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Original poster

Completely lost it with toddler and feel awful

25 replies

TheseAreMyGoodPants · 23/06/2022 18:19

Hi all. Feeling like the world's worst mother atm.

DD is almost 3.5 and is, well, like a typical 3.5 year old. Delightful at times but also very very testing at times.

I just had her baby brother three days ago. With the sleep deprivation, hormones, and inevitable sibling jealousy I've found DD especially testing recently. But today I am ashamed to say I completely lost it with her.

She has had a bug for a while (nursery plague) and had a pretty high temp earlier this afternoon. I was attempting to give her medicine for it and whilst she's NEVER been the best at taking it, she was steadfastly refusing this time. Screaming, crying, stamping her feet, kicking me whenever the syringe came near, smacking the syringe out of my hand ect. We tried bribery (you can have chocolate if you take this ect), being strict, taking toys away and threatening to only give them back if she took it (which I also feel bad about), but NOTHING was working. After an hour of this I shouted that she was being 'bloody ridiculous' and picked her up and put her on the sofa quite roughly 😞 I didn't throw or slam her but it wasn't particularly gentle. I then continued to shout that she was going to bloody take it wether she wanted to or not, and of course she just screamed.

Eventually I realised that I was dangerously close to losing it completely so walked away to give us both a breather. I was genuinely scared I was going to hit her or be very rough with her (I've never hit her before and don't ever plan to!).

After a breather I just came back, held her down and essentially forced her to take it which is what I should have done in the first place as it was all done in 30 seconds.

Now I'm sitting here in tears because I got so cross with her. She was absolutely fine after the medicine, running around, playing happily and giving me cuddles. I told her mummy was sorry for shouting and getting cross but I still feel horrendous. 😔

Can anyone else relate or am I just a terrible mother? 😔

OP posts:

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GreatCrash · 23/06/2022 18:22

Ah OP don't worry. You have a newborn, you're tired, you were frustrated, you didn't smack her or hurt her, you knew to walk away when things got too bad. We all have days like this!

Whiskeypowers · 23/06/2022 18:24

You are not a terrible mother at all.
Congratulations on your new baby too.

a bad mother doesn’t care about the impact of her behaviour or question herself. Nor does she remove herself to cool down and regroup before trying something different.

Hope she’s better soon

SandyWedges · 23/06/2022 18:27

The main thing to take away here is you stopped yourself, you realised you needed a break from the situation. The key is now to work on realising this sooner. You're full of hormones and I expect sleep deprived so don't be too harsh on yourself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families General parenting

Flockameanie · 23/06/2022 18:28

I've been there and got the t-shirt. Actually a very similar situation, but the baby was 6 months old. It was horrible, but we all survived, kids don’t remember it now and don’t seem scarred by it!

But… for me it was actually a symptom of undiagnosed pnd (and a lot of other stress going on at the time). I struggled to cope for 6 months after DC2 was born and finally lost it. I wish I’d been able to recognise what was going on beforehand. I didn’t even feel able to speak to anyone afterward either. In hindsight it was quite a bleak time.

I guess my point is that if you feel you’re not coping do try to speak to someone IRL. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

LisaSimpson77 · 23/06/2022 18:33

As pp said, you recognised that you'd crossed a line, walked away and came back when you were calmer. You're probably exhausted and stressed and you did the right thing.
I agree that next time just hold her and get the medicine in quickly, if it needs to be taken then just get it over with.

Maray1967 · 23/06/2022 19:27

You’re not a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn’t care less.
Yes, next time just get it down her straightaway but we’re all wise with hindsight.
When my three year old pulled my hair hard when I was trying to get him in the car I did smack him. I never smacked him again and felt awful , but no harm was done.

CottonSock · 23/06/2022 19:29

Well done on getting the medication in her. It's a tough job on your own.

Pegasushaswings · 23/06/2022 19:31

We’ve all been there, they can be very trying! Just go back to her and say “sorry I shouted. Mummy wants you to feel better that’s why I need you to take medicine.” Then have a hug. That always works with my DD.

Georgeskitchen · 23/06/2022 19:46

Been there done that.
Forgive yourself, sounds DD already has 😀

ChocolateHippo · 23/06/2022 20:00

It's good that you realised that you needed to walk away. Just give your DD an extra hug and she won't remember it so long as you generally make her feel safe.

But why are you dealing with this 3 days after giving birth? Are you a single parent? I don't mean to be rude, but unless that's the case, I'm struggling to see why you should be wrangling your DD (and losing it) if there's another parent in the picture.

Hugasauras · 23/06/2022 20:04

Are you a lone parent, OP?

I am 6 days post-partum and also have a 3.5yo, but DH is doing pretty much all the 'chore' stuff with my older DD - meals, dressing, taking her out, taking her to nursery and picking her up, etc. Do you have any support from a partner? Definitely not easy if you are having to juggle two on your own, so cut yourself some slack. You must be knackered!

Rainallnight · 23/06/2022 20:07

I’ve been there too, OP. You stopped yourself and thought about it. DD won’t remember.

toohottoeat · 23/06/2022 20:23

We've all been there OP don't worry - you are dangerously close to the fuckit4s and I gave myself a lot of time outs in those 12 months lest I lose my shit 😂

Whitewolf2 · 23/06/2022 20:34

Unfortunately this is the reality that people don’t talk about all the time, children can be very hard work, even without a baby in the picture. So you’ve stepped away, you’ve said sorry for shouting and explained why it happened. Take it easy on yourself and forget about it. Congrats on your baby!

FusionChefGeoff · 23/06/2022 20:43

I did exactly the same to my poor, beautiful boy who was about 3 at the time and his sister was 4 months. Yelled at full volume that if he didn't leave me alone for one minute I couldn't finish the dinner and he wouldn't get any tea, was that what he wanted, for no-one to be able to eat?!

I was completely out of control and very irrational (as you can tell) and his little shocked / frozen / teary face does still float through my brain at bad moments but, as pp said, he's absolutely fine and I think we have a lovely close bond now (he's 10)

You apologised and feel terrible - that's enough xx

SausageAndCash · 23/06/2022 20:44

I hope a few deep breaths and some calm time have done their job, OP.

Please do not beat yourself up.

As soon as you feel the emotional temperature rising, step back and take stock. Change tack. Go calm and businesslike (as you did when you held her down and got on with it), change the mood to comedy or ‘quiet’ - sometimes I used to suddenly start talking very quietly and secretively to my toddler, he used to lean in to listen. Or just think is it ok to shrug and leave it til later.

Tip for medecines: give them a few Choc buttons BEFORE the syringe goes in. Partly because it coats their mouth in Choc so they don’t get the taste impact, and also they are distracted with the chic buttons. Then a couple more quick as a flash before they realise what has happened.

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby, and a hope a friend or family member can give you some support to have a rest.

Changerazelea · 23/06/2022 20:49

Been there OP.
It helped me a lot when my friend told me that in the animal kingdom through the millennia parents have been challenged by their young!
Don't know why but it did....
Deep breaths and take it one day at a time.

abyssofwoah · 23/06/2022 20:58

I had one of those moments with my 3 year old the other day. Like you, I recognised the point that I was getting too angry and had to walk away and take a breath, calm down, then come back and deal with the situation in a different way. This is a parenting skill in itself if you ask me!

Go easy on yourself, toddlers can be such a challenge and with a baby as well it’s such a tough time.

TiredEyes1991 · 24/06/2022 12:18

Don’t beat yourself up. You aren’t a bad mum or person and your hormones are everywhere.

I will say though, that holding her down and forcing her to take the medication isn’t going to help things next time she needs some. Why not mix it into some flavoured yoghurt or something?

MummyTo2Monsters · 24/06/2022 15:55

OP just the fact that you are here asking if you are a bad mother, crying and feeling guilty about it shows 100% that you area a great mum!

Kids can test you, I know all too well. I have had many times where I would scold or reprimand my kids and hate myself for it afterwards. I even google "How to be a better mother' What hurts me more is that you can scold them now but a min later they ready to cuddle and kiss you. Kids area so forgiving.

Don't beat yourself up, you were trying to make sure your DD takes her meds so she can feel better and that makes you a good mother.

Staynow · 24/06/2022 16:15

I can't imagine a new born and a three year old! I'd be out of my mind! I wonder if hiding the medicine in a yoghurt would work?

YRGAM · 24/06/2022 20:06

You did really well to recognise you were losing control and to get yourself out of the situation before it escalated. That's really hard to do. Children absolutely gate unpredictability and volatile reactions from their caregivers, so it's really important you kept a lid on it for her sake. Well done, please don't beat yourself up

HogDogKetchup · 24/06/2022 20:11

You’re only human OP - you sound like you handled it brilliantly.

Foxglovers · 24/06/2022 20:12

I’ve been there myself and that guilt afterwards is awful. You said you are sorry to her and that’s what counts. You are showing her that when people make a mistake they can apologise - that’s what counts and she can learn from that too.
it’s so hard with a toddler and a baby

User48751490 · 24/06/2022 20:12

My 4yo kicked me, screaming his head off, full blown tantrumming outside of the school whilst waiting on my other DC. I just held him. But the previous day had to keep asking him to walk but he kept throwing himself on to the pavement.

I don't have a small baby and that was all very stressful.

Congratulations on your new baby, but you recognised when you got upset and took a few moments to compose yourself. You survived and your DD will too.

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