Newborn can only be settled by her dad

[iloveorange]

Hello!

So... my newborn daughter (6 weeks) seems to prefer her dad over me. He is on parental leave alongside me, and has done a lot of the soothing, settling and holding, which is amazing! She's very heavy and very unsettled, so I can't physically cope with carrying her around for long stretches of time (we're talking hours here). My DH is also able to bounce her vigorously (but safely), which I don't feel as comfortable doing due to lack of strength, and my DD seems to enjoy being rocked in that way. I used to put her in the carrier to sleep and bounce (vigorously) on a birth ball while holding her head for about 10 minutes, but with the current heat wave that sounds unbearable for both of us!

Now we're in a situation where she will cry and cry and no matter what I do she will not stop. Then DH comes to the rescue and she goes quiet! That'd be fine if it weren't for the fact that:

1. DH is extremely tired and not getting any sleep as he's the sole soother now. He's not complaining, but I know this is unsustainable
2. DH will be going back to work in a few weeks!

I'm also not able to breastfeed her because supply is low and she just doesn't like the breast most of the time, so she'll be fussy 9/10 feeds. We're mostly formula feeding her now, but I still have milk so I don't know if the smell of it is making her anxious.

Had anyone been in such a situation? Is there a way we can turn things around? i suggested sticking to my guns and 'forcing' her to stay with me until she gets used to it, but DH doesn't want her to cry (he struggles with her crying more than I do).

Have you tried a sling?
Put her in the Pram and rock the pram.

He’s making a rod for his own back, and yours essentially, as he has to go back to work eventually. If breastfeeding isn’t working out for you, obviously you will stop smelling of milk eventually. It sounds like you have a bit of a DH problem here- he needs to understand it will be ten times worse for you if she doesn’t learn to accept both of your techniques.
Good luck.

When you say he soothes her do you mean he is rocking her to sleep? Or calming her down before a feed? Or something else?

Are you sure it's not that she's hungry? If you smell of milk she'll cry and his bouncing will work as a distraction but not solve the underlying problem. What happens when he stops rocking?

My DD cries/screams a lot (and loudly!), I'd say more than 'the average baby', even though I'm a FTM and can't compare. She does meet a lot of the high needs baby criteria, and doctors have checked her and there's apparently nothing medically wrong with her.

Sometimes she cries because she's hungry, dirty (or wet) or gassy, and that's obvious to us. More often though, she cries even after her basic needs have been met (e.g. she's fed, changed, winded and played with, and then starts crying) and we don't know why, so both DH and I try all sorts of things to calm her down and THEN hold her until she falls asleep (she's mostly a catnapper during daytime though, so sleep is rarely deep).

I'm now really struggling to calm her down in the first place: just earlier today I chanhef her nappy (after she'd been fed) and she was happy as a clam, smiling, interacting with me, etc. while still on the changing table, then all of a sudden she starts screaming and I could not calm her even while holding her, eocking, bouncing on ball, nothing would work, then DH came in, held her for a few seconds, bounced her a couple of times and she went quiet.

So you have a medical condition which makes your 6 week old feel "heavy"

What about an electric rocker type thing although they are supposed to only be in those a couple of hours?

Does she settle if you walk her in the pram?

She might be used to the smell of DH by now. get a T shirt that he has slept in, don't wash it & hold it near her as you are comforting her.

If she isn't too big, swaddle her to sleep because the wrapping will make her feel cosy as if she is being held. And put the DH t-shirt flat on the cot before you lie her down to keep the smell.

It sounds pretty normal colic really, we used to have to walk up and down the garden path or stairs to get our child to settle. She outgrew it eventually!

That’s tough OP. I would suggest your DP going out for a few hours now and then and leaving you with the baby. Babies can sense when their favourite soother is in the house. This will give baby a chance to learn you are just as good at soothing. It would be better to do these dry runs of a few hours at a time rather than wait until he’s suddenly gone all day at work.

6 weeks is the absolute peak of unsettled behaviour. When exactly does he go back to work? You may find things have settled a bit by then.

The pram stopped working after 2 weeks! She will sleep there if you put her in it while she's sleeping, but she rarely falls asleep in it, and if she wakes up in the pram she will stay awake - either chilling or screaming.

The sling/carrier used to work fairly well provided she was rocked in it for a while (putting her in it and getting on with your day has never been a thing), but now (maybe due to the heat) it doesn't work anymore.

Oh, and she's probably about 5.5kg by now, possibly more. Not incredibly heavy, but I'm quite unfit thanks to rough pregnancy and previous shoulder injury, was not able to workout for the last year, so carrying her around for ling stretches of time is tough. She's also very wriggly, so it's not like she stays put over your shoulder and that's it!

DH works from home so he's technically going to still be there with us, but of course he needs to get things done, be on calls, etc!

He's back to work in 4 weeks

Really hoping she'll be more settled by then, but who knows

Have you tried swaddling her I get it might be hot where you are but you can do it with a sheet it might make her feel secure and rock her in the pram your dh might need to stop his vigorous rocking and go a bit gentler because he will need to go back to work eventually leaving you with her,

She sounds like my DS, who was a very high needs newborn. It was really tough - you have my sympathy. Things had got better by 10 weeks, in that the crying and screaming had subsided…but DS still needed an awful lot of external help to settle at that stage, self soothing was still a very long way off. I’d recommend trying to persevere with the sling or carrier. You might not want to hear this, but my DS would only settle if I walked round outside (he never just settled in the sling while I was doing chores or relaxing). It was an excellent way to get back to my pre pregnancy fitness level though.

When your baby is crying and won't settle with you, try winding her some more. Sounds like it could be gripe pains, and the energy your dp puts into rocking may actually be winding her unknowingly. Don't give up, get your dp to take a step back and let you soothe her. My dd had nasty colic and we were always winding her, even during cuddles. It improved after 8 weeks and her temperament improved too, she rarely cried after the colic stopped and she slept more easily too.

Hi! Just an update on this - not that things have improved :(

DH has ceased with the vigorous rocking and bouncing and now does it more gently - but DD still prefers him over me when it comes to soothing, big time. She will be happy with me when it's play time or is feeding/hanging out in her bouncer, she's all smiles and giggles, which I love, but the moment she becomes upset (which happens very often), she'll go hysterical and it takes me forever to calm her down whereas DH will take her in his arms and she'll stop crying within seconds or a minute max.

Yesterday we were left alone for 3 (very long) hours as DH had to run some errands. She cried for about 15-20 minutes before she settled by being sung to, bounced on the birth ball AND patted rhythmically on the back. All at the same time. Then I decided that after feeding her we'd go to the park across the road for a walk in the pram, and she was awake but calm for the first 10-15 minutes, then she started screaming and again I could not calm her down. She screamed for a good 10-15 minutes, holding her or leaving her in the pram made absolutely no difference. It didn't help that every single time I go outside and she cries people approach me (without fail) offering their help or (unwanted) advice, or just asking what's wrong with her. Other people just stare at me with disapproving looks. The other day I even had a woman yell at me from her window as I was walking past her house with baby screaming in the carrier! I know she's loud and that her crying is distressing to listen to (it does sound like she's being tortured), but people staring at me doesn't help.

DD finally stopped crying once we made it back home and were back on that damn birthing ball, she then fell asleep on me.

I suppose this is just a phase and it will pass, but it is getting to me. I'm also hoping it passes before DH returns to work, otherwise we are both screwed (he WFH).