At my wits end with my toddler

[ChickenBurgers]

Basically just that. I actually said out loud to my partner today that I regret having him (I don’t, not really, I’m just so exhausted with the constant uphill battle every single thing in his life is and that nothing I do or say seems to help or make any lasting difference).

He’s 2 in a few weeks. He’s my middle child who we waited a long time for following unexplained secondary infertility. My eldest DS is 7 in a few weeks. I had the usual things with eldest as a toddler; tantrums, attitude, odd sleepless nights when ill or if he’d had a nightmare, and whilst I didn’t always find it easy I never felt like I was completely floundering like I am now with my middle child. My eldest is currently going through the process to hopefully get an assessment for ADHD; so he used to wear me out in that he was constantly on the move, but his behaviour overall was manageable. The total opposite to my middle.

Everything is an uphill battle for him. It always has been. He wasn’t an easygoing baby - he’d scream for hours every single evening no matter what I did, screamed the second he was put in the car seat until he got out again until he was 1, screamed the second he was put down, screamed on his tummy, just screamed constantly. Nothing underlying that I’m aware of. I’d hoped things would get better as he gets older but there doesn’t seem to be any signs of this happening yet. We had another baby recently too. It’s hard to say whether having another baby has made this worse or not (youngest is 5 months now, so middle was 17 months), it probably hasn’t helped per say but he’s always been hard work so I wouldn’t say it’s made it any worse as it’s always been pretty hard.

He has tantrum after tantrum after tantrum daily. He did go through a phase of flinging himself backwards from a stood upright position which thankfully he has stopped, but still has a tendency to launch himself to the floor and then scream harder cos he’s in pain. His scream is nothing like I’ve ever heard before, he will scream until he is sick if left to it and it doesn’t take long before the coughing and gagging starts. Sleep will be good for a week or two and then we go back to either screaming murder at bedtime or screaming murder at 3am for no apparant reason. Every single slight inconvenience descends into total chaos meltdown every single time. I try and distract before a tantrum hits but it rarely works. I try to ignore but he just screams harder and harder. I try to cuddle him when he’s having a tantrum and I usually just get pummelled in return. I end up shouting ag times which doesn’t do anything, I know it doesn’t, but it gets to the point where I just feel hopeless.

He is also a relatively sickly child. He ended up in hospital for dehydration last week from a tummy bug. He had periorbital cellulitis over Easter. He had chickenpox in March and compared to my eldest and youngest who coped well with it, had a high temp for 4 days, didn’t sleep and didn’t eat and basically screamed for 4 days straight. He’s had bronchiolitis twice this year, one of which resulted in an a and e visit due to recessive breathing. He’s had two stomach bugs in the last two months. My eldest had regular colds and was prone to croup, but nothing like my middle.

I’m so exhausted. I don’t see an end in sight. Every time I think his behaviour will get better, it doesn’t. I don’t really know what the point of this post is, I just needed to vent anonymously.

Are you sure there isn't something behind it? Repeated illness etc, suffering with things more than the others, maybe worth checking more isn't going on.

My daughter is 2 in a few months, and oh boy so we know about it she's defiantly hit the two's early she will throw tantrum after tantrum over the slightest thing. She will also scream at the top of her lungs to. She was a great baby barley cried, slept through the night early on but now it's a constant up hill battle I do think it's they age thing I believe they go through a massive developmental leap at this age but I agree it is hard. My daughter will head but everything and anything, she'll lay on the floor and scream at the top of her lungs and kick her feet on the floor.

If your little one is constantly poorly I'd perhaps ask the Dr to do further test and see if he is lacking something.

💛

I would push for scans. A friend of ours had similar problems and their littleone was diagnosed with liver cancer:( If they didn't push and push, the NHS just kept sending them home with paracetamol. Wait and see... isn't that their motto?

I have asked the drs before about running tests on him because he’s ill all the time, typically they refused and blamed lockdown and said he’s a lockdown baby is what it is. I gather that there is some element of truth in this, but to this extreme? Hes been at nursery for over a year now and the longest he’s gone in that time without a “serious” illness is 6 weeks. Otherwise it’s pretty much weekly. I am going to get onto them again though.

he’s up screaming yet again just now. I have crohns which has been playing up so I’m tired anyway, but it’s not helped with being up and down to him half the night. My 5 month old is more often that not a better sleeper than him!

Sorry I’m ranting again. Thank you all 💖

Get them to do their jobs and refer you to do all the tests. It really is unbelievable how much you have to fight to get any kind of diagnosis when it's not something broken, or something they can see. The moment they have to investigate... boy oh boy, it's like you are asking them to give you money or something.

I'm feeling exactly the same! Mine is 2 in a couple of months and every day with him is relentless. He cries all day. My first was just a lovely toddler - I was sitting there watching videos of him at almost two and crying the other day because he was so fun and sweet. He would do coloring and take walks and help me in the kitchen. I don't really have videos of number 2 - by the time I pick up my phone he's screaming again! He has huge tantrums and just generally isn't pleased with life. I give him lots of attention and love but he is just so emotionally draining.

Oh, and he wakes every 2 hours all night.

Similar problems with sickness though his have been more generic - constant fevers, coughs and vomiting bugs. He's also at nursery and I know they are like little germ factories but still... I work part time and have had to miss some hours every other week due to his illnesses.

I really feel for you. I cannot imagine having another baby to take care of right now. I can't get anything done with my youngest around - he's 100% against anything I want to do. I am so tired and worn out. He had a check up not long ago and they had no concerns about him. All illnesses seem to be garden variety childhood things.

I said to my partner today, 'we keep saying it'll get better soon. What if it keeps getting worse?' I'm losing hope!

@Tyrellius it hasn’t changed much since I got my diagnosis back in 2011 sadly. The first GP we saw said exactly that to my mum, wait and see. She took me back a week later when things got worse, saw a better GP who referred us straight up the hospital after seeing my blood test results. Then the hospital consultant acted like we were wasting his time, asking my mum in front of me if she was sure I wasn’t just being a lazy teenager and basically lying. Wasn’t until we were referred to a bigger hospital with a whole childrens hospital attached things were taken more seriously. Unbelievable really. I’m so sorry about your friends little boy.

@Dogroses I’m so sorry you’re in the same position as us. You feel exactly the same as me, my partner thinks things will get better when he can communicate better, but his speech is slowly coming along and yet his general demeanour has remained exactly the same. What if things don’t get better? I really hope for your sake and ours that things will get better and they’re just those kids who hate being baby’s/toddlers.

Can dad come with you to the GP appointment? Or if it's likely to be a phone consultation, can he do it/both of you on speakerphone? It's not right, but sometimes people seem to take concerns more seriously that way, when it can't be dismissed as 'just an anxious mother'.

Have nursery said anything about his behaviour there? It might be worth asking them for their impressions, as they see such a wide range of children.

@skkyelark I will speak to him about coming definitely.

Nursery has said that he doesn’t have many tantrums, but when he does he really does go for it. This mirrors how tantrums go at home, just they appear to be a lot more frequent at home. They have said he very much knows his own mind and will be “very vocal” when he doesn’t like something, which is a diplomatic way of saying he screams the place down. But they don’t appear concerned and have never voiced concerns to me. It’s definitely more of a home issue imo, others see and experience the behaviour (eg grandparents) but rarely to the extremes we do which just means it’s probably something I’ve done, but I don’t know how to change this as nothing seems to help. I feel broken and honestly a bit of a failure.

Mine is very good at nursery too - no tantrums. He also talks a lot and knows a lot of words. He's very capable of saying 'no! Shoes off. I don't like it.' Or 'don't want this one! Want that one!' Or'no read mama. No book. No tea.' 😂 he can basically tall me everything he doesn't like in no uncertain terms.

@Dogroses ah see my middles speech is definitely on the slower side, it is getting better but he cannot form simple sentences and whilst he can copy things like “drink” “food” and so on, he doesn’t yet say these when he wants them if that makes sense. Total opposite to my eldest whose speech was absolutely amazing from a very young age. I really don’t think it’s a speech issue like my other half thinks unfortunately, but I may be wrong!

Just because you see it more at home doesn't mean it's anything you've done – if a child is trying really, really hard to (mostly) do what they're supposed to when they're at nursery, with grandparents, etc., they can just have nothing left when they get home, so it all falls apart then. Then too, it can be that home is his safe place and you're his safe people, so he, um, expresses himself more readily at home. So perversely, the fact that he's worse at home can actually mean that you've done something right – that he knows he's safe and loved at home no matter what.

That said, his speech does sound on the slower side, and that almost certainly won't be helping. How's his understanding of what you say? His nonverbal communication (gestures, use of eye contact and facial expressions, etc. to get his point across)? How would he tell you that he wanted something to eat or drink or wanted to go out into the garden? That he'd seen something exciting (a dog, a lorry, whatever)?

@skkyelark thats reassuring thank you. I hope this is what it is rather than it being something I’ve done wrong.

It’s getting better, he can show me several body parts when prompted, shows me where he puts his shoes, socks, hat and nappy if I ask. For telling me he wants something he tends to point in the general direction - so for example for a drink he’ll stand at the fridge or the cupboard where the squash is kept, but then will whinge or even scream until I’ve done it even though I’ve responded straight away and I verbalise what I’m doing (oh you want a drink, okay I’m just grabbing your cup, just pouring it out for you etc). He does make eye contact, but then he also completely ignores and blanks people at times and avoids looking at them. He sometimes points out things on walks like he’ll go “ooo” or occasionally “sat” (what’s that). His favourite is pointing out cars going “car car”, but if he’s walking he’ll stop to a complete standstill until they’ve completely driven away. He often points out the park on the walk to nursery and goes “oooo”. Probably going to sound stupid but I’m not sure whether he’s “good” at recognising facial expressions, I guess it’s not something I really thought of. I’ll test the waters with him tomorrow. With my eldest around this age if I said can you do a sad/happy/angry face he’d be able to show me, whereas I’m not sure he’d be able to.

Sorry, I actually was asking about whether he makes facial expressions as part of his nonverbal communication, not whether he can interpret others or can associate the face with the emotion. Do you think he knows what ‘drink’
or ‘food’ (or the name of one of his favourite foods) mean, or is he just repeating the sounds you say?

It sounds like he finds the world terribly hard work, and has since he was a tiny baby. I think between that and the slower speech/understanding, I would want a few checks just to see if there’s anything else going on. Perhaps a hearing test, particularly as he’s often poorly – in many areas you can self-refer. Something like glue ear can make developing speech and understanding really tricky because they can hear some sounds and not others.

Is he due a development review with the health visitor soon, and is your health visitor any good? I’m aware different places do the toddler check anywhere between 2-2.5 years. If it’s not due soon or you’ve not had much luck with your health visitor, you can get the questionnaires online, and if anything looks concerning, then you can use that to help get your GP or health visitor’s attention. This is the broad one for 24 months: https://portsmouth.tricare.mil/Portals/130/24%20month%20asq.pdf (and for 22 months, as he’s at the beginning of the age range for the 24 months, so it wouldn’t be surprising if he weren’t quite there yet with everything: https://www.lakepediatrics.org/docs/ASQ%2021-22%20months.pdf), and this is one that focuses on social-emotional stuff: http://www.delnortekids.org/uploads/8/2/8/1/82819108/asqse-2_24_mo_set_b.pdf, if you wanted to have a look.

Ah sorry I see what you mean. He definitely does happy faces and laughing, he’s got an infectious laugh bless him. He’ll mimic a shocked face if I do one, often accompanied with “uh oh” or “oh dear”. I’d say he recognises some of his fave foods, like if I say “would you like a yoghurt” he’ll go “yog yog” and run to the kitchen. He can say snack (gnack) and knows where the snacks are kept and if ask if he wants a snack he’s straight off to the kitchen to show me what he wants. If I say it’s lunch or dinner time he’ll toddle over to the high chair. He’ll go and find his shoes if I say let’s get your shoes on. Of an evening I say let’s go find your cot and he takes me there. He knows where his nappy goes and shows me, but generally runs in the opposite direction for nappy changes but I think that’s cos he just doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to get it done 😂 So I think he understands some things definitely. But there’s also loads he doesn’t just seem to grasp, like if it’s not a favourite food he gives me a blank stare. So if I were to say shall we have an apple he just wouldn’t respond, but whether that’s him just ignoring me cos he doesn’t like apples much or because he doesn’t get it, I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to understand that HE is C either, so I’ll say “where’s C” or “point to C” and he just doesn’t get it.

He definitely does seem to find life just hard. Which is awful to be frank. I find a lot of aspects of life hard, so many things just don’t come naturally to me and I’d never want my kids to feel this way because it’s outright miserable at times. I’ve actually managed to get a drs appointment this month to talk about the fact he’s always unwell which is positive. I did an online referral and basically said he’s constantly ill which actually reflects my childhood and I ended up having Crohn’s disease. Whilst I don’t think he has crohns (at least at this stage), I do think my constant issues with illness I had as a young child were almost a precursor that something wasn’t right and May ring true for him too.

From the mums I know they’ve been having them a month or toe after they turn 2. I do have a HV, but she doesn’t seem to do the standard checks they seem to be given to anyone so who knows who will do the review. He’s actually 2 in less than 2 weeks, so I’d expect him to be able to do most of the stuff on the questionnaire so I’ll have a look now.

Thank you so much by the way, it really helps to talk everything through with someone.

So I’ve just done the Portsmouth questionnaire (just roughly as he’s asleep so purely based on my knowledge of his abilities) and he gets pretty much all yes’s in fine motor and problem solving, but 3 no’s in gross motor, 3 no’s in communication and only 1 yes in personal social. I’m going to do it properly with him when he’s awake as he may surprise me, stranger things have happened! I’m pretty sure this is the questionnaire we’ll get for his review, or something similar, but it’s good to get eyes on it now.

Mine was like this. Turned out she had enlarged adenoids & tonsils causing sleep apnoea since birth, which explains why she also never slept through as well as taking hours to fall asleep and it being a trial every nap and bedtime.

She wasn’t diagnosed til age 5 and then covid meant no op; but she grew out of it as her breathing tubes (can’t remember the name, not a dr!) got bigger and the adenoids shrunk. However despite not having an op, being on the waiting list for 2 years til it wasn’t even necessary, it was wonderful finally having an answer. Of course she screamed every time I set her down, her tonsils and adenoids meant she couldn’t breathe properly. Of course she was grouchy, she never- in her whole life, until the age of 7- had a good night’s sleep as her sleep apnoea woke her before she could get into a deep sleep stage.

She was a hellish hard work baby & toddler. She used to have screaming, vomiting, head-banging tantrums. She got sick often because her immune system was compromised from chronic sleep issues. Her growth is on the low end because growth happens during sleep. But she’s now a wonderful, loving, creative,
patient and confident kid. I could not hope for better, she’s helpful, kind and all around just a lovely little person.

It might be medical. It might not. But they won’t be like this forever, they really won’t.

OP I'm really sorry you're going through this. I also have a 2yr old and overall he is a good toddler. He does have his moments when he refuses to eat or get into his pj's or out of the bath.
I know screen time is frowned upon especially at that age but I have to tell you I found that his tablet has been a really good distraction. I downloaded a few age appropriate educational games that he really enjoys. It really helps when I am trying to feed him. He doesn't even realize he is taking a bite. He has a few mins of tablet time, tv time and then playtime but it really has helped him learn new words, he can count up to 10, learnt colors and his abc's .

I'm glad you are getting him checked for his health, but for tantrums and calming time maybe a tablet with some fun games on a time limit can help when you just need those few moments to breathe. Also maybe try painting, play dough, coloring, not sure if that would help, but I've found the more you distract them the less they have time for tantrums.

Good luck, and you are not a bad mum, these kids can be little monsters at time!

@Chattycathydoll I’m so sorry your daughter had such a tough time. It must of been a nightmare for you and her. I’m so glad she’s come out of the other side of it and is thriving now as a result! I’m definitely going to explore the medical side of things with my son, especially given my history But even if it’s not medical at all, you’ve given me hope that it won’t always be this bad.

@MummyTo2Monsters its so hard isn’t it. His eating at the moment is actually quite good, he goes in real peaks and troughs as to whether he will eat or not. but I’m definitely going to look into some apps for the iPad for him regardless.

For his birthday we’ve actually got some new play dough and some of those mess free colouring pens for him - I definitely need to make sure I utilise activities like this more as he actually entertains himself for ages doing things like this! This is one way he’s actually easier than my eldest, my eldest even now at almost 7 will NOT play or do an activity unless I’m right there constantly bringing him back to it. He just doesn’t have the attention span. Whereas my toddler actually will happily do these activities and I forget sometimes I have these at my disposal! Thank you for the advice!

I’m sorry you’re going through it! It’s rubbish regardless of the reason why. Might sound weird but the mantra that got me through it was ‘all I can do is control my own behaviour’.

I cannot make her sleep. I can’t stop her screaming. I can’t make her stop banging her head on whatever is nearby. But what I can do is breathe, and try to be a calming presence for her to gravitate toward. I can offer hugs. I can stand back if they make things worse. I can wait for her to calm down, then talk about her feelings & what caused the tantrum. I can give calm consequences for misbehaviour when she’s old enough to understand them. Just thinking about the aspects I could control made me feel more in control and less overwhelmed!

And I think that helped ground her too. Nowadays she thanks me for helping her calm down (even though I say she doesn’t need to, it’s my job!) and says I’m the best Mummy ever for how I always look after her (again, it’s my job!) and our closeness stems in part, I think, from the bond that developed then. By her seeing that no matter what, no matter how overwhelmed or worked up she was, I would be her same loving mum.

You can get through this and the other side is so so lovely.

@Chattycathydoll i definitely need to remember that mantra. I do my absolute best to keep calm, it’s usually if it’s been a particularly bad day or a good few hours into the night when I lose my cool. But it doesn’t help anyone and only reflects that it’s okay to shout when you’re angry or upset. I think you’re definitely right about gaining control in other areas - I feel overwhelmed because I can’t stop his behaviour and I feel like I should be able to. I know in reality it doesn’t work like that though and focusing on things I can control I think will definitely help.

thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it!! He’s such a lovely little boy really, just so intense. It’s like he feels everything so deeply, which is hard when he’s sad or angry but so lovely to see when he’s happy or excited bless him.