How do I accept this?

[3rdbabywoes]

This may be long so I apologise.
Name changed as it's very clear who I am to those who know me and I don't want to link up with other posts.

I have two beautiful children, DD8 and DS5. I'm very blessed and lucky, I truly know that. I also deep down think two is plenty, I'm not even sure I want 3 children, but there are a few factors which are making me doubt myself.

I always thought I wanted 3, at least. My pregnancy with DS was incredibly hard, mentally and physically. One of my kidneys stopped filtering, and I had constant UTI's, I also had severe SPD and was on crutches whilst looking after my 2 year old. Those problems in themselves would make it silly to have another.

When my DD was born, she was completely unresponsive, in incredibly poor condition. She didn't breathe or have oxygen to her brain for 7 minutes, it's a miracle she's alive. The entire experience with her birth was trauma I can't even explain. 42 hours of labour, where I was ignored, belittled, and ultimately me and my baby almost died. When I took her home, I suffered PND, and I still have extreme anxiety and PTSD today. I feel my daughters first year was robbed from me. I didn't enjoy it. I would sob when alone with her, I couldn't attach fully as I was certain she would die. Her first year is a blue, and I hate myself for that. I'd do anything to have that back.

My very close friend has a beautiful 3 month old baby girl, and I've had several god children and not experienced this with them, but I am so desperately jealous. I want a baby girl to enjoy, to make up for what I didn't have. I had it with my son, and it makes no difference what sex they are, logically I know that - but i am struggling so very much with this. I have such a bond with the baby, I absolutely adore her, but when I go home I am distraught. So sad that I can't have that, and guilty - I'm acting like my children aren't enough for me, and that's not the case at all.

I had a miscarriage in between my two children, and my eldest should have been a twin. Is this linked? Is it a late reaction to grief? Am i upset that the third child I wanted can't happen due to my health? I hate feeling this way, I don't want to keep missing what's in front of me by imagining what could be.
Thank you for reading and im so sorry if I sound selfish or this is upsetting to anyone x

You’ve been through so much. Have you had any therapy to support you in processing the traumas?

Did you ever have any counselling after your daughters birth? What about a birth reflections meeting to discuss what went on?
I had counselling after a traumatic birth with DD2, I was pregnant at the time but unfortunately that baby ended in a tfmr.
It did help when I had the next one tho.
The kidney thing is also concerning, what did they say about more babies then?

How does your partner feel? Does he want another or is he happy with 2?
Have you considered adoption or surrogacy since pregnancy is difficult for you??
My husband said today you're broody we should get a puppy. I'm not, I have 5 children I'm definitely done with babies and ready for the next stage. Just need to get rid of all the baby stuff cluttering the house! x

Thank you for your reply.
Yes, I had a course of CBT whilst pregnant with DS. I have had another round of talking therapies, and I am on medication for my anxiety and ptsd. I have been managing relatively well, a few slip ups. The new baby has triggered this, which makes me sound awful. She's a gorgeous wee thing and I adore her and her mum. I just wish I wasn't so painfully jealous and bitter.

Thank you for your reply, and I'm so sorry to hear what you went through

The kidney was pregnancy related and cleared up as soon as I had ds, the consultant said it was just a side effect and apparently it's more common than you'd think.

Dh is happy with 2, but to be honest he would be terrified if I was pregnant, due to all that happened. He would struggle worrying about me. I don't think it would be fair on my children either for me to be even more unwell than I am - I have fibromyalgia and possible chrons so it would be unfair.

We have discussed fostering when we have the space and cost of living isn't what It is, I would absolutely love to be able to help a child in need.

I'm thinking of filling the void with another kitten if I'm completely honest

I had a similar experience with DD1, mismanaged birth, unresponsive non breathing baby, terrible first year of which the first half at least was spent in a bit of a black hole.

Like you I am still envious of all the women who had straightforward births and babies. I’m even envious of those who had shitty births but their babies were ok, as mine has lifelong effects. (I hope your DD is ok?) It helps me perhaps that unlike you, I don’t know anyone having a baby right now.

I may be projecting but it sounds to me like you want a do over more than a third child per se. You are hoping for the perfect or at least normal experience you didn’t get with DD? I get it if so. But you know really that it wouldn’t be like that - it might not be the easy experience you’ve got in your head, it might even go wrong again, especially with the medical history, and in any event it won’t be that first baby experience you feel robbed of.

I vote kitten… Kittens rock.

Op I completely, completely get where you're coming from.

My first and second pregnancies were in extremely difficult circumstances and i never felt like I enjoyed them with my dh as I should have done so I always felt like I wanted one last chance at having a lovely pregnancy.
My third pregnancy dh and I were very close and all of those difficult circumstances were gone... but three weeks before giving birth, my mum passed away...

Hi OP, you are an absolute hero, you have been through a lot. X

I also had a horrific pregnancy and although DH wants a second child, no way I'm having another one (although the issue might have been a one off).

I think every time you will see a cute happy baby and mummy you will be envious and thats completely understandable and it's ok.

Do you think you could focus on your DD by giving her lots of attention and love to make up for the first year you have lost? If you had a third baby your DS and DD would have even less time with you and would feel quilty once again.

I cannot thank you all enough for your kind and thoughtful replies, and for sharing your own experiences.

By a miracle, DD is healthy with no permanent effects. She had a brain condition which cleared before she left scbu, and has been perfectly fine since. She was a very sick baby In general with reflux and cmpa, screamed for the first 3 months.
I think you are all correct, I want a do over, not another baby. I'm angry at what happened and I'm jealous of everyone who has a lovely baby girl and bond. And it is baby girls - which again, I had a wonderful birth and baby stage with my son, and when it's boys I don't feel the same. It's sex specific even though I know that's ridiculous. Dd and I are very very close, and we have time together where we go for afternoon tea just the two of us.

Fingers crossed all remains well and we are due to take them to Disney later in the year, which will be lovely to spend a full week with them and DH without any distractions or daily life getting in the way.

You have all made me feel heard and that it's ok to still struggle with what happened, and I can't thank you all enough for that.

Get a kitten. Pets are great therapy.