Feeling ignored by kids when they come back from ex

[MarissaE]

Hi,

I am just looking for some support really on how to cope with the feelings I have since separating and trying to co-parent with my ex.
My kids, 14, and 12, spend every other weekend at his. When they are there, they seem to not make plans with their friends (he lives 10 mins away so same area), not facetime their friends in the evening and basically spend all their time together with him watching movies, cooking, playing tennis, cycling etc.

I probably am going to sound really selfish, but I just feel really sad when they come home and go straight to their rooms and shut themselves away again, call their friends all evening every evening and spend pretty much all of their time in their rooms. I know they need lots of space at their ages and I don't want to demand they spend time with me, but if I suggested going out for a cycle ride or cooking together etc, it would be a no. And they would rather be in their rooms doing their own stuff.

It almost feels like they go on holiday to my ex's house and do all the good stuff with him and then come home and shut away and catch up on all they have missed with friends etc. On the weekends with me they rarely want to do anything except see or speak to friends.

I very much respect my children's alone time and space, as well as their relationship with their dad and generally we are really close and get along well.

I don't want to show them that I feel ignored or unappreciated but I really do. All I do while they are gone is clean and tidy the house for when they get back.
I just feel so tearful today and am trying not to let it show. But I feel that my ex's reward for walking out on us, is to get all the quality time with the kids while I do all the hard work and have little money to entertain them.

He didn't see them much last summer at all because he was too busy with his new girlfriend a few months after we had split. I have them all school holidays so far, but I struggle to afford to do things and I struggle to get them to want to. They automatically do things with their dad and put everything else aside and I don't get the quality time anymore. He is also taking them to visit his family in his country and I can't ever afford to take them away. I feel really lost and depressed but want to be happy around my kids.

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance. From a lonely mum.

I would talk to them. Tell them that you live seeing them happy with their social lives but you miss seeing them and ask them if they would like to organise a family time activity every other weekend, give them some choices.

Your husbands need to do his share of school holidays too.

Find things for you to enjoy when your kids are away.

You have my complete sympathy. My ex walked out on me when my kids were tiny. He didn’t see them regularly until they got older and he began to stick to an every other weekend routine. They think very highly of him, have more respect for him and his wife, and seem to go to great trouble to please him. I wonder if a part of that comes from some deep routed fear of being abandoned by him.

As the parent with ‘care’ we are their constant and end up doing the discipline and homework ‘nagging’ whilst the other parent gets to have a fun filled weekend. It really sucks, especially if you make a big effort to try and do stuff with them.

If it’s any consolation, my other children with DH spend all their time chatting in their rooms with their friends or on the Xbox, it seems the regular norm with teens. I’m sure whilst at home your kids just feel comfortable that they can do their thing and they don’t have to put in any effort to be with you.