DH struggling with fatherhood

[Alitlebitsleepy]

We have a 2yo DD and I am pregnant with our second.

Since having DD, my DH has struggled with fatherhood. He felt useless and felt that our DD didn't want to be with him. He didn't really enjoy spending time with her and didn't have a strong bond in her babyhood. This also took a toll on our relationship and we clashed more in my DD's first year than in all the years we've been together previously. However, it seemed that we'd got through this tough period and things looked up. He bonded more with DD as she got older and he became more involved, looking after DD when I go to work etc. We then planned our second, knowing that the first year might be hard again but that we got through it.

However, recently he's been very down again. He has been repeating the same things saying he's not able to do as much with DD as he'd like (he has every opportunity but she does tend to have a preference for me due to me doing the majority of childcare) and saying that he struggles spending time with her. He also regularly complains about the impact this has had on our relationship. We don't get as many days together as we did pre-parenthood, we're tired all the time, upset that I don't want as much physical affection. I'm trying to balance his needs as much as possible by arranging childcare so we can have time together regularly but it never feels like enough. Especially now I'm pregnant, I feel shattered all the time so I go to bed very early and we don't get much of an evening together.

Things were really bad last night as our DD wouldn't sleep until 2am. DH became quite angry about it and ended up saying that having children was the worst mistake we've ever made. He then went out for a drive at 1am because he was so cross being at home. I usually deal with nighttime stuff with DD as DH doesn't cope and I know he may be talking partly from tiredness, but I worry there's some truth to what he said. If that's truly how he feels, how can we remain together? How will be possibly cope when our baby arrives? I feel like he mustn't have really wanted a second child. Maybe he just agreed to make me happy.

Sorry for the long post. I just feel like I'm putting all of my energy into everything and I have nothing left to give. Why can't be be happy with our lives as parents?

I think his feelings are totally understandable but his behaviour isn’t. It’s normal for children to have a stronger bond with their primary carer but the only way he is going to increase his bond is to put some effort into it.

I think you need to ask him what his specific issues are and what he thinks he can do about it.

Is he depressed? Would he consider going to see his GP?

What is he doing about the way he's feeling? It's obviously not normal. Has he arranged a GP appointment or private counselling?

Do you think it's PND? you know him best.

@Skyla01 @cdba88

I have asked him several times if he thinks he could be depressed and he dismisses it straight away. I've asked about seeking counselling or going to a gp and he absolutely won't seek help that way. The last time these issues came up, he promised to seek help with his work counselling services but he never did. I've also suggested couple's therapy and he doesn't like that idea and was very upset that I thought we needed it.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas

Yeah I agree. I find it hard because he will often say that he's useless or that he can't help as much as he wants, whilst at the same time not really wanting to spend more time with DD and getting easily frustrated with her.

He's either depressed or he's choosing to act this selfishly. I think you need to ask which it is. If it is depression and he refuses to seek help for it then that it is also a selfish choice, in and of itself. He can't continue to behave to you and your children like this and he needs to work out how to improve matters. If he won't then you'd be so much better off without him, and without the burden of 'trying to balance his needs' with those of your tiny, dependent children.

If he won't then you'd be so much better off without him, and without the burden of 'trying to balance his needs' with those of your tiny, dependent children.

Then he's right !. And God forbid that a man has needs !.

I think the worst part of this is him agreeing to another child if this is how he feels.

ask him what he’s going to do to fix it. because it sounds like it’s all on you!

How much balancing of her needs does this man sound like he does? He moans about not getting enough of his pregnant wife's attention, which seems to have resulted in her having to arrange childcare to placate him, he doesn't do night-time parenting, when things get tough he gets angry and just drives off. He seems to expect that he should be prioritized over their child (and it doesn't even sound like he's considered that his wife should come anywhere on the list).

@HardbackWriter I appreciate that it may seem this way from the snapshot of the situation I've given.

However, he does consider my needs. He does an enormous amount of cleaning, he does the food shop, he cooks whenever he's not at work and he does take DD to give me breaks.

I suppose this is why I find it frustrating that he can't move past this feeling of uselessness.

I think the crux of the issue is that he mourns his old life. I suppose we all do a bit once we're in the depths of parenting but he doesn't seem to be able to accept this season of our life and run with it.