Dd not wanting to go to school

[BiscoffSundae]

Posted about this before but need more advice, would you send a child to school if they was extremely distressed and screaming and crying not to go? Since last week my dd who loved school has been refusing to go, she gets to the gate but won’t go in, the receptionist will try to encourage her in but she will refuse she then goes to get her teacher who will try to get her in but the same thing refusing to go, this morning was horrific they carried her in and she was screaming and crying I really don’t want to send her in if she is this distressed but I had an important meeting today. I’ve tried to get to the bottom of what is making her not want to go but she won’t say, all I can see is that this has been since they were asked to make Father’s Day cards at school last week (dds dad is fully absent) she was upset that day when she came out and hasn’t wanted to go since then. She is in reception, would you send a child kicking and screaming? I feel terrible about it today.

I would have a meeting with the teacher to find out what's
going on in the classroom. How was she when she went in? Was she still distressed when she came home?

Can you give her a small 'attachment' item, such as a love heart or a small cuddly toy, so that she can lo

Sorry, finger slipped. So that she can look at it and know that you are thinking of her?

Or can she go a bit earlier, before the other children are in, so she gets quiet time with her teacher?

No I wouldnt have let them carry her bodily in!

How is that going to help her feel safe and secure? All she’s learning is that she has

getting a child to be inside the school building does not equal them learning anything

I would call her in sick tomorrow and spend the day getting to the bottom of the problem, gently.

try playing it out, encourage her to name teddies after her teachers and class mates and play out her fears in the 3rd person. Let there be long pauses while she finds words, no rush!
Kids brains run slower than ours, and a bit of patience goes a long way in getting to the bottom of things.

I would agree that the activity last week about Fathers Day has upset your DD, but she may not be able to articulate that clearly to you. It's quite a complex feeling/situation for a small child to try to understand and explain to someone else. I would also agree with speaking to the teacher about what she's like in class after being so initially upset, and how she was when they were doing the activity. I would also speak to the teacher about how to be inclusive in future for children who have different family situations than 2 (opposite sex) parents at home.

Do you talk to your DD about her emotions? You can get all kinds of resources to help children identify and talk about how they are feeling, if they are unable/unwilling to verbalise it.

Its really difficult but you cant afford to let her sense that if she kicks up enough of a fuss then she wont have to go in.

Explain that everyone has to go to school and you have to take her. Be clear and matter of fact and stick to your resolve.

I remember when I was a child doing this. I knew if I made a really big fuss then my dad would take me home again. I also didnt try it with my mum as I knew she would never take me home again so it wasnt worth trying with her more than a couple of times.

Its a bit of a being cruel to be kind situation. It’s rotten for you though.

Best of luck!

Firstly, no do not let them carry her in.

Secondly, get an urgent meeting and tell school in writing you think this is to do with Father's Day activity - did they make your dd make a card? School have fucked up there, they need a long think.

Thirdly, you may need help to deal with helping her express herself as she is so young, don't pressure her for answers, maybe start a conversation where you explain that when we feel sad it can be scary but she can just find anything blue, bring it to you and you will understand.

She usually loves school and is always excited to go so it is very out of character. I’ve tried to speak to her about it but I can’t get anything out of her she just says “I don’t know”, I don’t want to lead her with questions so I’m trying to be careful with that, she comes out of school ok it’s the initial going in in the morning that she has started to refuse, this morning was awful.

Explain that everyone has to go to school and you have to take her. Well this is a lie so not advisable.

Four/five is too young to answer the questions you're asking. She is answering honestly when she says she doesn't know.

You need to ask school what happened with the activity and you need to help her with the feelings.

She came out of school and said she was asked to do a Father’s Day card, I wasnt happy as her school know I’m a lone parent, she also said she was asked what his favourite colour is, I called the school when I got in, dd was very off and not her usual self. The teacher told me it wasn’t a Father’s Day card it was just a “to someone special” card, but obviously dd is not stupid and overheard the other kids making it for their fathers, she said she was asked what his favourite colour is, her teacher has denied this. Since then she has been upset I don’t know if something has been said to her I believe it has to cause this reaction but I can’t get anything out of her and the teacher is saying she wasn’t asked that. I don’t want to send her when she is so distressed but I don’t know how I can make it better for her.

Perhaps one of the other children asked her about the favourite colour, so possible the teacher didn't hear.

When my youngest has had periods of not wanting to go to school in the morning, I make sure I have plenty of time in the morning so I can spend lots of time with him. I will sit and cuddle him whilst I talk about going to school, and then just listen to him when he says he doesn't want to. We have used emotion faces to help him identify what he's feeling (you can download and print these, or buy them online) and rather than try to solve the feeling, we just empathise and validate the emotion, if that makes sense? An attachment object might help, as a PP poster has said, so you can remind her that if she's feeling sad she can hold it/look at it and remember your conversation.

Do you talk about her father at all with her?

Yes I agree, since coming out that day she keeps drawing pictures of our family with her father in them she will say “do you know who this is, it’s my dad” her teacher referred to her the other day as “being silly” which has bugged me and told her she will get in trouble for pulling on the gate (she wanted to come out the gate) so I don’t think they are very sensitive or understanding

When she came out she said I don’t like her seeing her father, that’s not true and he stopped contact, we have spoken about him a few times but she has never shown any interest in the conversation and never asks me anything about him and doesn’t mention him first, she does know some stuff about him but she kept asking me things like what he likes etc

Tbh it sounds like your DD is starting to realise her family is different to that of some of her friends & is questioning why.
Why were you annoyed by the teacher telling her off if she was doing something she shouldn't be doing?

Because she said she was being silly for not wanting to go in, I don’t think she’s “being silly” I think that’s quite an insensitive comment to an upset child, calling them silly? also the pulling on the gate it was a huge metal gate no way could she do any damage to it she was crying and trying to get it open, why tell a child they will get into trouble for trying to come out she can’t damage the gate.

Also where did I say annoyed I said her calling her silly “bugged me” because I thought it was insensitive she’s upset she’s not being silly to be upset

It sounds to me like the teacher was trying, clumsily, to reason with your DD to get her into the classroom. It's not a great response to your DD's upset and I agree that this particular teacher (school?) haven't handled it well so far.

I would concentrate on what you want them to do going forwards at this point, and what you can do at home to reassure your DD.

It wasn’t that she annoyed me the comment just seemed a bit off, she was crying and upset also she was trying to come out of the gate as it was locked and they wouldn’t open it and I was on the other side (can’t open it from the outside) so she told her the care taker would tell her off, I do think that’s not the best thing to say to an upset child she can’t damage the gate, she wanted to come out but they wouldn’t let her.

Think about this practically, if she doesn't go what is the alternative? Are you home all day to look after her? Also think about what message this sends to her. What do you think will happen in September? What you do think she will start doing when she realises all she has to do is cry to get out of doing things she doesn't want to do?

I think this is one of these where you need to push through for the best outcome longer term.

Have you actually sat down with your DC and had a proper conversation with her about her dad? This seems like it is the real issue here. You need to start having that proper conversation.

Also have a proper conversation with her about school. My 9YO DS is autistic and he never wants to go to school. But we have the same conversation every morning about how there things we don't like but we must do. I'm honest with him that I don't want to work but there are consequences if I don't. And it's the same for him and school.

I would do some reading up about play therapy techniques and invest in a book called ‘how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk’

my daughter is also growing up without a dad

As did I.

it’s not a big deal to me, I think kids with in/out/in/out fathers have a much worse time of it.

you need to furnish her with the resilience to deal with the life she has. Stop avoiding the issue because she clearly is thinking about it even if she doesn’t feel like she can raise it

I would start by making up a family tree and populating it with the people who are in her life, blood family, close friends. Visualise her social world for her and show her what she does have

growing up with an entirely absent father doesn’t have to be a tragedy if you don’t frame it that way.
My now 10yo has no interest in the man who disappeared from her life and takes the attitude that she’s never needed him before so clearly doesn’t!
i don’t see that as a sad thing I see that as a healthy response to the reality of her life circumstance

I had this with my son. I did take him kicking and screaming. We then bought him in slightly later, not late for school but so he would likely be the last into school. The TA would then stay with him and calm him down and he'd then go in. I don't really know how bad he was when I went but he would be fairly hysterical and sometimes angry when I left. The school would text me or ring me to let me know he had settled. I think for him a lot of it was the build up to getting to school. So I would distract him on the walk by talking about anything but school. I also would ask him how school was a pick up but then leave it. It did gradually improve. I was worried that half term and holidays would make it worse but luckily they didn't and once he returned to school after the Christmas holidays he was fine. I still now a year later avoid talking about school before we go in and I usually talk about what fun things we'll do after school.
I actually as a child used to cry in the mornings before school when I was in year one. I think it was right at the beginning of the year after the summer holidays. I used to cry so much that I got taken into the classroom early. I used to help the teacher with some odd jobs, which I guess distracted me and then I was allowed to sit on the teachers lap whilst she took the register! I'm not sure sitting on the teachers lap would be allowed now but perhaps going in a little bit early and being the teachers helper might help calm and distract her?

I should have said get to the bottom of why first but hopefully I might have given some ideas to.distract her, and it shouldn't take as long as my son did as he wasn't doing it for any reason other than wanting to be at home with me!

The school is handling this very poorly. I'd escalate to headteacher and say you need a meeting to get it sorted.

Your instincts around telling off and comment about being silly are correct.

Could it be that once you're gone she's absolutely fine and sounds like she has been all year, so though the being silly comment wasn't particularly useful, maybe they're thinking that actually she's more than fine at school and she's creating a fuss when she's fine? If that makes sense? Would also explain why the teacher hasn't had to speak to you further about it as she's been fine in school?