Can someone help me help me understand my 3yo's behaviour when playing - NOT SEN

[Return2thebasic]

I'm not sure if this is the residue of the Terrible Two. I found playing with DS2 often turns me away from trying anything with him.

• Can't do anything involving counting with him, as he would make sure deliberately skip numbers, e.g. 1, 2, 7 even though he IS CAPABLE of counting to 10.

• Can't do building blocks with him, as he just watches me building anything ignoring my invitation for him to do it.

• I got a sandbox for him. He seemed really excited the first time seeing it and did play for about half an hour. But since then, he seems to have lost interest quickly. I thought at this age, they'd be happy just dig the sand here and there. But he didn't seem to be bothered with digging sand at all.The second time when I took it out, he barely played for more than 10 minutes.Then never asked for it again.

• Can't play card games with him. It's not he doesn't understand the simple rules of playing (like memory game or snap). He just seems to not wan to follow the rules and rather not play it at all.

• Tried Grapat loose parts. He genuinely seems not knowing what to do with them. He has no interest in colour sorting or parts stacking.

• Puzzle playing is also another challenge. He usually loses interest within 1 minute and requests to pack it away, if I didn't insist helping him to do it.

I don't know if it's a development thing, or confidence thing (hesitant to try by himself???), or anything else. He seems to be on the bright side. He just turned 3, but can speak fluently with barely any grammar mistake like a 4 years old. But he has little interest in learning numbers properly (did display a couple of weeks flash passion for numbers about 2 months ago). He can't recognise letters yet (except A and N) even though he seemed to be willing to know more.

He spends 4 mornings in the nursery. I spend every afternoon with him alone and the entire Fridays. I would love to use the time well and play more together. But I do feel a bit discouraged at the moment. - I took a Melissa & Doug Take-Along Tool Kit out for him this week when he couldn't go to nursery because of tummy bug. I played in front of him for 10 minutes and he only said they have the toolbox in the nursery but not the nuts and bolts. Then he requested me to put it away...

Do these behaviours seem familiar to anyone? Any theory can be suggested to explain this?

@AliceW89

"Assuming he’s only recently 3 (as you mention hangover from the terrible twos) I think you may be expecting too much. Interactive, back and forward play is developmentally quite sophisticated. He’s probably capable of playing independently or watching you play but not combining the two quite yet."

Thank you. I did wonder this. But not something that I could be sure. It's reassuring to know one day we CAN play together!

Play really works best when it’s child-led. Put some stuff out and see what he gets involved in.

or as people say, get outside. When my DS was that age; we spent most of our time looking for and at sticks. It was what he was into so I got into it with him.

Maybe you should look up “child led play”.

Mine is the same if I try to play number and puzzle games or basically any games with rules. She couldn’t care less about that sort of thing and can’t see the point. It’s extremely boring to her. She will happily play make believe games, running around games and loves all messy and sensory play. It’s not what I’d prefer at all as make believe etc is super boring to me, but I’m pretty sure it is normal for a 3 year old!

She does also love trying to help with grown up tasks like chopping food or sorting the washing, though obviously she is a hindrance not a help.

There is plenty of time for numbers and puzzles and rules later.

Well presumably the child's nursery has not raised any concerns in that direction.

You make it sounds like the OP is in denial.

@lifeturnsonadime , didn't mean anything in a negative way. Just as the title stands, it easily appears to do with SEN if not made clear.

My older one might have ADHD issue. But DS2 seems to be fine (I can only say at this age).

Do you read to him or sing nursery rhymes or look at picture books and talk about the pictures?

You could try getting him involved in helping out around the house - preschoolers love this. He can help load up the washing machine, sweep the floor, clean the Windows (water in a spray bottle and a soft cloth - okay, you'll probably have to redo them later but it's a lot of fun!), cooking/baking together, gardening, watering the plants, washing his toys etc.

@FloorWipes , I wish he displays any level of interest in make believe games... (at least a type of play that has a name). But no, he's not into it at all...

He's just being a normal little boy in my experience OP. I assumed that all kids had a rich imaginary life like I did as a child, but I now realise that's more of a girl thing really (in general) and boys are more physical (in general).

I would just take him to the park, kick a football, play catching games, push him on the swings, bike, scoot, go swimming, pretend to be a tickle monster and chase him round the house, that sort of thing.

Otherwise I would just involve him in what you're doing. He might quite like helping with the cleaning or help to make sandwiches for lunch. Or just bouncing on the bed while you put away laundry 😂 reading and watching tv together is always lovely for a bit of downtime.

I don't think you need to lay on forced activities. By the time he's at school he'll start to show you what he loves to do and then you can run with it.

@Return2thebasic my little one (although only 2) is currently obsessed with birds and feeding the ducks, geese etc so I try and do that a few times a week with a bag or bird feed. Really quite cheap and engaging, I've also bought a little I spy book of birds (they are about £3-4 each and they cover tons of topics), we have fun spotting a bird, looking to see if it's in the book and ticking it off. There may be a topic he likes and he could wield the book and pencil when you are off out

Bury some things in his samdbox and give him the brush from your dustpan (if you have one)... he can go 'fossil' hunting?

@eddiemairswife , I try to read everyday (apart from bedtime). But again, he usually didn't want to sit down and listen. I do have to each time just start reading on my own. Then usually he'd listen till the end of the story. So, again, it's not led by him...

And I CAN'T sing. Really I can't, and I never remember the tunes and the lyrics. No talent in that at all.

@gingersplodgecat

I think it did come across that the OP was in denial because it specified no SEN. My child at 3 had nothing flagged by nursery either but had such severe SEN that mainstream was inappropriate by 10. Bright children can mask SEN.

Anyhow I'll leave now as it's clear I misunderstood the OP's point.

SEN is always a possibility in unusual behaviour, the fact that it is not flagged in nursery doesn't mean that there is no SEN.

Apologies.

@Squashpocket

"He's just being a normal little boy in my experience OP. I assumed that all kids had a rich imaginary life like I did as a child, but I now realise that's more of a girl thing really (in general) and boys are more physical (in general)."

I did start to wonder about the same thing... I played lots of make believe games when I was little. But I was a little girl... I also suspect girls probably enjoy loose parts /mandala stuff a lot more. (I love them myself...)

He doesn't want to watch TV either, lol!

The games sound rather advanced for a just turned 3 year old. Mine is that age and he definitely wouldn't do colour sorting or a card game. He loves cars and Duplo and I just join in by talking about them, asking questions, 'driving' them on a road rug. We have toys on shelves/in boxes which he can reach without assistance and he chooses what he wants to play with rather than me getting things out.

My boy wouldn’t be keen either. Walking, balance bike, feed the ducks, pick up big sticks, playing catch or chasing him, hide and seek. All your ideas seem to involve sitting down and maybe he’s not keen. My boy would sit in sand if he had his toy diggers with him but that’s about it. And he’d want me to do lots of the sand loading for him.

Sounds exactly like my 3 year old. I think lockdown and postnatal depression gave me hugely unrealistic ideas about what she SHOULD be doing and enjoying. I bought all the wanky, expensive wooden toys and she couldn’t care less. My 10 year old loves the Grimms blocks and the Grapat pieces and tbh I think I’d have loved them at that age too. I was trying to prove to myself that I was a good mother when I didn’t feel like I was. I spent an absolute fortune on stuff that’s now just mostly ignored. Try to follow your child’s lead, even if it makes no sense to you! My dd’s favourite thing is a truly awful 80s Princess Diana style hat she got in a charity shop. She does all sorts with it. That and putting stickers EVERYWHERE

@Bigchicken , thanks. It appears clear now that I expected the wrong thing. I guess I forgot at this age they can't do cooperative play yet, even with his mum.

Just too keen to "play together". 😅

He can play beautifully on his own now - I do have to deliberately make myself look busy and not available. We have kept a thin plywood board which usually serves as the back of a piece of furniture. It's really versatile. When he's really little, he uses it as a slide on top of me (sitting up) and we can use it to make tunnel or bridge. Today he used it to make a big bridge between two chairs and ran his car on top before he requested me to wind up the Halloween pumpkin hopping toy, so he could let it hop around on this big bridge and fall off the edge.

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie , you are describing me and what I'm trying to do, honestly. 😂 All those expensive toys and those blogs claiming they are educative and wonderful...

@Return2thebasic step away from Babipur 😂 it’s all image. My other dc didn’t have nearly so many toys, and certainly none so expensive. Those mandalas? The work of bored and depressed mothers with something to prove. Your child is fine, the expectations we place on them aren’t. Let him be what he wants to be. NONE of those instagram kids are real. It’s all image and marketing and we all fall for it and feel inadequate while still desperately striving to be part of their club.

I think you're expecting him to have a longer concentration span than is normal.

Some two-year-olds will, of course, concentrate for ages; others will occasionally concentrate for ages on something that really grabs them. But often, no, playing with something for ten minutes is just normal. That's what they do. Doesn't mean they're not interested or they're not getting anything out of it.

Frustrating for you, I know.

I’m saying this like I have some wisdom. I have none. I’m only just beginning to realise what’s happened over the last 2 years. I felt a real need to fit in, to be something and someone that I’m just not. I feel a bit foolish for falling for it tbh. I LOVED playing with my grandmas button tin when I was really little. Same result, about £100 cheaper. Likewise I should have been happy with charity shop wooden blocks. But, oooooooh the grain, the workmanship. Such bollocks. I have a LOT to put on eBay.

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie , you mentioned your 10 years old loves those toys. Maybe the interest would show up one day... She's only 3. Still many years to see...

It's crazy to pay that amount of money for the stepping pyramid. Both DSs love it. (but not sure if worth the price tag and would really lead to passion for block playing). ... DH said the toy looks a solid piece but I didn't dare to tell him how much I paid for...

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie , in my case, it's over-compensation - I barely bought any toys for DS1 when he's little - we didn't have the money as all went in the deposit for the house. Back then, I also worked full time and DS1 stayed at the childminder's until 6pm - I thought he had all toys there which was enough. I also believed fewer toys means bigger imagination. --- But it all turned out DS1 is a suspect of borderline ADHD and all those years his play was about his toys fighting each other and roaring to each other. And I felt deeply regretful (and guilt) for having not been able to support his development more than I did...

@SarahAndQuack , point taken! Thank you.