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Parenting

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Original poster

If you were undecided about having a 2nd child but stuck with 1...

21 replies

LillyLeaf · 02/07/2022 10:11

Did you regret it? DS is nearly 2.

Some days I would love another baby but at other times I see how easy our life is just the 3 of us. I have a small business that I'm building so another baby would put a hold on that. We have no family support. I'm nearly 40. We also had a hell of a time getting pregnant (ivf, miscarriages). I don't think I could go through the emotional toll and cost again.

Will I always regret not having another one? I feel so lucky and grateful to have DS, he's amazing.

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LillyLeaf · 02/07/2022 17:22

Little bump. Feeling especially emotional today as there has been quite a few 2nd pregnancy announcements recently.

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quickquack35 · 02/07/2022 17:40

No real advice to give - just solidarity- thought I'd say that I'm sort of the same boat as you. There are days when I wonder if we should just go for it and have another (I think this seems to peak at certain times of the month) but a majority of the time I just think 'No, things are great as they are, leave them be.'

I think my thoughts centre around whatever my hormones are doing and I seem to have this shadow of mum guilt towering over me at times in relation to the societal norm of having a 'family of four' and providing a sibling. I try to brush it off.
We have one beautiful 18MO, life is generally easy, we give her all our time and attention and financially we can treat all ourselves to the things we want in life. I had a bad birth so that is part of it as well.

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LillyLeaf · 02/07/2022 19:40

I think the societal norm absolutely makes me feel crap and that 2 children is the norm. I do feel like a lot of people going along with this without questioning if it's the right thing to do for their family. I've known people who simply should have stuck with one and admitted it later, (relationship on the rocks, money problems etc) but have another one anyway.

Hormones really do not help. One day I can thinking so logically about it, then the next I'm in a downward spiral.

I know today will pass but I'm sick of feeling like this everytime there is an pg announcement.

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jenn88 · 02/07/2022 19:51

Semi in a similar situation! DD is now 2.5, lovely little girl but can be hard work!
We did loose a pregnancy just before Christmas at 12 weeks and have since gone back on the pill! (Which I have stopped as of yesterday because of my low low mood!!) but will be using other forms of protection!!!!
I want another baby and then this week we have had D+V on our house and I think thank goodness we only have one!!!

I think we will try again in a few years when DD is a bit older...... maybe?!

TolkiensFallow · 02/07/2022 19:53

Hhmmmm…now that DD1 is 5 I’m wishing we had 2…but also feeling we’ve missed the boat as they would be at such different stages.

sunflowerandivy · 02/07/2022 19:55

I didn't want a second but DH put forward a good argument for one. DD is here now and it's so hard. I love her but my relationship with my first DD has changed. I love my baby but life would definitely be less stressful and more enjoyable with just one

Rooma · 02/07/2022 19:55

I'm a bit further along on this- I've got a 6 year old, I'm early 40s. Was easy to get pregnant (though I was Mid 30s then) but it was twins and one died late-ish in pregnancy. Obviously there's some trauma and grief in my story. As soon as we found out it was twins we said we'd just have the one pregnancy- it was perfect. Then it wasn't and I spent 2 years in heavy grief begging my husband for another, quickly. He didn't and it was the right decision at the time, I wasn't well. Fast forward to now and my career is the best it's ever been, one wonderful kid. Life's getting easier all the time and of course going back to nappys and extortionate childcare costs and the risk of more trauma, grief etc just doesn't seem worth it anymore.

I get sad about not having another fairly often but I probably won't regret it in 20 years. I think actually the thing I'm most sad for is missing out on a healthy pregnancy.

OneCup · 02/07/2022 19:55

No I don't regret it. Don't worry about what society tells you to do. You should only have another child if you 100% want one.

INeedNewShoes · 02/07/2022 19:57

Just here to show solidarity really.

I wanted another, 70% because I wanted DD to have a sibling and 30% because I'd just love to do it all again.

DD is 5 now and my finances are on the edge as it is so, for me, the rise in the cost of living, plus a medical condition of mine playing up, are the final barriers to having more children.

I seem to be reaching acceptance in that I've started to sell the baby/toddler kit I've been keeping for No. 2.

It's hard though and I know I'm going to regret it to be honest.

Changechangychange · 02/07/2022 20:01

We have one not by choice - we had a similar terrible time having DS (5 pregnancies and one live birth over 8 years), and we did try for a second, but I didn’t get pregnant again despite surgery etc (uterine factors).

I’m sad about it - mostly for DS’s sake as I’d love him to have a sibling. From a parent’s point of view, having one is great - he gets my full attention, can do basically any hobby or after school activity without needing to compromise for a younger sib, he’s old enough now to come skiing with me and do other “grown up” activities (ie stuff I actually want to do, not sitting in soft play).

DH was never as keen as me to have a second - probably because he can’t stand his own sister, so doesn’t feel DS is missing out by not having a sibling.

If you think you want a second, I would try - I would feel worse if I hadn’t at least tried, IYSWIM. But if it doesn’t happen, actually it’s fine.

DisgruntledPelican · 02/07/2022 20:03

I’m in a similar position but ultimately think we will stick at one. Everything is so easy, and it would be more difficult with another. We’d be financially stretched. And we’ve missed out on so much already with holidays etc due to covid, I’d rather concentrate on what we have. Every day I wonder if I’m making the wrong decision, though.

PrincessConsuela12 · 02/07/2022 20:17

I'm in a similar situation as you, DC is 2 & we're starting to discuss the possibility of another. One part of me really wants to try & another part is worried about how the dynamics of our family will change. Sorry no advise but sending solidarity

Groovychick10 · 03/07/2022 22:24

We have one DS, he's 3 & an absolute delight. We did talk about having another child but ultimately decided on just one child as it's right for us. Very happy with just one.

Swimbikerunmummy · 03/07/2022 22:48

I’m a lot further down the line but had a very similar journey to you. I lost another one when my dc was about 2, and I realised I couldn’t spend any more of their childhood chasing a second pregnancy. It did take a fair bit of time to come to terms with but I am now content, and now I’m closer to 50 than 40 I don’t really give it any thought. We have quite a few friends with an only too which helps.

pastaandpesto · 03/07/2022 22:49

Having one child is a completely different parenting experience to having two or more, I think. My sister and my best friend both only have one - both older teens now - whereas I have three children, and their ability to focus all of their time and resources on a single child is profoundly different to the dynamics in a multi child household where everything is a compromise.

Both their children are delightful and very accomplished (helped in part by parental attention) and have a great relationship with their parents. Their lives are definitely more straightforward.

On the other hand, my kids do have a great bond with each other and have been fantastic companions to each other as children. But interestingly I'm feeling more aware of how our resources are spread more thinly the older they get.

So imo both only child and multi child families can be great. But they are completely different journeys.

MiniMaxi · 03/07/2022 23:14

Solidarity from me too, OP. Sticking with one, I think, partly due to his traumatic early arrival and partly due to my age & various circumstances. I wish, really, we could have had two. Hormones definitely don’t help. On the flipside, he’s wonderful and I love being able to give him my undivided attention.

BeHereNowx32 · 04/07/2022 08:34

@LillyLeaf I am in the same situation as you. DD was conceived through IVF, and it was a really hard process for us. We have tried with 2 frozen embryos since then. But it didn’t work. My DH does not want to go through ivf again, and I am unsure.
I would love another child if it could happen naturally. It changes everything when you need to through the stress of ivf.

so, I try to think about the positives of having one. And of course, there are loads. I am so so lucky to be a mum. But it doesn’t stop you from feeling sad about it all. It’s hard when it’s not fully your choice.

Here if you want to chat!

KittyWithStripes · 04/07/2022 08:44

Having just one is wonderful, as so many have said.
One of the things I keep in mind is how many of my adult friends have no relationship at all with their siblings as grown ups.
Also the number of friends’ kids who just fight fight fight all the bloody time. Dodged that bullet!

Butteryflakycrust83 · 04/07/2022 10:20

I read a great thing on here a few weeks ago that stuck with me which was 'When you have a second child, you are taking away resources from the first.' We cant afford a second, and honestly I am so scared of ending up being the tired shouty mum that I would rather stick with one, give her all the opportunities we can afford including with our time.
I have friends with multiples and I do feel the pang of jealousy and I think alot of my worry is my age and finances.

Take me back ten years and give me my own house, I would have more.

stackhead · 04/07/2022 10:38

I'm probably a year ahead of you. DD is 3 and we've put having a 2nd child on the shelf.

There's no real age pressures, I'm 33. We could probably afford another one, although it would be tight.

What swing it for us was that actually neither of us WANTED another child.

I wanted a child for a sibling. Because of the norm of 2 parents, 2 children. Because DD is likely to be the only child in her generation in the family. Because...because...because.

Actually did get pregnant earlier this year and miscarried at 8 weeks. It was the emotions around miscarriage that really helped make the decision. When I sat down and talked about it with DH the want I had when TTC our DD wasn't there.

We both thought it would be nice but the deep, yearning, WANT wasn't there. And without that WANT I didn't think it was fair on anyone to bring another child into the world.

Original poster

LillyLeaf · 10/07/2022 21:44

Thanks to everyone that shared their thoughts and experiences. I think I will feel sad about not having a second child but I absolutely see and value the benefits of having an only, I just need to focus on that and my awesome DS. Not sure when I'll feel OK selling/giving away the baby stuff though.

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