Really need help with sleep pattern of 5yo DD

[Triccaj]

I co parent my 5 yo DD. I’m in a very tricky situation around sleep and I just cannot see a logical path forward that I can influence/manage.

My daughter is amazingly well behaved. I have lived apart from her mother since she was about 2, so the majority of our relationship is framed with me not being in her mums house.

At mine, we have a repeatable, expectable bedtime routine, that results in my daughter self soothing herself to sleep in her own bed.

At her mums, she sleeps in bed with mum.

Since the seasons changed, DD has been getting up with the sun, sneaking downstairs and watching TV from like 4am. I’m a sleep and don’t know she is up. I get up to find she has already been up hours, is hungry for breakfast, and I feel many many negative emotions related to feeling like I’ve failed her, that I should know etc etc.

But there’s no support from mum. I have stated to Mum that I feel the reason this is the case is that DD never gets to practice self soothing/getting back off to sleep at mums. She just wakes up, if mums there she goes back to sleep, or wakes mum up and then mum tells her what to do.

Around early winter time mum raised that the co sleeping was feeling like a problem and asked for my advice on how she can get DD in her own bed. I have my advice, which was essentially you need to have a backbone and accept that there’s going to be a week or 2 of DD being upset/crying at bed time. This is a situation she has created for herself and I struggle to empathise or really have any sympathy. But it’s also affecting time at mine (I think/assume).

To be clear there is a Tommee Tippee clock in my DDs room, which is configured to change from a nighttime colour (red) to a daytime colour (yellow).

I just don’t know what to do. Please give advice. I feel like anything I do is undermined by her mum not supporting it

I think what I’m ultimately doing a poor job of explaining here is that Mum is dogmatic that I will have no say in what or how she lives her life. I left her so screw me she’ll do what she wants.
Even on issues that she has told me she wishes to change. But it is impacting my time with my daughter. The odds are already stacked against me, as mum insists I have her the minority of the time (I have asked repeatedly for 50/50 custody, she refuses, and I do not want and cannot afford a legal battle).

Yeah I’m rereading my original post and frankly, I’ve brought this to the wrong place.

Dw, I’m in the wrong. I’ll just leave now.

You're not in the wrong, you're just focusing on the wrong thing! You can instill discipline in your child though you're the minority parent, you just need to do it through respect and trust, not threats and fear.

Read "how to talk so children will listen" and "the book you wish your parents had read" and honestly try to put Mum's house out of your mind because however stressful it might be, you can't change it.

You sound like a really good dad and I can tell you really want what is best for your daughter. You can give her that when she's at your house, but it will take a lot of hard work.

Second ‘how to talk so children listen’. Great book. Please don’t scream at your daughter, you’re a big guy it must have been scary. Or emotionally blackmail her by threatening to take away a clearly needed comfort if she doesn’t do what you say. Her parents have split up, she needs lots of love and patience. I get how frustrating these things can be, but as you don’t have her that much can’t you just suck it up and put up with the inconvenience? Give her happy memories of your time together otherwise as she gets older she won’t want to come to your house at all.
For her mum, try putting a pillow in between them to sleep. I do this as my kids wriggling wakes me up. A king size bed also helps! Perhaps she could lie down and go to sleep with her, then go downstairs when she nods off then take her into her bed when she comes up to bed. At least then your daughter will be getting to sleep at a reasonable time and mum can have a bit of child free time too.

You do sound very caring or you wouldn’t bother with this question. Have you tried therapy? It sounds like there are a lot of frustrations for you that it might be useful working through with someone who is outside the situation to perhaps give you fresh views/perspectives. Wishing you all all the best, I know how hard it is.

I know a lady that was still cosleeping with her ds at the age of 4 and hated it, so tied to get him into his own bed, but she simply didn't have the discipline to do it.
She hated it, until she felt lonely or sad and wanted a cuddle so no constituency for the child.

OP, a child needs consistency so no, sadly did your child, they will really struggle to get a decent nights sleep at your house until the mother decide to give the child a decent routine at their house as well.

Again sadly, I think you are going to have to just try your best to install discipline at your home. As you know, not by shouting but by helping her understand Daddy has different rules, it's no about being the bad guy, its starting good practices as she grows.
I would put something on her door to wake yo, tell her to wake you or put something across the stairs so she can't go down.
Try one of these at a time, see if any help.

But at each time when she wakes you up, put her back in her room, she must stay there until her sun clock comes up, our DD has known this since he was 2.5, It will be exhausting but pick your response to her getting up before implementing anything and keep to it, every time. Once she knows you will follow through every time it may be one easier (although I imagine it will be harder now she's a bit older, but persevere)
I do understand your frustration though, it's a shame for your DD.