How to choose a child when both need you

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My DD1 (5yrs) will be enduring the most difficult part of her life with extremely intensive hospital treatments. She’s very much a mummy’s girl and only wants dad for fun and games. Dad is also pretty useless with needles etc and faints with blood, needles anything like that. I also will go crazy if I am not there and know a lot more medically than he does if any urgent decisions need to be made.

DD2 is only 7months, exclusively breastfed as she refuses bottle. She has recently been ill, so taking solids less now as well and more milk. She has a sippy cup that she likes chewing and may occasionally swallow some water from it (although most of it will go on her clothes). She also sleeps next to me for the night and with the breastfeeding I have this super strong bond with her and I react to her quickly whereas I wouldn’t trust husband to sleep with her on the bed without me, but I know it will be manic trying to get to sleep in the crib and she would already be reacting to me not being there and not breastfeeding. If I left her I would be just hoping she would start taking the bottle/ cup of milk/ sippy cup or smth when she got hungry or thirsty enough. Perhaps husband could also bring her for me to feed at least once a day (hospital is a bit further away). The previous times I left baby with dad was when she had just started to refuse the bottle (we didn’t know) at a few months old and dad had no idea she was not even drinking the milk! He told me she had been drinking so I asked is this the second or third bottle she has had and he said the first, but she had only drank 20ml from the whole bottle and he said she didn’t stop screaming the whole time! I was only out shopping so was upset he didn’t just tell me to come back but had said everything was fine. Another time I left her to go swimming with DD2 for 2hrs, I left her right after a good feed so we could be back on time for the next one. I realised she had done a poo, but thought just hand her to dad or we will never go and be back on time and she was still in the same diaper we came back! I clearly haven’t been able to leave her since.

husband’s parents are no real help and my mum is hospitalised with Covid.

I know a lot of families share childcare, but so far it has been me that does everything basically and now I have to choose. I can’t leave either one, but I can’t be with both. Please help I don’t have long to decide!

I would pick the child in hospital. The baby will cope and thrive with good dad care.

I'd go with your 5yo. She's old enough to remember and it sounds as if she needs you by her side right now.

It will be difficult for your baby, I don't doubt that, but your baby will adapt and won't remember.

Ideally though, can you keep swapping - so perhaps you do the days at the hospital and the nights at give, whilst your husband stays at your daughter's beside.

I do understand the awfulness of this though - we had 7 weeks in hospital with our toddler, and my 4yo went to live with my parents. It was awful.

How long are you likely to be away for?

this is difficult but the child in hospital really needs you.

Take whatever time you have to make your husband step up to the plate. honestly he should know that a diaper needs changing or a baby needs feeding. what was that? He is probably an intelligent man who holds down a good job -so he needs to apply that to minding his child.

And tbh this might help you reset the situation where you are essential to both of your children and dh isn't.

Child in hospital, no question.

Sorry your husband has been a bit useless so that you can't feel confident to leave him to look after dd2. He really needs to step up now. If you have to leave him reminders then that's what you'll have to do. You shouldn't be having to deal with all this. Dd1 needs you.

My first instinct was you should all go so you can carry on breastfeeding. I don't know how practical that would be.

Child in hospital needs you more. There's no way I could stay with a baby who just needs basic care when the other needs so much more.

Your husband needs to get a grip and take control here and look after the younger child properly.

Sorry but your husband sounds bloody useless. Left a dirty nappy on? Surely he could smell it? Didn't realise the bottle hadn't emptied or decreased?! It's embarrassing that he is incapable like this. I think hospital is most important right now, but could you maybe swap a few times, even for a few hours so you can get a good feed in/cuddles with baby? Also ask about borrowing a hospital pump from labour ward whilst you're in so you can stock up on milk.

Hope you're ok x

If I couldn't leave our 7 month old with her Dad, knowing she'd be properly looked after, he'd be gone.

Do you have any siblings/friends who could help? Can you afford a temporary nanny? Childminder? (Then he's only doing nights)

your 5yo needs you!! The baby just needs competent care.

Go with the 5 year old.

And have a word with your useless husband about his staggering incompetence/laziness. He’s a capable adult and the baby will be fine.

Husbands needs to step up with baby now.

5yo needs you the most.

The older one. No contest. The baby will learn to take a bottle.

The child in hospital needs you.
The baby needs care. Your husband needs to step up, and look after the baby.

I take it your DH doesn't work? What do you normally do during the day time if he does? Is your DD1 going to be an inpatient for a block of time, or is it a couple of days here and a couple of days there, with gaps in between?

Your DH needs to look after the 7 month old while the acute phase of treatment is being done. If there are 'down days' in between treatments, your DH can take over at the hospital and you can take your DD2.

She will eventually take other things if the breast isn't offered. With DD1 we had to go cold turkey because she couldn't cope with mixed messages (she's got ASD, we later found out).

This. I'm sorry your husband is such a useless twat.

I would switch the BF child to formula and leave her in dads care no hesitation.

Time for a 'good' conversation with your DH.

And as he won't be able to step up suddenly, write out the schedule with nap/sleep times, bath time, snack/meal times. Let him keep a diary if need be so you know when and how much she drank/ate. And does he know how to change a diaper? If he can't handle a wriggly child he may have to change her on the floor.

It is sad to write this list out, but he may need this in order to step up and give you peace of mind while taking care of your other DD. All the best.

Your DH could do the nights with DD on hospital as not much happens at night so you can hopefully get some rest and keep feeding the baby.
Either leave the baby with DH during the day or put him in nursery full time and DH can go to work. We would use the nursery option not because my dh is incapable but because he’s self employed and we’d need him at work.

You shouldn't be having to make a choice, your husband should be fully capable of caring for your youngest and he should be making it clear he can handle that and the home jobs whilst you are with your older child. He should be supporting you as a husband and father in the same way that you support him.

Sit him down, tell him when you have a child your life changes, they are the top priority and if he doesn't know how to do something then to learn, quick.

And uhm. Does this also mean that you normally do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry normally?

Otherwise a cleaner for a few weeks?

Thank you for all the replies.

DH is great with older children and values family time, great with playing with older kids. He’s also great at his job and making money and providing for us. He’s just not very good with babies. He does know how to change diapers, but he’s ‘afraid’ of the cloth diapers I use. However I don’t care what nappies she’s in if we’re at the hospital as long she’s dry so she doesn’t get a nappy rash or worse an infection.

the ideas of swopping for the night and writing a schedule for him and asking him to write down the amounts she has had were really great, I think these will really make it work better for us.