Routine when does it end?

[LGBirmingham]

We have a very active, highly charged 18 month old. He is, and always has been pretty non stop all day long. He has always needed lots of activity or he gets massively bored but has also never handled staying up late or missing naps well either.

We found that to keep him on an even keel having a consistent routine really helped. He just ends up a screaming mess otherwise. When he was younger that entailed being very aware of wake windows and always resettling him from naps if they were short. Nowadays his nap isn't always exactly the same time, as it depends when he woke in the morning, but is somewhere between 11:30 and 2:30 but we pretty much stick to lunch at 11:30 and tea at 4:30 like he has at nursery. Bed time varies depending on his nap but at the moment is pretty consistently between 7 and 8.

I feel like we get a lot of stick for this with comments from family and friends about going with the flow. We would much rather not be so pinned down by meals and naps. Every now and then I just think screw it let's just have dinner later etc... and he just ends up massively tantruming, throwing his dinner around, refusing to eat and getting really upset. We end up spending the rest of the evening trying to get bits of food in him so he doesn't wake all through the night.

DH thinks we are just being responsive parents by sticking to his routine as he clearly needs it, and should just ignore the comments. And I do agree with him. But my question is when does it end? Will he always have to be having meals and bedtime at the same time of day? Will we be able to be less rigid in the future and have late nights? And how come my family and friends have managed to just go with the Flo without their little ones just crying/tantruming? Are we doing something wrong?

Are we doing something wrong?
Nope. 'Tis totally child dependent. 12 has been able to handle late nights for about a year now, but before that would be pretty much as you describe. Hideous and wake and normal time the next day and continue. 10 has always been totally different when it comes to sleep and would easily stay up later and catch up with an extra nap or a lie in. Parent the child you have not the child everyone else has. You aren't doing anything wrong.

I agree with your husband. I typically establish a routine from early on and for the first two years all activities revolve around meal and sleep times. Then from toddler stage we start exploring what can be tweaked. The occasional nap in buggy. Meals out. A dropped nap in exchange for a super early bedtime. Etc etc

also you said something in your post about your child getting bored….. sometimes I find children who are constantly entertained and engaged with, have such little tolerance for boredom that their parents end up in a perpetual cycle…

.. I find it’s really healthy for a child to be bored and that those who are given space and opportunity to sit in their boredom , usually have the most amazing imagination and self sufficiency . Of course with plenty of physical activity and outside time and mental stimulation too.

follow your instincts and ignore what your family or friends say! They will have an opinion no matter what you do so you may as do what works for your family

You haven’t done anything wrong. DD1 was exactly the same; grew out of it around 2ish, when she could communicate fully and understand reasoning.

DD2 is 10mo and very chilled, the complete opposite. You can take her anywhere, give her snacks to push a meal later, will be fine with a cat nap on the way to and from a day out etc.

Zero difference in parenting either of them. Just personality.

It does get easier. We still stick to the same bedtime each day but more to preserve our evenings than anything else. Otherwise, life is just easier all around.

My DS1 was exactly like this. DS2 is heading that way as well. People always told us to go with the flow, he'll nap in the car it's fine, if he's awake longer he'll go to bed easier don't worry, why are you stressing so much about dinner a late dinner won't hurt him etc.. but they were definitely wrong and all of those those scenarios resulted in a crabit out of routine overtired nightmare of a child who wouldn't sleep properly for 2 or 3 days afterwards. Honestly it stopped a bit before he turned 2. Now he sleeps till whatever time in the morning Only naps if he feels like it. Gets dinner anywhere between 4 and 6 and really doesn't phase him. Sleeps fine at night. Felt like so much more freedom all of a sudden because when we left the house stopped being limited by when he'd need a nap or if we could give him meals on schedule. Like most things it usually passes.

I'm very sympathetic as I could have written this myself! And you would look like hippies next to what we used to be like. It was like living with a ticking timebomb. Even 10 minutes late with lunch could result in a meltdown and had a knock on impact for the rest of the day.

DC1 calmed down miraculously at 2.75. At 3 we could relax a bit and at 3.5 we could do all sorts of crazy things like Christmas at Kew in the evening. I hope that gives you hope!

DC2 completely different and you could push the routine from the start.

Those fucking comments from family really did my head in. As if they know better.

Thanks for your comments all. It's reassuring to the know that we're not the only ones with a child like this and that it probably will change as he gets older. In someway we're lucky because he goes to bed at night very easily, and even sleeps through about half the time these days, probably because of our ruddy routine! But changes in routine really throw that out, it's very noticeable.

People always say that a mother knows best about her child, that is until you have an opposing opinion on routine then you're clearly a weird, uptight, control freak who needs to relax. The irony is that for years I lived half on the road touring and had no routine. It isn't in my nature at all, but ut seems to be what ds needs. 😂

Nanny it's very reassuring that you say we'll probably be able to push the routine a bit in the not to distant future. You must have had a lot of experience with children like this.

I think I do ds a disservice when I say he gets easily bored. He can entertain himself for upto half an hour pottering round the garden transferring stones from different buckets, or inside stacking hoops. He also sits very well listening to stories. But he's never been one to want to stay inside for a whole morning. As a baby he needed taking out in the sling to look at things for a bit of a reset and now he just brings us shoes until we take him out. He just needs to be walked twice daily like a dog. He's not one of these kids that other mums tell me about who will sit in front of the TV for an hour, he watches for a minute or two then gets on with something more physical.

Do you have any recommendations of other independent activities we could get him playing?

One of mine is 4yo and still needs a routine tbh or it all goes very wrong with tantrums etc.

Hi, it sounds like you’re describing most of my charges here! Please trust your instincts and recognise what you’re doing well.

independent play is innate in children and I see it as our job to to provide an environment conducive to that. If they have routine, and are rested and fed/watered throughout the day, have a mix of structured and cerebral activities (puzzles booked construction) outdoor time and exercise, then the space left after all this is for independent activities.

souds like your little one might respond well to Montessori type activities…… which is to say, not really activities but real life or real life imitation. Does he have a play kitchen or work bench? Any type of domestic role play is lovely. You could also try setting him up with some thing similar to what you’re doing…… some socks to match up whilst you’re sorting laundry , a pan with dry pasta to stir while you’re cooking. Etc etc He may start to build on this and initiate this type of play on his own.

@Nanny2many you know what they do a lot of montessori stuff at his nursery. and you're right he absolutely loves the sort of activities you mentioned. I think I can try and make it more varied and challenging for him though. It hadn't occurred to me that he might actually be able to pair up socks for instance. Thanks for the tips.