Returning to work after maternity leave

[Ms3021]

I don’t go back until September but today arranging everything just made it so real I’ve cried on and off (when DS is awake and can see me lol) most of today

I feel so sad the thought of not spending all day everyday with him. Putting him in nursery which I am so nervous and scared about but we don’t have a choice, much like we don’t with me returning I wanted to take the full year but I won’t be paid for 3 months if I do which we can’t do.

Please tell me it gets easier? I feel so sad at the thought of this I wish I could be a stay at home mum it’s breaking my heart

If it's making you this upset is it not possible to cut your cloth a bit tighter and take more time off?

I can't offer any advice unfortunately as I went back to work at 4m and was over the moon, but I will say that when DD went to nursery at 10m she had an incredible time. Much more fun than she had at home!

I was absolutely in your position. I promise it gets easier. The first few months were rough for me not going to lie but then it got easier. I would suggest of you are going back full time to start with a phased return if you can, some employers are offering that which is great! But if not try to book off one or two days a week to ease back into it.

It really does get easier. I was 100% the same and cried TONS, lost loads of sleep over it. I hadn't left my LO with anyone over 3 hours and hated that but I started getting her settled in to childcare 6-8 weeks before going back to work.
So that would be my little bit of advice- get LO settled into nursery before you go back to work, so start settling in sessions maybe end of July, even if it's just one day a week to get used to being apart. That was the worst part for me, my house was never as clean as nursery days as I had to keep myself busy at first. You'll both be absolutely fine.

Thank you everyone

Ideally I’d go back later or drop a day but im
moving to a new team when I’m back so I can’t really do
those things I’ve got to start my new job and make an impression :(

The nursery did mention settling in sessions so I think it’s best to start them soonish so I can ease my mind a bit

I’ve barely left DS alone with his dad - which is bad and making me worry about the transition we’re both about to go through

So I went back half a day a week at 9 months and hated it so much I handed in my notice! I just didn't want to be away from her given out of 40 odd years I may get to spend with her, there are only a few short ones now where I can see her all day every day! You have to do what is right for you.

You need to get him used to being without you - why hasn't he had any time with his dad?!

Honestly this is why I’ve made so much effort to leave my son with grandparents/friends etc. Its going to be easier for me to leave him when I go back to work in August. It clearly won’t do you or them any good by just being together allllll of the time. I can’t believe you haven’t left him with his dad, why did you have a child with him if you don’t trust him with his own child?? Madness.

It’s not that I don’t trust his dad it’s that I just don’t want to leave my baby. I don’t really do anything alone that needs me to leave him

Does your DH not deserve a chance to build his own relationship with his kid? I always find posts like this really sad.

It does get easier. I work in HR and talk to mums returning from maternity leave all the time and most of them feel very much like you do. I always tell them the anticipation is always so much worse than the reality. Babies do not remember that time and are absolutely fine with a good caregiver. Having a flexible job that will enable you to attend assemblies and such will be more worth it as missing those things are what children remember.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. I felt exactly the same!

@MolliciousIntent shes asking for support, not to be interrogated about what she apparently has done wrong parenting wise.

OP, it took me a long time to adjust, I won’t lie. It was the best part of six months before I got into the swing of things properly. DS had an exceptionally challenging stint at around 16 months where if I’m honest I wasn’t hugely enjoying him. (He’s now 18 months and delightful - mostly - but that stint brief as it was made me quite grateful I wasn’t spending all day with him!)

Nurseries always feel daunting at first but baby areas tend to be very gentle.

How old is your baby? I'm going back to work next week and my baby will be almost 9 months old. Even 5 or 6 weeks ago I was nervous about it but now I'm really looking forward to getting back and seeing all the gang again! It helps that I love my job and I've never liked the idea of being a stay at home mum. September is still a bit away, you might find that you've adjusted to the idea by the time it rolls around.

Please don't feel bad about not having had much time away from your baby yet. I'm sure your partner does have his own relationship with his child even if you've preferred to stay close by for now.

Completely agreed with this! The build up is awful. Getting back into work was actually not half as bad as I thought.

I had terrible mum guilt about needing to send DC1 to daycare. I did everything in my power to make it so that she could stay home until 14 months old (with me, then my DH, then my DSis). The day she started daycare… OMG SHE LOVED IT. Then I felt guilty for having kept her away from it for so long. 😂

DC2 started daycare at 6 months, was very happy there, and it didn’t do anything bad to our relationship compared with the relationship I have with DC1. My fears were totally unfounded.

I enjoy my DCs a lot more when we each have our own thing going on for a few hours a day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And they do all sorts of fun stuff at daycare that I would never have the time, energy, courage, or knowledge to do at home.

I had 6 months of maternity leave, the week before I had to return to work I got really depressed and just couldn't bare the thought of leaving DS. My husband suggested I quit my job and stay home with baby for a while, and so I did. Best decision ever.
'A while' turned into 3 years. When I felt he's old enough to be in creche I got another job. The first day I left him at creche I was incredibly sad, I promised myself to never have any more kids so as to not experience this feeling again. But I got used to it, and it helped that he was enjoying creche and interacting with other kids, playing and learning.
I did have another baby but this time we have more financial responsibilities (car, bond, school) so I couldn't quit my job. But the transition was a bit easier as I found a wonderful home nanny and drop him off at her every morning. There is just 1 other child there so he gets a lot of love and attention in a homely environment so I have peace of mind that he's ok.

You need to start leaving your baby with your DH, not only for you but your baby. You aren't doing them any favours by not preparing them for nursery, and being looked after for other people.

And you need to prepare yourself otherwise your baby is going to feed off your nerves

When I went back to work after my first son, when he was about 11 months old, I was a wreck. I cried in my car on the way to work, and in the evenings I would cry because when we were reunited I felt so guilty that I hadn’t been with him during the day.

This only lasted a few weeks though and then everything was fine. He went to a childminder who only had two other children and she absolutely adored my son. I felt happier knowing he was in a home environment with more chance of individual care than I felt about him being in a nursery. I did look at a few nurseries but I just didn’t feel comfortable about them.

My second son went to a childminder too and he’s leaving her next week after 4 years of being with her and I feel so sad about it. The good news is that I found it much easier returning to work after maternity with him than I ever had with my first.

And although I understand you don’t want to be away from your baby I agree with previous posters that you really need to get her used to being cared for by people other than yourself. If you don’t want to do it for your own needs then you put them aside and focus on what is best for your daughter because if you don’t express her to other careers then you are going to make the separation from you so much worse for her….and I’m sure that’s the last thing you want. You need to make her going to nursery as stress-free for her as you can - the last thing you want is for her to be there and feeling distressed and anxious and upset because you’ve suddenly gone and being under your care is all she knows.

Start off small, leave her with grandparents for a few hours or something and gradually build the time up until eventually they have her for a full day. I think you need to prepare your daughter for the fact that you can be away from each other but everything can still be okay.

@Ms3021 my boy has just turned one and I'm due back in work in three weeks time. I took the year and some a/l. We have just started settling in sessions at nursery. The first day I stayed but the other days I've left him for longer periods of time. The first day he was barely in the door and was off crawling and exploring the room. Came back to me maybe 3 times in the hour we were there. I stayed this time.The next time I dropped him at the door. I literally handed him over and ran because I was worried about him crying. Again he was fine. The next time I went a bit slower at the hand over just to see his reaction. He went to the nursery teacher no problem and I waved and said bye. Left him for 2hrs that time. He's done really well with his settling in sessions. It still fills me with dread the thought of not being with him but i keep reminding myself it's only for 2 days. (Going back part time). Like you he's never been away longer than hour with his dad.