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Parenting

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Original poster

Can a 4 year old decide who they want to be friends with?

16 replies

TartWithAHeart · 16/01/2008 13:12

DS is aged 4.3. He has two regular friends of similar age who he plays with at various times. One is a boy and the other is a girl.

He is fine with girl playmate. But not so fine with the boy, who lives just round the corner and who he has known for just over a year. He doesn't want to play with him anymore or have him come here.

I have seen a thread like this before in the past and I don't want people to jump all over this thread like they did on that one, but I'll just say that there are problems to do with the boy's behaviour and communication which make play between DS and him difficult and this is not helped by the mother, who is overprotective and overpolices their play - often to the detriment of my son.

The mother wants them to be "like brothers", but DS is not having any of it and flatly refuses to go there now. He says the mother is "annoying". SHe certainly is a bit full on, the other day she practically cornered DS and asked him right up in his face "Do you like XXX(her DS's name)" This made my DS very uncomfortable.

DS starts school this September and I am sure will make lots of new friends there.

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brimfull · 16/01/2008 13:15

ime you can't make them want to play with someone.

I have similar problem

My really good friend has ds same age as mine (5) and they do not play well at all.They constantly bicker and argue,very competitive with each other.Pita

LadyMuck · 16/01/2008 13:17

I'm not sure exactly what you're asking for comment on, but yes, a 4 yo can decide who they want to be friends with, and at school this will happen without any parental intervention. Depending on your relationship with the mother I would hang on until school and let the friendship drop then if your ds is still not interested. But i do think that it is useful for children to have some out of school friends too, as it gives them another outlet if things aren't going well at school.

A sibling relationship is very different because there is no choice - you have to find a way of relating with each other even though that isn't necessarily as "friends".

Eliza2 · 16/01/2008 13:18

It sounds like the problem might be time-limited, in that when they both start school they will make new friends. In the meantime, you can just be busy perhaps? Perhaps find some activities you need to go to at the times they would normally have met up. Why not suggest meeting on neutral territory like the park or soft-play centre if you really feel you have to see them.

IMO, if your son doesn't want to see someone he shouldn't have to. But I realise you don't want to appear unkind.

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CarGirl · 16/01/2008 13:18

If he doesn't want to play with him you can gently encourage but no way force the issue. Perhaps he would be happy to play with him at your house without his mum around? In which case you could do that and perhaps risk being blunt with the other Mum and when invited state I'm sorry ds doesn't want to go to your house but he's happy for x to come here?

foxythesnowman · 16/01/2008 13:25

I think you should have him over one more time, without the other child's mother, so you can see the dynamics and interaction between them for yourself.

Perhaps give them an activity such as lego or play-doh which you can monitor without policing.

At this age children can be quite fickle and will change their minds about people like the wind.

Also, children develop at different times, he may just need to catch up.

My DS2 has a friend who I have always found hard work and stressful to have around. He was quite destructive and unkind. Only now (aged 5) have a seen him become a lovely, funny, kind wee boy.

Give him a chance and encourage your son, but you can't force him.

HTH

Original poster

TartWithAHeart · 16/01/2008 13:25

Thanks for your posts. Well I was trying to make myself very busy, and am planning taking DS to new play places, swimming, etc. But stupidly told the mum that I have enrolled DS for football - now she wants to come! The idea was that DS does things away from them and makes new friends - I could absolutely kick myself for mentioning it to her. Grrrrrr!

She phones every week and I find it hard dodging her quetions about what we are doing. I am toying with the idea of just saying to her DS doesn't want to play with XXX anymore.

Absolutely no way can her DS come here anymore - as he wrecks the house btw. And I mean he really wrecks the house - not just scatters a few cushions around. When my DS goes to hers she keeps bribing him with sweets and presents to get him to stay longer - it's just too much.

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foxythesnowman · 16/01/2008 14:06

I think we all worry about our children fitting in and making friends (who we like too), which makes me feel a bit sad for the other mum. She sounds a bit desperate and anxious for her DS, and in these situations it might be helpful to try to see it from the other parents point of view? (I'm struggling to say 'how would you feel if you were here?' without sounding harsh - because I don't mean to be ).

You know him coming to football might not be a bad thing. They won't be spending time 1:1 and will have another focus. Perhaps that could be 'their' thing and then you don't have to worry.

Just a thought. Good luck with this one.

wannaBe · 16/01/2008 14:15

Sounds like the mum is desperate for her ds to fit in/be accepted. Does this boy have other friends he plays with do you know? What about the mum - does she have lots of other friends? or could it be possible she found it hard to make friends both as a child and adult and is desperate for her ds not to turn out the same?

I don't think you can force the boys to be friends, but I think that to say to the mum that ds doesn't want to play with her ds would be quite hurtful to her - no mother wants to have her child rejected by someone else.

I would just arrange play at park/soft play/maybe if they go to football they'll be together but not playing and then when they start school the friendship will fizzle on its own.

Original poster

TartWithAHeart · 16/01/2008 15:15

I agree, which is why I posted. Was not sure whether to "make" DS play with her DS at least every once in a while but on neutral territory. When we have done this in the past - my DS finds other children in the park to play with!

I don't want her to feel rejected but at the same time - I have to listen DS as it is him I have the main responsibility to isn't it? I don't want to put him in a situation he doesn't want or like.

I woul not really think I would tell her ouright that DS doesn't want to play anymore, but I would just phase out the playdates gradually.

The reason I was not happy about the football thing, was because I just want DS to do things without XXX and his mum following us around. This was the first thing this year I have enrolled him on, hoping he would make new little friends, ands already she has hijacked it. I want DS to be at football without the implication that they are necessarily at football "together". Sometimes I feel as though the mum is holding DS responsible for being her DS's lifelong friend and this is too much responsibilityh for a 4yo.

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Original poster

TartWithAHeart · 16/01/2008 15:17

God I sound like a real bitch but really - I'm not. She's just so intense

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Eliza2 · 16/01/2008 15:37

You don't sound like a bitch at all.

foxythesnowman · 16/01/2008 18:22

I think given the circumstances this friendship may well fall by the side anyway. Get on with what you want to do and see how it pans out. Sometimes we have to instigate the friendships and work on them for our children, so when you've done a few activities and met some new people this will probably happen quite naturally.

I don't think you are a bitch, its just a really tricky situation. I've had to write my posts really carefully as I don't want it to sound like I think you are!

Unless you are really good friends with the mum, this one will drift away when DS starts school.

Unless of course they go to the same one. Will he?

NappiesGalore · 16/01/2008 18:39

course he can decide if he doesnt want to play with someone. you must allow him that choice.

she sounds unhinged.

edam · 16/01/2008 18:48

she certainly sounds very needy. And your ds is not and should not be made to be responsible for her and her ds. Avoid, avoid, avoid as much as you can.

Original poster

TartWithAHeart · 16/01/2008 20:19

Thanks edam that's what I am trying to do - avoid her. I just wish I had not mentioned the football.
I did not put the same school down as her for lots of reason, of which this situation is one. She had made all these plans about us picking up each other's children and them spending all the holidays together - alarm bells started ringing.
It's not that I don't want to be her friend but that she's very full on - if I buy DS something she wants to know where I got it, how much it cost and wants to go and buy the exact same thing for her DS. The same thing is happening with football, she just wants to copy what I am doing with DS.

OP posts:

edam · 16/01/2008 20:21

she sounds a bit scary, tbh. And if you put up with her, you won't actually be helping - she needs to find a wider circle of friends instead of clinging to you as if she is drowning.

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