Is this OK, I’m not traumatising DD for life?

[NC1843]

DD, 23 months, is going through a “mummy cuddles NOT daddy” phase. DH adores her, and loves to do bath time but, dear Lord, she’s currently screaming blue murder in the bathroom and I can hear her shouting “mummy do bath, mummy cuddles!” repeatedly.

I’ve done the whole “now DD, both mummy & daddy love to spend time with you, tonight it’s daddy’s turn” etc etc but just thought I’d ask if it’s OK to leave her, even though she’s crying & obviously distressed, as DH is there with her, and comforting her (I can hear him timelessly singing away to her, bless ‘im)? The whole “always respond to your child’s distress” doesn’t count if there’s already an actively engaged dad around doing just that?

Bustling my way in would calm her down immediately but I don’t have a monopoly on being her parent, he’s has always been chief bath-giver and he’d be quite upset at the implication that he couldn’t manage.

Leave him to it. He’s comforting her and she has to learn to be comforted by him too. If she was on her own then yeh of course go to her but she’s not so she’ll be fine.

Nah it's fine 🙂

Can you go out for a walk at bath time and tell her you have a job to do daddy will look after her until you get back. She'll probably be fine if she knows you coming up isn't an option.

If you give in to this stuff you end up becoming the default parent. I have so many friends who can never go out in the evening because "child wants mummy to do every bedtime".

We always alternated bedtimes. Some things, parents get to choose - not children.

You can respond to your child's distress, but toddlers are often distressed because they don't get what they want (rather than what they need). She is safe and well cared for with a loving attached figure - it's fine! Responding doesn't been doing whatever your 2 year old tells you to so they don't cry.

My son did this at the same age except it was suddenly daddy do everything not mummy. I’d just given birth to his sister a few weeks before and so this hit me HARD!
anyway, just to reassure you that it was just a phase and now I’m very pleased for them both to want just daddy sometimes! Gives me a break! 😉

You can respond to your child's distress, but toddlers are often distressed because they don't get what they want (rather than what they need).

This This and This again!

I have a mum friend who does everything for her child, threats their demands as instructions and I can already see where its leading. I dread to think what would happen and how distressed her child would be if she needed to be away from them for some reason.

You're 100% right to reiterate she has another parent who is equally responsible for her care. She might prefer you to bath her but that's all it is, a preference. She will come to no harm realising her dad is sometimes the one taking care of her.

My DD is about to turn 2 and is very similar. We get a lot of “No Daddy! Mummy do it!” To most things (reading a book, putting on shoes, nappy change)

DH has always been pretty hands on so it’s not because he’s not been involved. I think it’s just a phase, admittedly an unpleasant one for both of us.

We’ve held firm on things like alternating bedtime mostly because I’ll go mental if I have to do it all and we’re due DC2 very soon so she needs to get used to DH doing stuff for her as I’ll be unavailable sometimes.

Weirdly if I’m out of the house or if DH takes her out without me she accepts DH much better.
I’m expecting the arrival of DC2 to mean things get worse before they get better but I expect there will come a time when DH will be the favourite and I’ll be out in the cold!

Sometimes I just shut the door 😂

You’re traumatising her if you leave her on a street corner. In the bath with her dad is absolutely fine.

Have a glass of wine and stick the telly on!

Ds1 went through a phase of looking DH straight in the eye and saying 'Go away Daddy, I don't love you, I only love Mummy.'

I'm pleased to say that it didn't last forever, shortly after he went through a phase of being glued to DH the whole time.

We took it in good humour, went with what he wanted when it worked for us (and not when it didn't).

It all worked out in the end. He's now 15 and has a very good relationship with both of us.

Ask him honestly has he gotten shampoo or soap in her eyes? Maybe some small thing has changed her wanting df to bath her!!

We had this. Then DH worked away for a week, and now she's stuck to him.

It's just as likely, if not more so that he's done nothing at all and the child is just being a typical 2 year old. Even if he did accidentally get soap in her eye one bath time, we've all done it, the answer isn't for him to stop doing bath time.

Or he did the nappy too tight, or brushed her hair too hard. Or she is a stubborn 2 year old who needs to learn she can’t just scream at the things she doesn’t like or want. But sure look for ways to blame the dad.

Lots of good advice above.

i just wanted to say that my children are olde now, 10 and 13. They were both like this as babies and toddlers and I used to take over - to relieve DH’s stress about it as much as to relieve my own or the DCs. I really regret this as it made him feel useless and made me feel over-used. The babies would have been fine either way!

It has taken a lot of years to repair our relationship. Not saying this was the only problem, and your DH sounds very keen to work through the ‘phase’.