Finding family life very hard. Help.

[Vtiredmum]

Hi all. My husband and I are really struggling with life in general. We have two beautiful girls one 5 and one 1 but we just can’t seem to ever get on top of things or find time for ourselves. The chaos is constant, as is illness - we’ve just gone from covid, into sickness bugs & back into colds. We really are an equal partnership & no one person is doing more than the other.

in between working (my partner is full time, I’m part time), childcare, nursery / school coordination we have no time to be partners at all, or to take any self care - we never go out, take exercise, we struggle to even find time to shower. Weekends are spent trying to get on top of house work and life admin whilst the other might take the girls to softplay or swimming. Our relationship is really suffering and at this stage it best feels like room mates. Our one year old still wakes very regularly - sometimes every 30 mins & although my partner is brilliant that he deals with most of the night wakes it’s now effecting his ability to be able to work productively. I’ve fallen so behind with work because of having to have the girls home when unwell and am constantly playing catch up and falling more behind. We can’t afford more childcare to catch up with things and don’t have family support around us.

im sure this is making no sense but we are exhausted, We feel constantly stressed & in that fight / flight mode. Im currently taking sertraline after trying to express my situation to my doctor. I just don’t know how long we can continue at this pace / stress level and manage to stay together but I don’t know what the answer is.

i feel like I’m missing a piece of the jigsaw as to how other families seem to make life look much easier. Does anyone have any tips of how they maintain a work / life / self balance.

thank you so much in advance.

Things we did (and wish we did sooner) have a cleaner come round, it costs £60 per month and that's a 2 hour clean every two weeks, this takes care of bathroom, kitchen and downstairs.

Make sure meal planning is done each week, and regular online shopping done.

You don't say whether commuting is an issue for you, but this is a massive time sap, so working from home a couple of days really helps.

Decluttering and simplifying, really helps keep a calm environment.

But, with all that being said, if you've had back to back illness, you might just need a few days annual leave to sleep, eat good food and take care of yourself! Taking a couple of days off to recharge while the kids are in childcare might be enough to start you on an even keel again.

We used to take a day a term together while eldest was at school and youngest at nursery to spend time together as a couple. We have a cleaner so more time together at the weekend, and I meal plan and batch cook. 1 does bedtime while the other clears dinner, so less to do after kids in bed. And lower your standards!

It does get easier, with time.

Do you have any unrealistic standards you could let slip?

Eg cleanliness of house, how much tv the girls watch, how much you play with them, what activities they go to, standard of home cooked meals etc.

Try to save up for a babysitter for an evening/ask a favour of a friend. Ask for help in general.

Basically yes it is extremely hard and relentless. But just make sure you're not making things harder for yourself than necessary.

Oh and maybe pay for some help with your child's sleep. Every 30 minutes at 1 is unreasonable and obviously impacts on your functioning in the day and general well-being.

I completely feel you. Mine are 5 and 3 and I feel like we’re finally starting to get past this stage now the youngest has started sleeping through. I don’t think you’re missing anything, it’s just survival whilst your so sleep deprived and they’re so dependent. It sounds like you have a strong partnership and will come through ok. Embrace the chaos, keep standards and expectations realistic, and remember this too shall pass

Sort the 1 year olds sleep out. You must be exhausted. Sleep deprivation makes everything feel so much worse.

To get back on top of the house stuff could a relative come and stay for the weekend and look after the children for two days so that you and husband could get stuff done and maybe even go out one evening?

You need to sleep train your 1yr old. Everything is so much harder on no sleep.

Sleep training the 1 yr old is the first priority

Then sit down and plan a routine for the week and include meal planning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. Then see what you can streamline (online grocery shop, multitask (clean kitchen while batch cooking, clean bathroom while dc are in bath)
and just plain ignore (dont need to wash towels after every bath, once a fortnight will do). Then divide up the routine and include a 15 min each day for each of you on your own and a 30 min each day for the two of you together (maybe while dc watch a show) Then stick rigidly to the routine for 2 weeks then adjust based on how it went

De clutter, the less there is, the less will get messy. Put the stuff you dont think you need in the attic/garage/cupboard and then see if you missed it in 2 weeks.

I was going to say do you have family / close friends that could come over and look after the children for an hour or so a week and you and your partner could do an exercise class or just do something together? <3

I think that's just new life after kids...

Things we do.

• wash goes on first thing in the morning during summer and out on the line before breakfast, you can use a timer so the machine comes on at 5. In the winter, the wash gets done while dinner is cooking then into the tumble dryer.

• kids clothes get hung up in full outfits, so every hanger has underwear, socks, trousers, tshirt, jumper etc. that was in the morning just grab a hanger and your sorted.

• washing up gets done immediately

• one of us does bedtime, the other runs the hoover around and a surface tidy so the house is generally OK even if not deep cleaned.

• food shop is either online or we do it straight after work on Friday so that's done before the weekend kicks in.

• 3 plastic tubs on the kitchen table, 1 with fruit snacks, 1 with crisps/popcorn, 1 with cherry tomatoes/mini cucumbers/grapes. Every morning when packing lunch boxes I just grab one thing from each box, add a yoghurt or cheesestring from the fridge and spread a ricecake with cream cheese or put grated cheese in a wrap. Lunch box sorted.

• Sunday night I pack the school bags and check the calendar for theme days and such like. Then get all that packed and ready hung on the hook.

• everything that can be automated online is - insurance, bills, dentist appointments, opticians. They are all just recurring bookings or direct debits.

• I have a cupboard where I stash stuff I see at sale prices throughout the year. That means if we get birthday invites I just go to the cupboard, pick a card from the stack, some wrapping paper and choose a gift from the stash. No need for last minute shopping.

• I have an Amazon wish list, throughout the year if I see something I think Aunty doodah would like for Xmas I add it to the wishlist with a note saying who it's for (can add external URLs) that means one day in November I sit down for 30 minutes clicking links and making payment and the whole of Xmas is delivered over the course of the next 7 days. No stressing or running around involved.

Organisation is the key. Sync your phone calendar so it shows your work, home and school/nursery stuff all in one place, automate and simplify. Determine what your minimum standard is for housekeeping and make a plan that allows you ti stay at or above that level.

The early years are so hard. In my experience the people who coast through it have children who sleep and/or lots of outside help from grandparents or paid help.

Things that make it easier

• routine for everything


• Saturday night livingroom date (no phones)


• Weekly family meeting, what’s coming up in the diary


• Shared notes of jobs which need doing


• keep a shared annual calendar which you can tick off again each year eg January- MOT, Jenny birthday, DD1 optician, plan summer holidays, absolutely everything


• Buy kids clothes all from one supermarket when they need the next size/season


• Three week rotating meal plan, you don’t have to stick to it but is means you don’t have to think


• Have energy pasta sauce, to serve with grated cheese pinenuts and mixed frozen veg when you need dinner in a hurry.


• Batch cook bolgnaise in slow cooker


• online food shopping


• cleaner if you can

*emergency pasta sauce

We have a similar situation- 1 y old and 4 y old and we both work full time. Things that have helped us cope 1. Sleep training the kids- they have to sleep otherwise it goes to hell 2. Military routine everyday with regards to breakfast, nursery drop off, cleaning rota, nursery pick up, food and bed. All tasks are split completely down the middle. Weekends are equally as regimented- getting to the shop by 9 on a Saturday to get the weekly shop done and we can still get out somewhere for the day. We are lucky in that we can both occasionally work from home so quick blasts of cleaning and food prep can occur during lunch breaks. Lowering standards when it gets to hard with regards to the house cleanliness, if the kids watch tv for a few hours after nursery and getting take out. We go out for lunch occasionally together if work break sync, sometimes get to pop out for an early dinner or drink before collecting the kids and we get a babysitter in for the occasional evening out. We mostly collapse on the sofa at 8 with a glass of wine and watch Netflix.

I would watch a YouTube series of your home hacks. These are great!