19 month old hyperactivity - I feel like I’m failing as a parent

[MinnieOne]

Hi, I’m just looking for a little advice and/ or reassurance please. So a little background info, my little boy is 19 months old. He’s currently an only child and I am a stay at home Mum. We’ve gone to groups since he was around 7 months old. He’s always been very excitable but this has increased lots since he’s become a toddler, and I’ve started to feel really self conscious at groups as he’s always the one squealing, running around, very much with his own agenda, not wanting to join in the planned activities etc. He’s such a happy and friendly little boy, his speech and movement are great although I’ve noticed he doesn’t use any of his vocab in the classes at all. This morning I really felt at my wits end and it took me all my time not to cry or leave the group to be honest, I felt like such a bad Mum. He was told off for pushing - it was done in an excitable “play with me!” way but it really took me by surprise as he’s never pushed before, I felt awful. He also put his hand up in another child’s face almost like a nose beep but OTT and the child’s Mum really wasn’t happy, again I felt awful. The third thing was that he wanted to play with a balloon another boy was holding, I saw the Mum go up into his face and say no that’s not yours. I just feel sick that 3 other adults felt the need to do my parenting for me, I clearly look incapable. At the same time we have been just in the last week working on sharing at home as I noticed last week that needs to be taught. I don’t know how to stop him pushing or being in personal space though, I’m so so gentle with him so I’m not sure why he isn’t quite as gentle with others.

He’s not the best eater or sleeper, and as much as I’ve tried to stop breastfeeding it’s proving impossible too, I just feel like I’m failing and have no control. It’s all spiralling now.

Does anybody have any advice or tips having been through similar? I feel like I need to find him a full time nursery place because I’m doing such a terrible job of bringing him up :-(

There's quite a lot to unpick here.

Firstly, very simply, you need to be supervising him more closely. Where are you when he's pushing or putting his hands in other children's faces? Its perfectly normal that some kids are more excitable and physical than others but you need to be close to him if he's doing things that are upsetting other people. What are you doing when he pushes, how are you responding? How are you responding to the person telling him off? What do you say to your son?

Secondly, it sounds like you would benefit from some more support, are you getting time to yourself, how is your mental health, does your partner pull their weight?

Thirdly breastfeeding - if you want to stop you can, it's not easy but it is possible. Can you give more info about when you're feeding so we can help you come up with a plan?

He sounds like a perfectly average 19 month old to me! At that age you probably need to be following him round at groups rather than watching from a distance iyswim.

Thankyou so much for the replies. I do need to be following him more closely and in all honesty I don’t think it’s the group for us any more due to this. The setup is all parents sat around a square with their child in a set space, with a play space in the centre the children go into. There isn’t a great deal of space so it’s almost hard to get in there as an adult if you see what I mean. Also when I try to restrain him into our set space he just has a total and utter meltdown and thrashes about to get away. (we were asked to have babies on our knee at the start of the class today, but he just wanted to be in all the balloons in the middle)

He’s never ever pushed prior to today, he does grab a bit in an excitable way and I am always trying to reinforce being gentle. It just seems to fall on deaf ears though although I’m not at all giving up.

I didn’t say anything regarding the parents telling him off as they are incredibly cliquey and I felt so self conscious, but I picked him up and took him away and again tried to say no we are gentle.

My partner very much pulls his weight, he is out at work from 7:30am until around 4pm and does take him for a short time before work so I can quickly get ready. He also does bath and story after tea each evening. We’ve no other support though.

I’m feeding him upon waking up, before his midday nap and again at bedtime, but he’s also waking for feeds 3-4 times per night still so we’ve ended up co-sleeping for ease.

I should also add that he never accepted a bottle as a younger baby, and we’ve really struggled to get him to accept a cup. He does drink from one now but only tiny amounts of water and seems to hate formula or whole milk.

Sounds normal to me. Mines 22 months but has been similar for ages, there’s no way she’d sit quietly on my knee if there were balloons to be played with!

Do you want to be feeding him that much? It's fine if you do. If not, there are things you can do. I've weaned a stubborn toddler who was feeding 3/4 times a night, in the morning and at bedtime so I do have some experience.

Do you get any time alone? To pursue a hobby, or do some exercise you enjoy, or just to have a coffee in peace with a book? I think 'me time' is absolutely crucial to parental wellbeing so would encourage you to try and have some time on your own doing something you enjoy at least once a week for an hour or two. Can your partner take your son swimming on a Saturday or Sunday morning? That way you could have a lie in plus some time to yourself. Just an idea, it seems to be all dads at my toddler's swimming class!

It sounds like a fairly formal baby/toddler class but your little one wants to explore, which is great! How about something more like a stay and play, baby soft play? Are you going to classes to make friends for yourself, do you enjoy them? At that age we spent most of our time in the park because my son just wanted to roam and would not stay put on my lap, ever. Different children prefer different things, there's nothing wrong with that.

Mine also never took a bottle or a sippy cup. We started using one of these which he liked:

www.onegreenbottle.com/product/kids-refillable-eco-bottle-350ml-piglet-tough-canteen-lois-logo-classic-sport-cap/

Toddlers have no sense of personal space so pushing etc is normal although obviously you discourage and remove if needs be. I wouldn't get annoyed at another person's toddler for being busy and a bit in your face, I'd just remove my own child if I felt they were upset by it.

Maybe you could think about taking your child to a group that's more physically active or something outside as it's summer (assuming you're in the UK?)

What's the general age of the other children? Babies on knees sounds pretty unrealistic for any walking toddlers for more than a couple of minutes. Perhaps he has outgrown it? If the other parents are cliquey and making you feel bad pay no attention to their opinion of your toddler or your parenting.

The problem with some groups and some adults is unrealistic expectations that set children up to fail. At 19 months, most of the kids I know would be in those balloons like a shot and totally uninterested in sitting still with mummy or daddy.

That class doesn't sound great for your son. Mine didn't cope with anything structured or too loud or involving too much interaction with strangers at that age, or at 2. We enjoyed a church toddler group, soft play or a trampoline park or just going to the park and a forest school group. When he was a bit older he coped better with structured groups like football tots.

Sound exactly like mine at that age and that group would have been my worst nightmare. Both of mine also went through biting phases (mortifying ) but they are perfectly normal adults now.
It doesn't sound like the right group for you. Maybe meet friends outdoors or soft play where they can run off some steam.

My DS2 was like this, very active and lively and sometimes too rough with the other kids. I really relate to the bit in your OP about being so gentle with him and not understanding why he was being so rough - in my case, he was my third child and the other two had never behaved like this, so it really took me by surprise!

It's just a phase - my DS2 is now a very kind, gentle 12yo - but it's very stressful when it is happening. I agree with supervising your DS very very closely, and leaving early if he seems to be in a pushing kind of mood.

It's also about finding the right classes to take him to. My DS2 would get overexcited at soft play but I took him to a music class that he loved and he never touched another child when we were there.

Hang in there OP. This is normal for his age and it will pass.

My first boy was like this, from the second he was born he had an unbelievable amount of energy. He's a good lad but his energy gets him in trouble sometimes. It's how he is, I had him in nursery from a year so he socialises really well but look that's how he is. Totally normal little boy, if it helps he's just starting school and he will listen more and he does sit down in class.

He sounds like a typical busy toddler doing what he should be exploring the environment he is in. At that age they don’t understand social niceties! I would look into a more physical class rather than something sat down or take him to the park for a bit before going to a group to tire him a little.

He sounds completely normal. Ditch the group and take him for a run at the park instead, they're like puppies at that age and need tons of exercise and fresh air. When you're with others it's a good idea to stay really close so you can try and intercept him when he gets boisterous.

Do you have a forest school near you,great for children with lots of energy.Outside just playing in the woods,lots of fresh air and no problem with noise.If not just get in the woods and let him run around,He is young and wants to explore and be free.Take a picnic and enjoy being outside.Plenty of time for inside play in the winter although wrapped up in suitable clothing forest school is amazing.He has plenty of time to play with other children.

Thankyou so much everybody, I really appreciate all the input.

In terms of breastfeeding, any advice regarding stopping would be so welcome as I really would like to cut back to eventually stop. I never planned to feed this long however I’ve found there’s no support for stopping compared to the support to keep going.

I agree that it’s possibly not the group for us anymore, it’s a shame as it is lovely but I don’t feel like my little one gets much from it anymore. We are in the 1-2 years class, but lots of the children sit on their parents knee for the entire session.

Forest school and the like are a fab idea, I think he would love that.

So on breastfeeding first I cut out night feeds, which meant baby going into his cot at night. I still fed him to sleep so I was popping him in his cot when dead asleep. Then his dad had to go to him in the night for about 3 nights and resettle him while I slept with earplugs in. It wasn't a lovely experience, DS was obviously outraged, but after 3 nights he called it largely quits on night waking. He did start waking again a couple of weeks later when he had a cold but he was used to not getting milk at night so I could just resettle with cuddles/pats/shushes, and it was max twice a night.

Next came the feed to sleep a couple of months later. We used to do bath, pyjamas, stories, song, feed, cot. We started having the feed before stories and then after a few weeks of that just offered water instead of milk. Displacing it from the feeding to sleep was really helpful, and I was surprised how easy this was, DS didn't really complain.

This said my DS was a shocking sleeper until he was nearly 3, we did get stretches of sleeping through but often I was up once in the night and we did revert to co-sleeping after the second wake because I was ragged. But shortly before he turned 3 he started sleeping more solidly and were able to use a gro-clock to explain about when he should go back to sleep and when he could come and 'wake us up' - obviously I am awake from the moment he makes a peep in the morning but can lie in bed and not be asked to talk about tractors until 6.30, at least.

I was very into gentle parenting up until the point I realised I needed to stop breastfeeding because he would only sleep while latched, and really my mental health was in shreds from the night wakings long before it got to that point. I decided that however my partner wanted to settle DS was up to him and just wore my earplugs. I think if you take a similar approach and your DP is doing the night settling it's best to just let him get on with it and try to get some sleep.

I don’t know how to stop him pushing or being in personal space though, I’m so so gentle with him so I’m not sure why he isn’t quite as gentle with others

It's because he has no impulse control, or awareness of his actions on other children, that doesn't come until a lot later. You can't expect a child of his age to see a situation the same way you do. Stay close(r) to him so you can intervene before he pushes or grabs a toy or acts on an impulse that could have a negative reaction.