my own emotions, I just keep crying. It is very silly because she isn't ill - she's just different and I love her always. I just wish I could help her. I am going to take all you have said on board. She often asks me to cook with her and I simply don't have the time - I am going to make time.

And yes you're right, the ASD isn't the focus until we know what we are dealing with. Right now it is about helping her and my other 2 daughters to feel like we are here for one another and that we will be ok.

Thank you so very much.

Don’t get too upset OP.
You didn’t cause this.
You do your best with whatever children you have.
You sound like a lovely mum. Take the right steps, stress a bit now and then when you have to (don’t think even the luckiest parents get away without our fair share of that 🙄) but then just enjoy them - and don’t forget to look after yourself too x

She definitely sounds autistic.
I'm autustic and my 8yo DS is waiting to be assessed and we have exactly the same issues in the morning. It's so hard isn't it.
My only advice is to make the morning as simple as possible for her. Get everything ready the night before and make sure she has plenty of time to get ready.
My DS is worse if he's tired too, so a decent bedtime is important.

I'm doing the parenting course in September. Where I live it's on at the children's centre that used to be called Sure Start. It's created specially for parents of children with additional needs, such as autism and ADHD and apparently will teach us strategies to help them. Definitely see if you have one running near you.

Please stop feeling so bad, you're human. Humans lose their sh*t occasionally when under stress or provoked, we all do it. Any parent that says they've never shouted at their child is lying.

It isn't your fault you didn't pick up on ASD indicators before either. Girls are excellent at masking and conforming to social expectations, which is why experts didn't pick up on how it affects them for years.

You're a wonderful parent because once you realised, you took steps and because when you lost it you came here asking for advice.

Its also completely normal to be emotional at realising that she might be ND. It doesn't mean you think there's anything wrong with her, as you've said. It simply means that you've realised things are harder for her and you care.

Be kind to yourself as much as you are kind to your children. The next steps are going to be a learning experience for you and an adjustment period for all of you. You won't always get it perfectly right and that's OK, it doesn't mean you've failed as a parent.

My understanding it's quite usual for ND girls to not have their neurodiversity picked up before the age of 10, so please, please stop beating yourself up.

You're doing brilliantly and you're all going to thrive :)

I have to ask, why didn't you help her when she said she needed help? Did you think she was putting it on?

@MolliciousIntent you don't have to ask though, do you? What will your question achieve aside from kicking the op when she's down.
Your username seems quite apt!

Because if there's a history of manipulative behaviour/lying/misrepresentation etc, that completely changes my response!

@MolliciousIntent OK, I'm sorry, I think I overreacted to your post and I regret my reply. I was just about to apologise anyway because I was feeling guilty.

The op hasn't said there's a history so I'm guessing not.