Can I rant about "you should be grateful"

[ecnatsid]

Hi,

Having a row with DH about his night shifts, we have a 2 year old and 10 month old. Unplanned pregnancy following multiple rounds of ivf to have our first born. This meant I returned to my nursing placement 4 weeks after our youngest was born.

I've got one year left of my degree, I have taken on a part time job and I have a conditional job offer lined up for when I qualify. Im stretching myself thin.

I asked DH could he look at getting a new role in his work place that could involve working days only.

Im struggling, im clinically depressed. DH refuses, says it's not possible.

Then says, "you should be grateful I see my kids"

He does do his fair share, the nights are so hard and youngest doesn't sleep. But I should be grateful? Why...

This is just a rant really. We're at the hardest point of our marriage and I can't see a way through it really, but that just took the piss massively.

When I reacted to him, he said he meant, there are worse dads out there. Which I agree, but no im not grateful that you do what's expected of a parent.

Rant over, thanks for reading, sorry for my vent. I have no one I can talk to.

His highest standard is to "not be the worst", he is wrong, obviously.

It takes little to be a good dad
takes even less to be a bad mum

my husband constantly says he’s better than most and I remind him the bar is low for dads!

He said a stupid thing but sometimes stupid things are said in the heat of the moment when everyone’s over tired, stressed and in the middle of an argument. If he’s supportive most of the time I would let it go and put it down to the stress of those very difficult early years.

I do understand where you’re coming from though, my ex tried that line once and I was enraged by it. I asked him why he thought it was appropriate to compare himself to the fathers that are the scum of society, abandoning their children and leaving them to be paid for by the state instead of comparing himself to the successful fathers that managed to provide practical and emotional support at the same time as earning enough money to pay for their family to have a decent lifestyle. He didn’t say it again after he realised it made him sound like a knob.

Yup most men think like this...they feel they are already amazing because they are present. They compare themaelves to the worst dads. Anytjing else they do is a "bonus".

I reccommend marriage counselling

I mean perhaps you should be grateful? You asked him if he could look at a new role and when he answered in the negative - which I assume he has reasons for - you got angry at him. I mean what do you want? Him to stand there and listen to how wrong he is to be working? I’m going to assume if he’s on night shifts he does his job for the money and it’s not his life’s dream or anything so perhaps a little gratitude is in order.

This is the thing. They compare themselves to the scum of the earth"dads". Because being a present dad is optional in their minds. They always have the option to fuck off into the ether and live their best lives😁

Like most mums, you are the default childcarer and your dh expects you to be grateful that he does anything at all.

He'll need to quickly realise that when both of you work full time you need to equally share parenting duties or the default carer will quickly burn out or even risk their job. That may mean adjusting hours to cover as much childare as possible, taking holiday or time off for child's illness and appointments. Further down the line covering school holidays, inset days, extra curricular activities, school assemblies, sports days etc

So the bar for him stops at "I see them" . Does that apply to you as well, or do you have to be wonder woman,working,studying,looking after the kids and house?

@PrincessMeg there are roles within his company that he can do that would allow him to work days. He simply doesn't want to.

While I believe he should have job satisfaction, we all have to make sacrifices to support our families. I should not be the only one making these sacrifices.

I should not be grateful for a man being a father and doing their fatherly duties, I will never be grateful for him just being a dad.

I am grateful for him as a whole, but his comment was horrible.

Mid divorce, my ex H phoned to tell me he wouldn't see DC aged 3 and 4 anymore because 'it didn't suit'.

Suggest you get a divorce too. He he sounds an utter shit. Get rid of him. Be happy single!

You have the option of fucking off and living your best life at any point too. That would pit the wind up him.

YANBU.

@ecnatsid

I think it’s good to express gratitude to him for being a good father just as it’s good for him to express gratitude at you for mothering his children. If your coming from a place of “I’ll show you no gratitude because a man should father his own children” that’s a pretty harsh view and would rub most people the wrong way and in all honesty seems to be coming from a place of bitterness - which is misdirected at him.

Don’t let your beliefs come in the way of making your husband feel appreciated, that won’t lead anywhere good despite the praise you’ll get on here over it.