Are baby groups usually this cliquey and awful?

[Runrunrungo]

As background, I am on maternity leave and am slightly introverted but still reasonably sociable. I was also on the fence about kids for a long time before I had DS (who is 7 months) so I don't have a huge knowledge of baby related stuff and didn't really think organised baby activities would really be my cup of tea.

Anyway, DS recently started crawling and I thought he was getting a bit bored at home so, against my better judgement, I signed him up for an activity based baby group for his age range (5-12 months).

We went to the first session today, and most of it is instructor led, but there's a 10-15 minute part that is free play. During this free play period, I got chatting to another mother whose DD was using the same play equipment as my DS. It turned out that she and I had a hobby in common.

However, after say 5-7 minutes of us chatting, another woman in the group comes and sits next to me, but with her back to me, plonks her child on the activity equipment and starts suddenly talking to the mother that I was chatting to, in a way that's designed to exclude me (it was clear that she was old friends with the woman who I was originally chatting to).

I just found this bizarrely territorial, and the kind of crap that I hadn't experienced since I was a teenager (I am late 30s). Personally, if I had gone to a group with an existing friend who was chatting to someone else, if I decided to join them, I would have acknowledged that other person's existence, and tried also to make conversation with the other person.

It's confirmed some of my worst fears about baby groups. Did I just get unlucky, or is it this type of thing par for the course at baby groups?

I found them a mix. Some had groups who went along who clearly knew each other who would just talk to each other and ignore anyone else. Others had more random people; I met one of my really good friends from sitting next to her at Baby Sensory. More often I had not very exciting small talk with people during the play bits. The woman you experienced sounds like she didn't have great people skills (or maybe just wasn't very nice) as I think in that situation it would be more normal at baby groups or anywhere else to join in your existing conversation, whether or not you knew both people.

Baby group adults are just people - some are nice, some are less nice, and people in established groups don't necessarily notice other people much.

I think you might have just got abit unlucky. It sounds like the group was otherwise ok though. It’s probably just that one woman who’s like that, and I think you tend to get one person like that in any group unfortunately. Some women just like to be the queen bee. I’d keep going, you will find people you click with over the next few sessions it will come more naturally

I didn't experience that kind of outright rudeness, but it's true that when friendship groups attend together you're not breaking in!

I made some good friends at baby and toddler groups but only ever other women who had gone alone.

Don't let one woman's lack of social graces put you off. She may have done it deliberately, she may have just failed to realise you and the other woman were enjoying your chat. Whatever, one w9men shouldn't put you off a whole class.

Some people are just socially awkward or lack good social skills. I wouldn't read much into it.

It was just this one woman you had a problem with? It wasn’t even representative of the rest of the group (had a nice chat with the first woman), never mind other groups in general. It could be that the woman was sleep deprived with an unsettled baby, just saw her mate, made a beeline and totally didn’t think about the effect on you or it could basically be that she’s rude with no manners. You get people like that in all walks of life. Go again, chat to that first woman again, or to others (including the rude one, why not); “How old is your little one?” “Aww how cute!” “I love his little outfit!” “Wow, she’s so good at sitting!” etc are good openers.

I wouldn’t over think this you can’t write them all of because of this one experience which doesn’t sound like a massive deal.

You were unlucky.

Tbh I found organised activity groups less friendly in general.

I LOVED the bumps and babies group I went to. It was basically just sitting around and chatting while babies either slept or played.

So one woman was a bit rude and you're ready to condemn all baby groups?

I didn’t find them particularly unfriendly, just mind numbingly boring! If you’ve been dealing with nappies and feeds all day, you really don’t want to hear about yet another baby’s bowel movements or feeding problems. And they didn’t seem to talk about anything else.
I’m afraid I broke and went back to work at 4 months. Much as I loved DD, I preferred the operating theatre for some intelligent adult conversation (and humour!) that was utterly removed from baby minding.

There is one particular Mum like this in the school playground at pick up time. She’s literally cut me from conversations many times with her body language. So rude.

You get people like that, and it’s not easy to deal with. Just rise above it, and don’t let it put you off.
There are some nice groups out there.

I'm old now, and through all walks of life I've seen people behave like this. Some have social skills befitting a playground, except my kids never behaved this badly. It's very prevalent at the school gates. My advice is to coat yourself in teflon. Let the shit roll off you. Seek out the people who don't blank you and always say hello.

@Eddielizzard , it's just that I haven't encountered this kind of behaviour since I was maybe 17, and I had come to assume that adults didn't do this. I was quite shocked to be honest.

I'll chalk this woman up to bring an extremely immature outlier, but if I get more of the same I will look for alternative activities for DS.

*being not bring (phone autocorrect)

Finding it mind numbing is exactly why I was on the fence for so long, but I decided to suck up the baby phase as I am looking forward to an older child.

What was a shame, was that I was talking to the first woman about a shared hobby that had nothing to with babies, so until the other woman turned up and blanked me I was thinking that baby groups weren't so bad after all.

Going back to work early isn't an option for me, as I am switching jobs so it would be weird to return just for my notice period.

The friend I mentioned in my post is now one of the most senior lawyers in the country. We got talking about our shared experiences before we had kids. I never found it impossible to have conversations about things other than poo and sleep; maybe I was lucky. I had my share of dull small talk (have that in the office - 'oh yes, it IS annoying how the office milk gets used for cereal, isn't it?' - but also laughed like a drain on many occasions.

I worry that women who are feeling isolated and depressed stuck at home with tiny children get put off going to groups because people sneer about them - mothers are just women with small children, many of whom are keen to have conversations with other women.

Is it because the absence of Sure Start / children’s centres has led to a dearth of quality child-focused stay and plays?

Yup that’s what I found. I had my baby in lockdown and when baby groups started again I was SO happy so I could go and see people and my baby could see other babies but it was just awful. I consider myself a pretty sociable person and easy to get along with but I just couldn’t cope with baby groups.

I'm in a brilliant baby group, I really love going and meeting up with all the girls. I tried another baby group before this but I just couldn't bond with the women there, no real reason, they were all perfectly nice but it was a much smaller group and an older crowd.

People who go to baby groups are just people, there's no reason why they would be any more cliquey and awful than any other groups of people.

I'm at a wonderful one now but the first one I went to they were all so cliquey and horrid. I was paying £7.50 for the pleasure! I've found a lovely one now and most are very friendly.

I was deliberately excluded at Baby Sensory. All the other mums were in groups of two and three and all the groups seemed to know each other. No one would talk to me. When I tried to speak to them they’d answer and then move away. And once my baby rolled a toy to another baby and the mum moved their baby away. It was horrible and so reminiscent of being bullied at school.

I carried on going, mainly because I’d already paid, but also because my baby seemed to enjoy it. But I always felt like that bullied kid again.

@Herejustforthisone that sounds crap, and somewhat similar to my experience today. I suppose what I find the most bizzare, is that it's so common for established friendship groups to have kids very close in age. Among my own friends, their kids are either many years older than my DS, or they aren't even thinking about kids it yet.

Going to these groups fills makes you feel like you didn't get the memo telling that you are supposed to time conception very closely with with your existing friends, rather than hope to chat to new people who are on maternity leave at the same time.

Aghh awful autocorrect phone typos again, sorry. A random "fills" and "it" appeared in there.

Omg I totally had this when I was on mat leave. The worst. I don’t think they’re all like that but A LOT of them are. No idea why. I wish I’d stayed at home and watched game of thrones rather than subjecting myself to these mundane baby classes to try socialise.

I found the stay and plays the best if you have to do anything where you pay a couple of quid. It’s usually organised by a church? Not sure but I felt the paid for baby classes attract the snooty ones.

My partner had it worse. He used to have one day off a week with our little one and nobody ever talked to him even though he can talk hind legs off a donkey.