Child lies

[Chocpie]

I was told that my son threw toys at a teacher and at the window during nursery session. He’s 4 year and a half and when the teacher told him off and said we don’t that it’s not nice. He said mummy throw thing at me at home. I was so shocked. Did he say that to like put the blame away? I asked him why he said that he said wants to stay home and not go to nursery. I noticed that he would tell lies from times to times he even was saying for a week that a teacher farted on him which I knew was not true I told him I doubt that she would do that to you. But anyway why would he say I throw things at him when it’s not true. I do yell and tell him off and threaten to throw his toys away if he misbehaves which I never done so far. But I think I’m gonna start being stricter.

I do yell and tell him off and threaten to throw his toys away if he misbehaves which I never done so far. But I think I’m gonna start being stricter.

Try not to yell.

Don't tell kids that you are going to do things that you aren't going to follow through with as you will make them anxious as your own behaviour will now be unpredictable.

Also at 4 they are still in the telling stories stage. Every time you don't believe your son e.g. teacher farted on me, certain child hit me, ask him if he is telling a story. Then talk to him - not yell - about the difference between telling a story and saying things that are true. Finally find him story books about lying and read them to him.

Definitely going to get some books about kind hands and n'ont telling lies. I will change my approach. Are you a childcare practitioner?

This is a totally normal part of child development and in a weird way you should be pleased! Lying is a very complex brain process, it means your child is now able to hold two versions of events in their head. They are experimenting with this new skill and will soon tire of telling pointless fibs.

You sound like you are loosing your temper very quickly and should work on that.

Oh ok this is the scientific side of it lol. Well I am quite patient actually but I will yell and say that I'll throw his toys at a last resort.

So he isn’t really lying then when he said you throw his toys. That’s what you’re threats feel like to him.

I have never thrown his toys away but I have said I will throw them away to the bin not to him.

Yes but he’s 4 years old. “Throwing” and “throwing away” are interchangeable to a 4 year old. The outcome is the same, they won’t have the toys. Even if you’ve never followed through (so it’s a useless approach anyway) this is still a troubling threat for a 4 year old and they will feel the need to process their feelings about it but sharing it.

By sharing*

Makes sense

I agree with others that lying is normal part of child development and nothing to lose your mind over.

I also think you need to model the behaviour you want to see.

Ok got it! It makes more sense now. I think reading books about all this will help. I didn't think about getting books to help explain.

My 4.5-year-old is going through a phase where she lies constantly and for no reason. It’s very annoying. Her teacher told me it’s a normal developmental stage and not to worry about it, but also (obviously) to help her move through it.

I’ve tried a few things. The teacher said they’re the right things and to keep at it.

1. we read “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” every few nights, and talk about it. When we come across little lies in real life (DD’s or other people’s) we talk about how it’s similar to The Boy Who Cried Wolf and what the consequences could be

2. I encourage DD to tell stories that are truly fantastical - about unicorns, fairies, witches, etc. I praise her for telling me stories that are obviously fictional, and tell her off for telling stories that are too close to reality, and I try to really get her to see the difference

3. sometimes she tells me something that’s true (and cool, or interesting!) but I don’t believe her, because she tells so many fibs. When this happens, and I find out she’s been telling the truth, we talk about how much more fun we would have had chatting about the event if I’d been able to believe her. I usually come back to this a few times throughout the day.

4. Sometimes, she tells stories just for the sake of it that are horrible. E.g., she told me her teacher had hit one of her friends. That was a really tricky one. I was almost entirely sure that her teacher hadn’t hit anyone, but at the same time I want my DD to feel like she can come to me with (real) things that are concerning. I said something along the lines of. “That is really serious, DD. Poor [friend]. If that really happened, we need to stand up for him. We need to go tell the Head what happened, and Mme. X will be in very big trouble. She may not be able to be your teacher anymore. If this isn’t a joke, then this is a really big deal. Shall we go talk to [Head] together?” She immediately told me she’d made it up. I’m not sure if I handled that properly to be honest, but she hasn’t told a lie like that since.

@Chocpie you've got me laughing (about the fart part) hah.
You seems adorable, especially at that age, they say anything to diver blame.
I have a 2 yr old and when he messes the room with snacks or drops his tea, I ask who has made a mess here and he says it was his older brother.
I guess we have to correct them, and make them aware that lies is bad and taking responsibility for your wrong doings is important. But at that age it's hard to get them to truly fully grasp the concept.

sorry, meant your DS seems adorable.

That was really helpful thanks. I feel less alone lol. That's the thing with them lying because we need to be able to know when they're telling the truth or not when it comes to serious matter. I usually insist on what's he's telling me to try see if it's true or not. But surely I knew his teacher hadn't farted on him but the fact that he kept saying this for over a week was weird

Like pp have said lying is a normal part of child development but there comes a point where they need to distinguish truth from fiction.
My daughter had a great imagination so would come home from nursery/ school with all kinds of stories, as she got older it become harder to actually tell if it was a story or actually happened!

We had a chat about talking the truth but I also emphasised that I liked her stories, so agreed that when she told me something I would ask is this an imagination story? Sounded a bit nicer than lying to me. She was around 5 when we started doing this and it worked well for us.