Has anyone dealt with the situation of grandparent favourtism?

[ohsigh]

It's getting worse within my family. My father borders on the obsessed with his eldest grandchild who is a boy. My nephew also has a sister. I have 2 girls.

When all the cousins are together my father tries to differentiate between the boy and the girls, almost like he is trying to create a division between them. He singles out my nephew and talks up his achievements. In fact, he treats him like he is his own son and the girls are more like acquaintances all lumped together than adored family members, cherished for their own personalities. The girls aren't ignored but are enjoyed only in short bursts and not in the same way the grandson is enjoyed.

My DH and I cringe when we hear my father talk about my nephew. It's like he is some showpiece. The sad thing is it begins to harbour ill feelings in us towards my nephew and it is not his fault.

I have recently learnt that my father is taking my nephew on a holiday by himself. To another continent! He is 8! My dd is only 2 years younger than him. There is no way I would allow her to go away on such a trip even if she were invited but the discrepancy between the treatment of my father's grandson compared to his granddaughters is getting larger.

I'm not sure how to deal with the jealousy I feel. On one level I am sad for my girls. I had expected my father to be a much better grandfather to my girls than he is. My eldest daughter is reaching an age where she will begin to notice the discrepancy between their treatment - especially as it stretches to easily measurable things like special activities, outings, holidays and gifts.

I can't make my father want to spend more time with his granddaughters and I would not want him to pay lip service to fairness if he didn't really feel it. I have grown tired of trying to big up my daughters' achievements and get some acknowledgment from him that they are as clever and interesting as my nephew! He is clearly not interested in teaching them the things he wishes to teach my nephew. It makes me sad but I feel like the easiest thing would be to accept it else it is going to continue to eat me up inside.

Just in case you are curious, my mother is still around and married to my father. She manages to treat her grandchildren equally and gives all of them special, individual attention. She was not told about my father's proposed trip with my nephew until after it was arranged.

Has anyone dealt with something like this?

I had this. my DD1 was the favorite (not first grandchild but 4th!) I have no idea why and couldn't make them see it either. It was bad - as they were growing up there ended up being 10 grandchildren in all- they excluded my brothers and sisters dc's - it was much worse for my dd2. She very quickly picked up on it and felt left out and the fact they were siblings it was much more obvious iykwim?

Now they are all grown up (my dd 1&2 are 19 and 16) they don't favour between the elder ones at all. I now have dd3 (22 months) who is now 'top dog' and the light of their lives!

I think its a child thing. or maybe it could be because he is the only boy? who knows? Its not nice I know but i think its something you have to ride with. Afterall, they might not even realise you have a problem with it or that they are doing anything wrong.

I think it is going to be worse for my niece inevitably but at the moment my eldest dd and her male cousin enjoy spending time together.

My father is well aware that what he is doing is wrong, he was embarrassed when he told me about the forthcoming trip however he's quite a selfish man and would still rather put his own interests first.

It might be the first grandchild thing, rather than him being a boy.

The subject of grandchildren came up with pil one day and fil said his favourite was bil's dd1.
Mil's face was a picture and she quickly added (my) dd1 as well. Ie, the eldest kids of each of their sons. Fil obviously thinks most of the child that actually made him a grandparent, iyswim?

I didn't say anything in particular, but I remember thinking well, even if you have a favourite, surely you don't say it and don't show it?

My ds is now 19mo and until v recently my mum has definitely favoured my brother's children (6 and 3), especially my niece who was the first-born gc.

I have brought this up with my mum a few times as I am NOT going to have my ds feel like a second-class gc when he is old enough to realise. I suggest you keep plugging away at your dad at how it makes you feel and how it will make your children feel when they are old enough to realise.

Luckily my mum is starting to show more of an interest in ds as he is getting older. I feel for you and your kids though - I would be fuming.

ah the trip....i knew there was something else i forgot to add

Ive never dealt with that issue because i wouldn't have let her go without dd2! Can you talk to your brother/sister? (sorry you didn't say which) I do find it very unfair that he is being allowed to go to the exclusion of his sibling at least!

I'm amazed my brother and SIL agreed to it but I haven't spoken to either of them so I do not know the full details.

My instinct at the moment is to withdraw contact between my dad and my daughters. He's not a positive influence on them so why should they bother spending time in his company. My mother comes to my house so she would still see the girls frequently.

My parents have a clear favourite, to the extent that they flew to another country to spend Christmas and New Year with him, effectively excluding the 2 grandsons and 2 granddaughters they have at home. My parents still haven't given DD, or my niece, their Christmas present.

My children tend to be favoured over my DBs kids which is horribly embarrassing. Partly it happens because we see my parents every week and only live 14 miles away. My DB and his family live nearly 300 miles away and see them perhaps 4 times a year. But it's improving a lot. Last time my parents went to see them they both came back singing their praises. Thankfully.

I think it sometimes happens that one child in particular reminds a GP of themselves, or just happens to appeal to them. It's only a problem when the favouritism becomes obvious to the children themselves.

Re the trip - could you respond - 'Oh how lovely, so where will you be taking dd when she's 8?' Seriously, it sounds more of an issue for your db tbh as it's his other child who will notice it. what does your mother say about it? Is it worth pointing out that in time his favouritism will lead to your nephew being ostracised (?sp) by his cousins.

My mother tries very hard not to favour my dd, but she finds it very difficult because for some reason she and dd have a very very special relationship and have since the first time she picked her up at 2 hours old. I don't know whether it's being a daughter's daughter - I'm an only daughter and my mother had 2 boys before me. It's quite funny seeing mum trying not to show that dd's her favourite in front of her other 7 grandchildren!

I suffer too, MIL clearly favours my nephew who is 5 weeks older than my DD. I don't have a mother myself and really my PIL are the only family I've got. It has really upset me from time to time and to be honest I avoid the two cousins being together with my PILs. Its a shame but I feel she gets treated like a second class citizen and my DH recognises it too. My FIL is better and surprise surprise my DD loves her grandad and is much more affectionate towards him and is getting quite indifferent to MIL at only 14 months!

My parents only have two grandchildren, both of whom are my children, and they still manage to have a favourite! At least, my Mum does.
She is monumentally attached to (and rather possessive of) Ds1, for which I cannot blame her as she stepped in and basically took the place of his unuseful father when I was on my own with my first baby.
She never liked the idea that I was having another baby and has never bonded with Ds2 really - she 'pretends' to be sweet with him but I know that she thinks he isn't as good looking, or nice, or special as Ds1.
I in turn find that I feel closer to Ds2, which is painful. I have feelings of 'this one is for me' with him which is not great for Ds1.
I guess in the end though we all love them both, Ds1 has 'Grandma' and Ds2 has me - so each has a special bond.
Very tricky dynamic. I have at times wnated to slap my mother especially when she 'drops' Ds2 because she is busy talking to Ds1! Or makes jokes about his name/looks, like she did about me when I was her younger child.

Not direct experience but something I'd like to share:

My uncle favoured the boys over the girls. He had 10 grandkids spread over 3 families. The two boys were from 2 of the families, one of the families is just girls. It was all things that you described whilst he was alive to these two boys. Then he died. And in his will he left all his money, assets etc to these two boys who were about 7 and 11 at the time. But it's worse, he was a multimillionaire and nothing divides quite like money. So the 3 families (ie 3 siblings) have fallen out over how unfair it is. And I hate to think what will happen when those two boys are adults and their sister's find out. One family is "grooming" the boy to share his fortune with his sister and cousins. The other is not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - I would want to confront any favouritisms whilst they are alive to argue it to. This family didn't and the repercussions are dreadful.

I have a very similar problem with my mother. She conspicuously favours my sister's boy (3) - the first grand-child. She sidelines my DD (2)and now my sis's baby girl.

She has always spent loads of time at my sister's house - she lives further away! I got virtually no support when DD was born.

I started making comments and sarcastic remarks. This just resulted in her lying and pretending that she tried to visit when I knew she hadn't. She's a cracker!

It all got too much when she was supposed to be looking after my DD and went to my sis's leaving DD with lovely, but rather incompetent granddad (he's never considered able to be left supervising grandson!).

I challenged both my mum and dad and the only answer I got was that my sis lives further away - so they make special visits. Also, she doesn't have a car (her choice, she has the money) so she needs more help. My dad secretly confided that he could see why I saw it that way, but doesn't do anything about it.

Nothing has changed (I could go on with toe-curling examples of favouritism), but in-short - I have decided to just get on with it and consider that I have said my piece and she is obviously not going to change.

I can't explain it and if I try it just upsets me and makes me angry. The only concern I have left is what to do if my daughter realises. I might just tell her that her grandma is a silly old bag! Depends what mood I'm in.

Sorry to go on, but hope it helps to know you are not alone. I would try to raise the issue, but be prepared that it may not change and you may just have to do your best to ignore it. But it might just do the trick.

Best of luck

I have a feeling that MIL may favour dp's first dd (who he had with his ex). At Christmas she made up a stocking for her (she's 11) and buys her alot more than my ds who is 17 mths. I am hoping it will change as he gets older. I know she came from a family of boys (she was the only girl) and then had 2 sons so she was desperate for a granddaughter, also sd was her first grandchild. I am pg again and she didn't even seem that excited about this one. I think it's because she has sd for whole weekends (because sometimes it was difficult for us to get her) and sd is seen as a bit 'hard done by' because her mother is pretty useless and spends most of her time in the pub. MIL takes sd horseriding and has the spare room done up in girly colours for her. I just don't want my kids to notice any different. We are moving closer so I am going to start asking her to have ds overnight and for weekends as he gets older, hopefully she will get closer to him and treat him the same. I suppose it's natural for us to look out for our own kids and not want them to be treated differently.

My family is expert in the favouring of grandchildren!!

My mum and dad were both the eldest child and both had siblings a lot younger, so for 11 years one side and 15 the other there were only 2 grandchildren- me and my little brother.

My mum's dad doted on me. Mum knew this and went overboard "making it up to poor db" by favouring him because his grandparents didn't like him . By the time her db's kids came along grandad was a lot older and less patient so I remained number one.

Just as well really because despite being the onlies on dad's side, his parents weren't that interested in us. I always considered they weren't "proper" grandparents because they didn't visit us despite living in the same city, bought us crap presents and had no time for us. Then my cousin was born. Gran managed to get the bus 150 miles (2 changes) at least once a month to see her. As she has grown up my dad's other sister paid for her driving lessons etc- never did anything for us (bitter, moi?)

My mum clearly favours my eldest which gets annoying when she tells the boys off for a minor misdemeanor and lets DD get away with murder, but at least there are more of them and not the intense twosomes of me and brother..

MIL favoured her first grandson but then mine was the first girl in 2 generations (and now the second as well). To be fair to her although she has many faults she falls over herself to treat all 9 of her grandchildren equally. She just used to wind me up when they were little by lavishing cuddles on the latest baby while ignoring the stroppy toddlers Bit more of a level playing field now they are 16 - 26 (except DD2 who is a mummy's girl and at 10 mo will not allow herself to be subjected to nanny's smothering )