Single mum not coping

[boysenberrydream]

So, i live on the other side of the world from all my family/friends/support network. I have a one and almost 3 year old to care for. Their dad takes them out for a few hours on saturdays and sundays. I dont have residency here yet, i cant afford childcare and i solely rely on my ex partners money. I split up with him during the second pregnancy. He was abusive and he was a serial cheat. Would not let me go home to the uk with the children.

Now, on a day to day basis it is chaos, particularly in the mornings. I get woken up 3-4x a night in between both of them so i wake up exhausted. I try to get everyone changed, dressed and fed and shower myself and its so stressful. Youngest will cry to be held constantly, banging on the shower door. Everyone follows me into the toilet and then they will throw toilet paper around. Neither stay still for getting ready. Oldest will get on his ride on bike and drive away from me whenever i try to dress him or brush his hair and teeth. Oldest also refuses to try/eat most things as hes an extremely fussy eater. If the oldest has a nap in the day, he wont fall asleep until almost 9pm, and then i have another 1.5 hours of tidying. If we go shopping, the oldest will demand to get out the pram or he will have a meltdown. Then he just creates chaos in the supermarket, doctors office or wherever we are. He doesnt listen to me and if i have a word with him he has a tantrum or ignores me. I can see other people getting annoyed with it. I live in constant fear of the whining and tantrums. Whenever im cooking, or tidying something away, the eldest will often hit the youngest. I give him time outs but it isnt making an improvement. I have developed depression and i'm taking medication for it but it can only do so much. I feel tired and irritable all the time and like i cant enjoy being a mum. When their dad picks them up they run into his and his daughters arms (shes 13) and i feel so miniscule. All that hard work i do for them on my own and they get the best of my children. I have no life of my own. When i get the time to myself im doing housework or im simply exhausted. The depression doesnt help because i just want to be left alone and i always dread people talking to me when we're out.

I dont really know where im going with this. I needed a rant and i need any advice from anyone as i feel miserable and burnt out.

I'm in a different country to my family/support network and trying to navigate getting home with a 6 month old and an almost three year old. I've been by myself with them since my youngest was 6 weeks old (I also was alone for the first 2 weeks including the birth).
I have found divide and conquer works well. And being very firm with the oldest when he is creating. I walk away when he throws tantrums. It's one handed clapping. I will close the door if necessary and leave him wherever he's wailing if he's doing it for attention/chocolate.
I tell him off more than I want to and I'm not the fun parent I always wanted to be but it's getting us through.
Over the past 6 months his behaviour has slowly improved and I'm focused on him being in the "older brother" role rather than seeing himself as a helpless baby, so I try and involve him e.g. asking him to bring me the wet wipes or toilet roll (even if I could get it) so he feels part of the solution while I'm changing the youngest.
He doesn't dictate when he comes out of the pushchair while we're out and coming out is a privilege he earns by behaving himself while we're out. So I will pick him up and fasten him back in if he won't behave.
As he's improved, my smiles have returned and I've been able to start being that parent I wanted to be. Now we can have the fun snuggles at night and the storytimes without him ripping the book up.
I don't know if any of this will help you but I didn't want to leave your thread unanswered. Can your friends/family help you get back to the UK at all?

He is fighting you for the children to control you. If you just left and returned to the UK by yourself, would he bring the children to you when he realised he couldn't cope with them, or would he just find a way to keep them?

No advice sorry @boysenberrydream just wanted to offer a virtual handhold

I'm sorry :( that sounds like a really tough situation.
I think it's essential you recharge your batteries.
When the kids are away try to catch up on sleep or something that relaxes you. Housework I'd try to do with them as much as possible. When you're cooking or tidying up perhaps the little one could go in the sling on your back (like a rucksack)? That's what I used to do with my first who wanted to be held all the time. It leaves you with free hands. Could you motivate the eldest to help you, maybe with a reward chart? Mine also loved helping in the kitchen at that age. I'd give him spaghetti to break up or mushrooms to cut (they're soft enough for a blunt knife), which kept him busy for a while.

Tantrums, meltdowns and bad attitude are so draining, I feel you
This website has helped me lots to figure out how I should approach it:

https://www.ahaparenting.com/search-results?query=&age%5B%5D=770114&concerns%5B%5D=958080&type=20&page=1

It's so hard when you're left on your own like that, far away from support. But you're doing so well. You can make it and you will make it. You are everything to your kids, even if it doesn't seem that way when they go see their dad.

Do you have any friends there? Are there any local mum and baby groups you could join? Loneliness and isolation are the worst and they make everything that much harder.

Good luck

It's so tough but have faith that it will get easier as your children get older too. My 5 year old is now so much calmer and able to entertain himself than he was at 3, and once they're at school you suddenly have that time. This isn't your life forever!