Really not liking treatment of DS at school

[MrsSnape]

My son (7) has always been "difficult" since he started school. He's NEVER been a bully, never had temper tantrums, swore, spat or anything like that...he's just constantly "silly". He loves to play the clown and will mess around much prefering the attention from the other kids to that of the teacher.

He's difficult at home too though, cheeky, constantly messing around, runs straight across roads etc. He's currently under observation by a child behaviour expert to assess for ADHD or similar.

To the point...his teacher never has ANYTHING positive to say about him. She's always very off with me too, she'll never approach me herself so if I want to find out how he's been I have to approach her...to other mums she's all smiles and laughter, with me she's very stern faced and says "hello?" as if to say "what do YOU want?" and I know I'm not just being paranoid, its obvious.

Its like yesterday all the kids had come out of school and there was only me and one other mum waiting for our sons. This teacher saw us both standing there and said "oh! I better go and see where David is hadn't I!" and ran back into school to look for this other lad with no mention to where MY ds could be.

They started a system that rewarded DS for good behaviour, he got a sticker for having a good day but they stopped after a couple of weeks.

The school has an achievement assembly system on a monday where two kids from each class get to stand up in assembly with parents watching to collect an award for anything from good work to being on time to school. The teachers try to work it so that ALL the kids get at least one assembly in a term and my son has had NONE since starting year 2.

What REALLY annoyed me the other day is that a kid came out of school and told his mum that "Alex" had been naughty "again", bullying other children and attacking people. This kid ("alex") is constantly in trouble, normally for hurting other children and always has it in for DS.

Anyway, low and behold "alex" struts out of school a few minutes later with a slip informing his mum that he's been awarded an achievment assembly for "trying hard" .

OK so DS is a pain, I'm not going to pretend he's an angel but I feel that the teacher makes it obvious that she just doesnt like him. Am I being an OTT mother?

Would you feel able to book an appointment to talk to her about it all? If you came across as wanting to work with her to deal with whatever issue she thinks is the top priority, then it might convince her you're both on the same side IYSWIM. I don't mean you aren't already, but it sounds like maybe she's put both you and him in the "difficult" category and it'll take a positive move from you to change the perception.

You could also try posting this in Education or Primary to get input from parents there - not everyone spots the parenting topic....

I agree, I think you need to make an appt and discus with teacher (or head of year?)

i dont think you can make that assumption unless you speak to the teacher and say " have i done somethng to offend you>?"

my son is 14. only once has a teacher EVER said anything nice about his work at school.

ONCE. he was 8 and i cried. i usually brace myself mentally before a paretns evening. and now i am afraid that i turn up becuase it gets a "i give a shit as a parent" mental mark - but i give up. he gave up at around aged 7 i think.

I too think you need an appointment with the teacher. It is possible to be over-sensitive but from your post it doesn't seem like you have been. I would write down what is bothering you point by point, particularly the abandonment of the star chart system, which is really bad. Take the notebook into school for the meeting, and if your dh is supportive and doesn't think you're "worrying about nothing" can you take him? Having the notebook and having it written down will help to keep your mind clear as it can become so emotional, as custardo says it can make you cry, good and bad reactions about your children. Do you get the impression that your ds feels this too and is suffering because of it? If it's not affecting him then you might want to tread more softly? I have a friend who did say straight out to a teacher "do you actually like my son?". It is tough for teachers but they should be able to not make it so obvious and should always be fair. There might be one particularly incident which set something off, which could be explained or discussed in a meeting. Also I would have a list of what you might expect to change after the meeting, a few things to ask for. But if you are super bolshy it will probably just put their backs up. I hope things improve, I have been through this myself and am still going through it to a certain extent.

My younger brother had a problem with a teacher who disliked him intensely. He was never given stars, etc, awarded to other children, and the teacher was always picking on him. So much so that on one occasion he wasn't even in school and was being blamed for noisy behaviour in class when the teacher's back was turned! We found out about it from a cousin who was in the same class. Apparently the teacher didn't even turn round to look at what was going on but simply called out my brother's name and started telling him off.

After that my parents complained to the headteacher, but it just made the problem worse as the teacher resented my brother even more. He ended up having to change schools.

I think it's best to talk to your son's teacher first to try and resolve the problem, don't let it go on and become worse. My parents thought back then that the problem would sort itself out, but it didn't, and they have since said many times that at the time they should have spoken to the teacher concerned before it got to that stage.

My guess is the teacher feels embarrassed because she can't cope with him, or knows that he is not getting the help he needs in the class.
The less charitable interpretation is that she wrongly believes that his behaviour is down to your parenting, but either way, getting together and woking out a plan of action would be my recommendation.
Even if he's not officially diagnosed with ADHD or whatever, the school should develop a strategy to improve things.

Its just so frustrating because I really have tried to work with the school. I told them I had involved a psyhciatrist (sp?) and I asked if I could be given regular feedback on his behaviour so i could monitor it etc...I know another teacher was slagging DS off to another mum at one point apparantly at open night the teacher had told her that her son was lovely and it was a shame he'd fallen under the wings of my DS (she actually named him to the mum) and it just happened that I am friendly with the mum and she told me what had been said. My DS gets the blame for everything this group of boys does.

My ds1 had a teacher like this in year2. She couldn't cope with him, he was always being sent to the head and I was always being told how naughty he was. She would look past me to speak to another parent. She saw him as a burden and he made zero progress in that year. There really needs to be a clear system of rewards and consequences otherwise chn like my ds (and maybe yours) will flounder. Teachers who have had this in place and who have enforced it rigorously have had loads of success with him. If you get no joy from the teacher express your concerns to the Head.

she's admitted that he drives her mad and she said last week he was unbearable. It gets to the point where she sticks him in the coridoor to do his work on his own where he's out of sight.

Poor lad!

The teacher is failing him. You must take this further. "Sticks him in the corridor"? If he needs help, he needs help, he doesn't need to be stuck in a corridor. I do support teachers but it doesn't mean they're always perfect and it sounds like she's too afraid to admit she can't manage and needs help. But going in all guns blazing will upset her/him leading to more defensiveness. I think if you are confident you have right on your side and stay calm, you will be able to turn this around without confrontation. He really needs you to stick up for him.

I'm seeing his phyc on Friday so I'm going to mention to him that I don't think the school are helping him.

The teacher does have a support teacher. I was friendly with one of them and asked what he was really like in class and she said "don't get me wrong, he is lively but to be honest he makes me laugh, he's so funny" so its not as if he's an unlikable child. The other support worker saw us in town one day and said jokingly "oh no! it's Daniel!" and he beamed at her and my DS1 said "yes, daniel the menace" so the teacher said "no he isn't...he's funny arnt you Dan!" so she didn't seem to think he was that bad either.

That's fantastic that he gets such a positive reaction from other adults he sees in school. Is his teacher young? Newly qualified? or no children of her own? Lot of assumptions there but I have found (said this before on another thread) that older teaching assistants can be so much more relaxed and positive because they've seen such a lot in their years on the job. I'm not denigrating teachers who sometimes do struggle but it's all targets these days and there isn't always time. Maybe all my assumptions are wrong. They're based on my experience (often in tearful meetings!). I still think you need a supported meeting with the school. When you go in on your own it can be quite intimidating.

Definitely needs a meeting with the school - maybe see if you can get the teacher, the support teacher and the head as well? Then have a meeting about "how are we going to move forward" and try to get some specific plans agreed - sticker charts if you felt that worked well before, or something else - and a plan of action of what you could do at home to help, (for exampls, enouraging DS to concentrate for longer at a stretch, if that was an issue).