Always angry child doesn't listen

[schratching]

My daughter has selective hearing and it's really frustrating me.

I'll ask her something and unless she wants it she totally blanks me. It's not an auditory issue as she can hear a packet of crisps opening from the kitchen.

She also doesn't listen when I ask her to change in the morning or not make a huge mess. It feels like a huge disrespect and I feel like I'm always angry with her.

Any tips? My son is the opposite. He listens and he'll chat to me and have a proper conversation.

How old is she?

4

Yeah I think you need to lower your expectations a whole lot, this is very normal behaviour for 4. She isn't disrespecting you. She's practically still a toddler. She needs time to learn how to engage and process instructions - not all children are inherently capable of this, and it doesn't make them naughty or disrespectful.

I think it's very likely that your daughter is picking up on your anger and frustration and disappointment that she isn't like her brother, and I imagine it's exacerbating the situation.

I would ditch all punishment and scolding, and take an entirely positive approach. Star chart for good listening, help/coach her through tasks rather than just dictating, and praise praise praise praise praise every single tiny thing she does that's neutral or better.

Also, re-examine the way you're talking to her, and how you're framing requests. Get down on her level, make physical and eye contact, use short phrases and break each request into steps. Don't say "go and get ready", say "go and get your shoes", then "put your coat on" etc etc - remember that at 4 she might not have the same understanding of what "ready" means! Think about what you're saying. "Don't make a mess" is a bit of a vague instruction. Try "please keep everything in the box" instead - use positive rather than negative phrasing.

I would use some of the strategies recommended for autistic children, personally - I think they can be useful for NT children who struggle with executive function and auditory processing. Try a visual timetable for the morning routine, so she can refer to it and know exactly what is expected and in what order, every time. Social stories can be really helpful for reinforcing expectations as well, if there are particular flashpoint situations that repeatedly cause problems. Offering closed choices, eg "do you want to put your socks on first, or brush your teeth" can help give the child a bit of agency and move things along.

I feel so guilty. Thanks for your replies. 💔

Don't feel guilty! It is SO HARD to feel like you're constantly being ignored, it gives you the rage, especially when it comes from people you spend every fucking day bending over backwards for. Please be kind to yourself here, your anger and frustration is normal and understandable.

@schratching glad I found this thread. My son is the same. 4 years old and will totally blank anyone who is saying something that does not interest him. He's also becoming really defiant and cheeky. He is usually so loving and gentle but he's even starting to hit me and his dad. I'm feeling so fed up and angry with him!
I'm trying to be sympathetic because we have a lot of changes going on right now e.g. renovating a house, baby on the way and it's his first 6 weeks holidays (he loves being in school). I am hating this phase...