End of my tether with 7yr old son

[Jinglebell2020]

Everything causes an argument.
Asking him to brush his teeth, to go to the toilet before going out, to wash hands before dinner, to put own shoes on, to do simple things. To come in from playing for dinner, to go to bed, to tidy up his toys, to get ready for his football club…….. etc etc
He says no, he flails his arms, he writhes around the floor, he loses the ability to talk and stand and walk, he hits and kicks and bites and scream and shouts.
I can only imagine what the neighbours must think.
His sisters who are a bit older never did this.
I dread spending time with him, it always ends in his behaviour escalating to extremes.
He will eventually calm down but it can be hours, he sometimes apologies sometimes he doesn’t.
It’s really distressing and affecting my mental health.
I don’t know what to do.
GP referred him for ADHD assessment which ended up with that Dept writing to say he doesn’t meet the criteria. School says there is no issue with behaviour.

I feel lost and useless and helpless.

im looking for words of wisdom and advice please.

Have you looked up PDA op?

So sorry you are going through this @

Hmm, I think I'd be going back to the GP and asking for an ASD assessment instead. They sound like meltdowns, especially the losing the ability to talk.
The fact he doesn't do it in school doesn't mean it's not ASD because some kids mask at school and it only happens at home.

it must be really tough for you. I know you’ve probably tried this but stickers really work in my household. One of my children loves Ryan’s world so every 20 stickers she gets she gets to buy the little £4 figurines. Bad behaviour I take a sticker away. Sounds simple but really works. What is he really into? You could use that as an incentive.

Sorry you’re going through this. My son (same age) is hugely argumentative, tries to negotiate on everything, is incredibly negative and “woe is me”, wants /needs / expects constant attention and it’s driving me crazy. I feel genuinely anxious around him…I get a tension headache. Conversely, his sister (only a year older) is the total, total opposite.

No decent advice, but you’re not alone.

I think you need to tell him to brush his teeth/get dressed etc., not ask him. By saying "Would you please brush your teeth" it's a request, one which he can and does refuse to do.

Tell him that you will give him 3 warnings -

1. you'll tell him to brush his teeth
2. You'll tell him again
3. He will be punished by not being allowed to play his favourite game/watch his favourite programme/ whatever it is that he particularly likes to do.

When he throws himself around, ignore him completely and leave the room. Do not talk to him at all until he's stopped his tantrum. Then explain that he's wasted time so he'll lose that amount of time to do his favourite thing.

• Is he tired? Doing too much?
• Praise chart or marbles in a jar & praise him up for everything he does that is good.
• Give plenty of warning about plans & countdown when you want things doing e.g. in ten mins you will need to wash hands & then another reminder 5 mins before.
• Tell him you love him even when he's being a pain

I did read on here once that at 7 boys get a hormone surge - might be that?

Seven is a hard age for boys - Steve Biddulph goes in to it a lot in his Raising Boys book. In most cases it's down to another developmental leap, just like they have as babies and toddlers but we don't expect it because they're.....big now. But they're not. I'd keep things simple for a while, don't forget it's their first full year at school in three years and they're all knackered on top of everything else.

Thank you so much for the replies
It has been incredibly hard this past year, feeling like it will never stop.

I have googled PDA and will sit down and chat to hubby about this, thank you, I had never heard of this.

I am certainly in the frame of mind where I feel the GP will need to help me push for an assessment as I feel we have been fobbed off.

I really do feel he masks when at school and with others, and saves his meltdown for home and boy are they huge.

I have a 10 yr old girl and 2 teen girls and they have never behaved or acted like this, it’s really took the wind out my sails.

I have constant headaches from the stress and arguing. I try and tell him instructions rather than let him choose things, I will also say things like supper time is in 10 mins, finish up ur video and then give a 5 min warning and then offer supper. I do try timed warnings especially when trying to get ready for school in the mornings, that’s a really hard time, that and bedtime. But I get the feeling he sees it as a challenge. It’s so stressful.
Reward charts and stickers, I’ve tried it too. It starts off well and then when it comes to punishment like removing a sticker for example due to behaviour he has a meltdown over that and will shout things like he doesn’t care about stickers and has even went as far as ripping the chart off the wall. I haven’t used a reward chart or stickers for a few months now, maybe I should reintroduce it and see if it makes a difference now.
I hadnt thought about hormone surges or development leaps, I’m going to do some research on this, it sounds like it might be helpful to understand cues and triggers.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it x

This might not be appropriate as my son is a lot yonger but if he's asked too much of he goes into demand avoidance and just does nothing. Could you identify things that really have to be done and focus on getting in good habits over just those things and tactically ignore the rest? Forget what you think he should be able to do/what his sisters were doing and just pick a few things that are most important to you. (i.e maybe in the morning it's getting dress, if he doesn't have breakfast/brush his teeth/etc then for now just let it slide)

Personally I would reward the desired behaviour (with sticker chart or whatever) but I wouldn't punish bad behaviour by (e.g.) removing a sticker.