I’m conflicted. Would like to have a second child, but…

[beaniesunrise]

I have been thinking of when will be the best time to have DC2. However, the thought of going through it all again actually terrifies me. I’m confused and actually very scared since my first birth was traumatic.

The overall birth experience wasn’t great and I don’t want to go through it again. I posted about it a couple of months ago, and I’m here again thinking “why can some women choose to have 2-3+ kids and Even though I want to, I’m scared?”

I do want to have more children so have been thinking that maybe a ECS would be less invasive and terrifying than VB again.

I have a low pain tolerance which the midwives were surprised with and didn’t feel shy to mention whilst I was in active labour and in extreme pain only at 4cm!

My DH doesn’t mind waiting a few years. But I’m just thinking that I do eventually want to have more children, so what route should I take in the future or even just planning (I’m more of a planner).

Just really want to hear what other peoples thoughts are instead of just my own in my head everyday going back and forth from when I wake up!

I had a horrendous birth with my first DD. Took a long time to recover physically and I had PND and PTSD.
Didn’t even think about having a second and then one day when DD was about 2 and a half I changed my mind.

Opted for an ELCS with second Dd and it was a completely different experience - so calm, all the staff were amazing and a really positive experience. I recovered a lot quicker than I expected to.
I won’t have a third child but if I did I wouldn’t hesitate to have a c-section again.

Theres 4 years between my daughters which I’ve found to be a lovely age gap and they adore each other.
Also second time round I’m more confident in my parenting and have really enjoyed having my second baby.

I had a difficult birth first time round which ended in emergency c section. Then I had a planned c section and it was still pretty brutal. It was not calm like everyone told me it would be.

I love my second child but I do miss the ease of having one. Easier to get a babysitter. Easier to go places on my own with them. Financially easier. Less time off work due to illness. The list goes on.

I had an elcs at St Thomas in their Westminster maternity wing.
I'm FTM and I thought it would be more mellow as I'm terrified of birth and have fibromyalgia and spinal issues too. It wasn't, I went from elcs to cat 1 in minutes due to a blood pressure issue, the whole thing was not very nice at all and I would not sleep, or dream about it for months afterwards. The baby and I were both in trouble

I was supposed to be given a time for the elcs but kept getting bumped for hours until I was crying with exhaustion and dehydration

I don't want to put you off but look into any low blood pressure issues very closely ask your consultant a lot about it, and demand a drip when you book in. Don't get dehydrated

It's put me off having another one

If your fear of another bad birth is holding you from having the family you actually want then that is a sign that you are still actively traumatised. In your shoes I’d go ahead and get pregnant and push hard for a c section. Your request would be competent reasonable.

Unlike the above posters I’ve had three sections and all were calm and relatively gentle experiences. Certainly miles better than my one failed labour (and I never even got as far as pushing).

I’m sorry to hear you had to go through all of that! Lots of love coming your way.

Hmm I have been reading up about ELCS, but have read that you do tend to feel a lot of pulling and pressure? I’m quite squeamish so not sure what to except if I went for it.

Its encouraging to hear that you had your DD, maybe one day I will too :) not sure we’re looking forward to sleep deprivation again, my DS will be almost 2 in a few months and it’s just starting to get better aha

Ah sorry to hear you went through that, it just disheartening. What was bad about your planned c section if you don’t mind me asking?

yeah, I understand what you mean about having more time right now, I can’t imagine trying to split time between 2 under 2s and working. However, I just think that my DS would also have someone to play with and our family would have a little more chaos! 😂

Oh no, that’s sad to hear. Thank you for the advise I’ll look into it!

Yeah - I have heard NHS do listen to your reason especially if you’ve had a traumatic experience they would be ok for me to have ELCS.

I also had an awful traumatic first birth, my daughter is 4 this year. I still have vivid flashbacks and remember every details. The PTSD is awful, I've not been taken seriously with the mental and physical trauma.

Like you, I wanted a second, I put a request into pals to speak to a senior midwife in Dec, a mental health midwife called me and went through everything with me, she listened, reassured and said what the plans would be should I be pregnant. She gave me her mobile number and said I can message her if I want when I want.

I am currently 8 weeks pregnant, petrified, feeling like I've made the worst choux of my life, but then really excited about the future, theb thinking I'll die again. Its a roller coaster

The mh midwife has kept in touch now she knows I'm pregnant and I'm having her and another midwife case manage me. They've stuck to their word so far, booked me extra time for booking appointment next week, assured me I will have an early CS, referral for CBT and early consultant care. I've made it clear that if I feel unsupported, I can't continue this pregnancy.

So far, I'm impressed, but a long way to go, I'm just praying they continue to stick to their word and support me.

I would recommend birth reflections, or speaking to your midwifery team at the hospital, I found that so helpful. Go at your pace, and be prepared for all sorts of emotions and have a good support network with friends/family early on

Good luck x

Currently pregnant with second, will have a 4.5 yo age gap which is bigger than I would have liked but with the last couple of years it's been hard. Had a difficult EMCS with first and I'm booked into speak with the consultant to book a ELCS. Couple of friends have big gaps too and rave about it - I'll be on mat leave for most of DS' reception year so will be nice to do all the school runs instead of having to sort out loads of wraparound care and rush everywhere. I think I was "ready" from about his third birthday, I wouldn't want a small age gap personally and DH was happy to wait.

I had a tricky birth with Dc1, 48 hours of early labour, then hours pushing in a pool before theatre for a (failed) vacuum attempt then forceps which resulted in 3rd degree tear.
Then I accidentally got pregnant when DC1 was about 18m old. I told the midwives from booking in that I wanted a c-section and they immediately referred me. The consultants saw me monthly, and every time they have to go through the risks with you. As long as I was certain in my choice they were happy to support, and DC2 was born by planned section. It was strange, theatres are cold and you’re basically naked and unable to move so it’s not fun or relaxing, but I didn’t really feel anything and it was all so quick.

My elcs was beautifully calm. The anaesthetist knew I was absolutely terrified, and really took her time to reassure me about everything. I was freaking out I’d be able to feel it, so she said that whilst I could feel it, it would be like being touched when they’re actually pinching. When I freaked out that the it anaesthetic wouldn’t work, she checked multiple times that I was numb, I worried about being sick and freaking out, she told me what she’d do to counteract that. Nothing happened until I was ready, she was an absolute superstar and made me feel like I was completely in control despite being basically paralysed.

I can’t help with the age gap decision (mine are 4 mins apart!) but with the benefit of hindsight I wish I’d had more before mine hit 2-3 because they turned into savages and I no longer want to have anymore because of that! There’s just under 3 years between me and my sister so that age gap has worked well for us.

I had a very traumatic birth first time round. I really struggled afterwards, terrible health anxiety and undiagnosed PTSD.

My solution was to have another baby very soon after the first. I knew I wanted two so I just went for it.

I'm glad our family is "complete" and that we have our second child. I wouldn't change that for the world. But I wish I'd looked for support to deal with my fears.

I spent my entire second pregnancy terrified every day that I would die and leave my children motherless. I nearly destroyed my mental health trying to make the fear from first awful experience go away.

In the end I had a very serene second delivery. Stark contrast to my first experience.

Good luck OP

*Hmm I have been reading up about ELCS, but have read that you do tend to feel a lot of pulling and pressure? I’m quite squeamish so not sure what to except if I went for it.

Its encouraging to hear that you had your DD, maybe one day I will too :) not sure we’re looking forward to sleep deprivation again, my DS will be almost 2 in a few months and it’s just starting to get better aha*

I didn’t feel lots of pressure as such. I could feel a slight pulling briefly. The staff said it would feel like someone was doing the washing up in my tummy and it did. I’m very squeamish but this didn’t affect me. It seemed to be over in a flash and before I knew it there she was. ☺️

Yes to the sleep deprivation. That bit is tough.

Most maternity departments have a specialist midwife who will go over your “birth story” with you if you think that will help. The one I spoke to when I was pregnant second time round was really supportive when I asked for an ELCS and said she would back me all the way.

I had a semi emergency but what I would say was ‘relaxed’ c section and if you have a low pain tolerance I would probably try to avoid, the pain in the first 72 hours is like nothing else I’ve ever felt and you have to look after a newborn at the same time. I’m 2.5 years down the line and the bottom quarter of my stomach still feels numb and strange. It’s a long recovery. Obviously MH midwives etc can advise more accurately but yeah, I’m the complete opposite, I don’t know if I want another based on the fact it could lead to another c section.

@MuchTooTired i was so scared at first but I had two amazing anaesthetists who were wonderfully reassuring. Angels in scrubs they were. Had I not been
numb from the anaesthetic, I’d have given them the biggest hug afterwards. Superstars indeed.