Separated issues

[Rach1203]

Ok this maybe a long one and very complicated and my first time posting but here goes….

I have a daughter with previous relationship 13years old we split as parents 13 years ago just after birth. We shared custody all her life

I was in an abusive relationship and finally became free 9 years ago after 3 years of hell I married a decent man 2 years ago met him 6 years ago

he had a relationship which ended 6 years ago and has another child with her and he met and married a new girl just before I married after 3 month relationship it happened faster then I’ve ever known

Fast forward 2 years and our daughter is refusing to even visit dad will no longer share custody and I brought her a phone he pays for the sim contract and his wife put restrictions on it and was tracking her with her email in put into this phone to monitor her, he says it’s because she was acting up and had been not doing chores and had been caught vaping and excluded and he can’t monitor her using android like apple. He refuses to give her pocket money and has never given me a penny, I asked him for the log in to top up a lunch card and he said no and she doesn’t deserve the extra money added to by breakfast baps and she will have to get breakfast at home, she likes to meet with friends and eat breakfast and I don’t see this as an issue, he says she don’t speak to her other sibling and completely ignores them all that end. I see none of the behaviour described also I’ve spoken to the school and they said they shouldn’t say this but she’s been much better and happier in school since living here full time.

I decided to put in a claim for CMS 3 months down the line as my husband being the sole earner as I’m on maternity and we are struggling to pay for the extra travel food clothes etc and all I got was she has to go back and his not paying and I’m in the wrong and should of encouraged her to return and all we both want is money money money. And all this is because he has better expectations like picking her dirty washing up making her bed and she’s so ungrateful and told her if she lives here she’ll never amount to nothing and just be hanging around street corners vaping (I don’t agree with vaping) and how his told her a million times if she plays the game he’ll give her money, I’ve had to buy her a new phone as I can’t get this parental control off from his wife email linked account (any help doing this would be a dream) as they won’t take it off. And how she won’t go back as she’s taking the easy option and the lazy option of not facing responsibility and how she must communicate.

just to add I did try and encourage her and every time they’d have an argument he would just text and say he’ll be bringing this child back as she can’t behave it was a horrible cycle and I would have to drop everything and get home ASAP. She says she don’t want to go back and won’t fully tell me exactly what’s gone on.

am I wrong in now just letting her live here and claiming maintenance?

You might be better asking MNHQ to move this on over to the Relationship section. You'll probably get some advice in there.

Sorry, I don’t understand the time line. Was your ex abusive or was that a different relationship.

Why have you waited 13 years to claim CMS?
What exactly are you asking? What does your daughter want?

That is a very confusing OP, but if I’ve got this right… your 13 y.o. DD has recently refused to stay at her dad’s place due to a number of arguments about his discipline of her. Previously you shared custody 50:50 but now dd is living with you 100% and expect this arrangement will not change so you’d like her dad to pay you maintenance and you therefore put in a CMS claim.

I don’t really understand the part “he is not paying” - isn’t the CMS going to collect the maintenance payments regardless?

Her dad doesn’t sound like he handles the situation well at all - dumping her back on you when there is an argument is a terrible thing to do (parents who are together can’t just dump their annoying teenagers on someone else - they have to work through arguments).

You need to point out to him you agree with many of his points. You dd should do chores, she shouldn’t be vaping, she should make an effort to engage with her dads family and be polite.

many parents would agree that if she doesn’t do her chores, and spends her pocket money on vaping, there is a meaningful consequence - eg she loses pocket money. If she is rude and refuses to follow house rules (eg no vaping, be respectful and talk to the family sometimes) maybe she can’t expect treats like extra money to buy breakfast at school. You and dad need to get on the same page about this. Is she lazy at your house and what do you do about the vaping?

You don’t explain why her dad wants her phone to be tracked. Is he concerned about where she is going and who she is with? Why?

Overall it seems like her dad is letting his frustration with dd get out of control and sending her to your house has pushed her away completely. He needs to rebuild that relationship - you could help by agreeing with him sensible boundaries for her age and maturity.

and meanwhile tell him to stop goading you about the money - that’s pathetic. You are stuck with the costs of caring for her 100%, so he should pay a share.
If or when the situation is resolved and she resumes some nights with her dad, the CMS can be reduced again.

@WhatsInAMolatovMocktail I’ve not claimed CMS before I worked so really didn’t want his money, he was abusive a control freak to the point he made me change how and which hand I hold my fork in, his very demanding one of these everything has to be perfect.

this is an ongoing issue and I have told him he can’t just turn up and he can’t just give up during arguments with her, I know teenage girls can be a handful at times and I have tried setting the same boundaries and punishments if and when he tells me as he doesn’t tell me anything of what’s going on.

my house she does chores everyday she washes up after dinner etc weekends she’ll help a little more. she’s great with her siblings communicating wise.

his wife tracking her as he can’t do it through android and can’t watch her all of the time and only giving her 30min a day on her phone because he see some gas canisters drug things in the ally behind his house and immediately blamed her and she swears she didn’t and certainly wouldn’t be doing stuff like that and that she should we kept an eye on where she goes.

as for the vaping she was punished and had everything taken away phone etc here but then he said I don’t care anymore as long as she don’t do it in school in front of her so his contradicting what I’m trying to implement

she says everytime she tries communicating he always say oh why are you moody or his wife will say she’s got a bad attitude again. She feels she’s not listened too. And the only time she said she was moody is when she got out of the shower and walked into her room to get changed next min his bursted in with her partially dressed screaming at her to pick up her clothes, she said she was going to once dried and dressed as she was on her period and didn’t want to walk down the stairs to the laundry basket

i have agreed with on some points and tried to help but she refused to go there now and says she prefers it here as we all joke about and have a laugh and watch films and she gets a bit of privacy to change etc

the extra money to buy breakfast I asked it had been 6 weeks without her having anything, she doesn’t get lunch as it’s too packed

i assume CMS has contacted him now and this is why I got the message

I just didn’t know if I was in the wrong to be claiming CMS

I don’t think his interested in rebuilding as she was meant to go this Weekend but I received a message yesterday saying his out and when I told her she said that’s ok didn’t want to go anyway, but I can fully tell this isn’t how she feels truly