What was your relationship and parenting like after infertility?

[DesdemonaRose]

I’m not sure if this is in the right place. After four years of infertility we have been blessed with a baby. However, we are struggling. We are finding it hard to get along and are both very critical of each other. I am breastfeeding. We have a strong relationship but it doesn’t feel fun or enjoyable; everything between us feels like hard work. I feel very sad about this as our baby is a delight. I feel mentally exhausted after the last few years (we also experienced two miscarriages and the loss of a parent). Mumsnetters, does anyone have experience of this? Any positive stories out there? Please tell me we will find each other again.

Didn’t have infertility, but I think most relationships take a huge hit after a baby arrives, and more so if you’ve been trying for years. Parenting is seriously hard, and it remains a mystery to me how any relationship survives.

How old is your baby? We have a fabulous 8m old DD after 4 years of infertility inc 2 miscarriages and our relationship has suffered a bit, we argue more, fall into the trap of playing “I’m more tired because…” etc but we try to keep our connection, look out for each other and spend time as a couple together when she’s asleep in the evening as well as family time at the weekends and we’re muddling through, it gets easier at each stage. Also we get GP to babysit now and then for a chance to have a date. Definitely not having another, DD completes our family and we would lose too much as a couple if we were more stretched.

Thanks for your responses ☺️. @kikisparks I’m so sorry for your losses. Our baby is four months old. When did things start getting easier for you?

I had several losses and complete loss of fertility (ruptured tubes) and a lot of IVF. We were blessed to finally have our rainbows.

It's not unusual after suffering fertility issues and losses to feel like you do OP. I think when we want something so much we end up with this whimsical idea of what parenting must be like. That having a baby is the answer to everything and will make our lives perfect after so many troubles. And actually it can feel worse when reality doesn't live up to all that time spent grieving and dreaming

The reality is that parenthood is parenthood no matter how we get there. Dont put pressure on yourselves to enjoy it - in reality these early months (and years!) Can just be about getting through with your sanity (and marriage) intact.There is a reason why lack of sleep is used as a form of torture - but this time will pass. You won't ever be the same - your parents now - and you'll need to reconcile that - and develop a new dynamic to your relationship as parents.

6 years of unexplained infertility for me. I have been blessed with two babies since. For me, I was so obsessed with the idea of being pregnant, getting pregnant, holding onto the pregnancy that I didn't even think about what life with a baby is like! That is hard enough to cope with at any time. For me, the times I wasn't enjoying being a parent for whatever reason, tiredness etc made me feel very guilty. It was all I ever wanted, why was I not happy all the time? At 4 months your baby is very young and you are still getting into the swing of things. When your sleep improves, you will feel so much better.

Congratulations on your baby, don't be too hard on yourself or your relationship, take your time, work as a team as much as you can.

I work with lots of people who undergo fertility treatment and find, in particular people that struggled for a long time to get pregnant feel like they should love every minute once a baby comes. Sometimes people feel bad complaining about how fucking hard it is to have a newborn as they should count themselves lucky.

I think the first year puts on a huge amount of stress to a relationship, particularly one that has had a number of years of stress anyway because of fertility treatment. It will get easier and if you can go for lots of walks together so you can talk and have little conversations about how you're struggling. Good luck

2 and a half years of UI here. Newborns are hard for everyone, but when they are hard won it can feel like you can't possibly complain about them. I mean you tried for years and years for this, how can you not love it?

4 months is the end of the newborn stage and with breastfeeding things start to get a bit more predictable and easier. Sleep gets better a bit too.

For every couple the arrival of a baby is a huge upheaval. It totally changes your life and your outlook. You can't even get a proper conversation going.

What I would suggest is communication. Talk to each other. You should be able to start getting your evenings back now. Have dinner together while baby sleeps (note from 4 months we'd put them to bed upstairs in their cot in their room) play cards, watch a series together, have some adult time to reconnect.

Yep. It's just parenting is hard and exhausting.

Thank you all for your kindness in sharing your experiences.