Feel like a bad mum

[Newmum2127]

I’m just after some insight from others really ...

My Lo is 16 months old, she is great, coming on brilliantly and is just doing everything a child of her age should and going through all the things toddlers usually do ... illness, teething, fighting for independence but having separation anxiety also, being cheeky (in a funny way) and exploring.

I just feel like a Cr** mum sometimes. A colleague recently said she loved her maternity leave and she was sad to be back at work, I felt bad because I really didn’t enjoy my leave, it was so hard, never slept, no help and I was more than ready to get back to work.

I find being a mum hard, sometimes I feel like I have to put it on so my lo can see a happy mum.

I hate the routine of life, I hate the lack of freedom, I hate having no money to spend on myself !

I have a good life, I shouldn’t moan ! I’m very grateful for what I have, I have a great partner and a healthy child but I think I find it hard to seek enjoyment in things ... that must be weird and a serious flaw. I see others enjoying moments with their children and I just usually feel overwhelmed, anxious of time, worried about other things.

As I say, I just feel bad, I love my little girl, I can’t wait for her to be my little side kick when she gets a bit older, but the tantrums, fights for independence but also being stuck to me like glue are so hard.

I wish I could be a happier person for her sometimes, how do I do that ? Why can’t I feel happiness. I’m not saying I’m always down and on the sofa doing nothing, that’s not true at all, but I feel like I just go through the motions of life and am generally not a very positive person which I hate !

The baby days are not for everyone but that doesn't make you a bad mum. It is OK to not enjoy babyhood and it sounds like you are giving your DD the right messages by not letting her see your inner feelings. I think we are programmed to think that we must enjoy the mundane, humdrum-ness of raising babies when, in truth, a lot of people struggle with the drudgery of sleepless nights, no conversation and the constant worry.

Could have written this myself. I also feel really bad because I'm not happy all the time!
Same as you, I try not to put the blame on my son as I know he's just a normal kid but when he's ill or being stubborn or having a screamy day I just want to run away and escape. I get really angry when I hear about other people's kids who are smiley all the time, chilled, sleeping well, eating well and doing what they're told when mine is being a monster. Speaking from experience guilt tripping yourself for not appreciating that she's healthy is not helpful!

Some things I've tried are to write down three things you've enjoyed or felt positive about every day. Also take time for yourself where possible and do things that YOU enjoy. Get rid of Facebook and Instagram or just unfollow everything to do with parenting that just make you feel worse. But also just accept that some people aren't happy, smiley and positive all the time! I've also accessed some free counselling through work, a lot of places offer this so it's worth looking in to x

You're not a crap mum! The woman was saying it through rose tinted memory glasses. It's easy to forget the bad parts when children are older and you're over the thick of it. Not everyone enjoys the same stage I certainly hated the baby stage.

Thanks all, I think talking therapy might be worth a try and I might give writing 3 positives down each day.

I just feel like when I talk to other mums they seem to love it and just be so involved and there child is sleeping and easy and like one of you said, it makes me so resentful, which is a horrible way to be but I’m honestly sick of every one saying (or pretending) that they love every minute of motherhood as it makes me feel weird and bad.

My little girl is lovely but she is going through some seperation anxiety right now and the constant mood swings and refusal to do most things is just draining.

i know I shouldn’t compare, it’s just not helpful, I only have Instagram, I don’t post anything but I do see things others have posted and it is veryyy annoying. So I might delete as it does make you feel rubbish.

i hope I enjoy the years to come, I suppose baby stage is just not my strong point.

i think money worries are stressing me out in the background all the time, no doubt the same way they are For so many others right now.

Its all just a catalyst for feeling fed up and not enough ‘ups’ day to day

I really didn't enjoy being a mum until my second baby was born. My eldest was two then!

My eldest was one of those babies who cried for 8 hours a day. He didn't nap unless I held him. And while it's nice to look back and think about those days sitting on the sofa watching TV, at the time I was fucking miserable. I missed my old carefree life. I found it hard juggling full time work and a toddler. Then of course being pregnant! I had job worries too when I was pregnant with my second.

But when I went on mat leave with my second, I enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, it was hard work with two so young. But my eldest really enjoyed having me home all the time and I found it easier just being a mum for a few months. Without other worries.

My kids are 7 and 9 now and it still has its hard days. It's nice because they enjoy things I do now like swimming, the cinema and meals out etc. Life can be more spontaneous. They are more independent. But at the same time they still need me to do a lot. Eldest is autistic and I'm not sure if that makes it harder. But getting them out to school everyday is hard work.

Just yesterday I was thinking about I'm sick to death of the daily grind of getting myself up and ready for work, then battling to get them ready and out to school. They stay up later in the evenings now and eldest is struggling to sleep between light nights and the heat. So I don't even get time to myself in the evenings. I'm probably autistic myself because I NEED time to myself to recharge other wise I have a bit of a breakdown (which I'm on the verge of about now!). So it's hard not having that time. (I'm on here while I'm meant to be working just to get a break!)

OP my dc's are the classic well behaved, minimal tantrums, slept through the night from 8 weeks, yada yada type kids and I fucking hated the baby years. I was stressed and miserable. Caring for babies is just not my strong point at all. I struggled with nappies, night feeds, waking up at the crack of dawn, weaning, potty training and the fact that babies/toddlers can't articulate what is wrong with them and what they need from you. I barely scraped through every day 😂

My dc's are now 4 and 6 and I think I've really come into my own with parenting. I finally feel like I know what I'm doing and I really enjoy being a mum. Of course I still have shit days where I feel like a total failure of a parent but they are few and far between now.

Get off Instagram, it's all fake and will just make you feel rubbish. You may well find that you enjoy parenting more as your dd gets older. Some people (like me) really struggle with the baby/toddler years. Honestly I think 99% of mums struggle and have shit days/weeks/months/years 😂 but not all of them want to admit it. Which is understandable really, they don't want people to think they can't cope or that they're in some way a bad parent, so they keep their struggles to themselves. Dc's are hard work, at all ages for different and varying reasons. You will find some aspects of parenting that are easy and enjoyable but some that you find really tough. And that's absolutely OK!