Feeling like the worst, biggest failure mum

[AbDaRob]

Feel like such a failure.

My poor DS never seems happy he is 11 weeks (4weeks corrected) has CMPA & Reflux. He’s not gaining weight so was advised to change his formula to a premature one, which had dairy in, but he’d previously gained weight on this so just wanted him back in to gain weight. I took him back off this after 2 days, as he was so uncomfortable… he’s still uncomfortable a week later, I’m so angry I listened and put him back in that milk knowing how he’d react.

Nothing seems to ease him, all referrals for dieticians and paediatrics are taking weeks to come through.

hes never smiled, always seems uncomfortable/in pain… I feel like no one offers any support and I’m constantly chasing professionals.

tell me it gets easier because I feel like the worst mum in the world :(

Someone will come along with more experience but I wanted to send you big hug. I felt such a failure at your stage but it's honestly not you, it's a big change, a lot to learn, no sleep and no manual, so go easy on yourself.

Well done you on keeping pushing for support and help - it's bloody hard going especially when you're knackered. Hopefully someone will be along with some good advice re formula.

On smiling, my full term baby didn't smile till about 10 weeks. Your lovely baby is only 4 weeks corrected, he'll start giving you those lovely gummy smiles soon.

You need to chase for referrals they shouldn't take weeks but days.

Has he got colic?

No advice but just to say you’re not alone and you are doing a great job. He may be uncomfortable and that is hard on both of you, but all he needs is to know you are there for him and lots of cuddles etc. You are doing the absolute best by chasing the referrals and doing all you can.

You aren't a failure.
You are his advocate.
It's hard work with a lot of stress and pressure on you
Be kind to yourself
You can't change the system unfortunately so you just have to keep going
One step at a time

I can’t offer much advice as I’m in exactly the same situation but a month ahead. My little boy is 15 weeks old and has CMPA and has had really bad reflux from day dot.
I’ve also spent every single week since he was born chasing up after GPs and HVs and fighting with the receptionists about getting his formula and other prescription medication. It’s exhausting.
I also constantly feel like the worst mum in the world that I can’t help him feel more comfortable (even though I have researched everything to death, bought every bottle under the sun, tried baby massage, you name it I’ve tried it) and I feel even worse when he’s on his 6th meltdown scream of the day and get frustrated with him even though it’s not his fault.
So yeah I can’t offer a lot of advice just that you’re not alone.
I do think as the weeks go on, things have gotten ever so slightly better. Although it’s hard to see it when you’re right in the middle of a screaming/crying session.
I do my best to look at the positives - he has great head control for his age because he’s always over our shoulder, he can now go to sleep without needing to be rocked or cuddled (which tbf he hates 😂). Things like that, however small, try and focus on those.
What milk are you on? Or are you breastfeeding? We started on Nutramigen 1 which helped initially but he needed moving to an amino acid formula which again helped a lot. He’s on omeprazole for the reflux pain which does help as well as gaviscon with every feed as these formulas are so thin they need something like gaviscon or carobel to help keep it down (we’re under the Infant Feeding Team at Alder Hey who really know their stuff when it comes to children obviously and this is all their instructions/guidelines).
I also burp over the shoulder not lean him forward as that compresses his tummy and makes things worse. I feed for a couple of ounces and then if he lets me, I quickly swap for a dummy and burp him for 5 mins just to let that first bit of milk settle and start moving through his stomach making room for more. I also gently lie him back flat for ten seconds or so before bringing him back up for burping which helps any trapped wind rise to the top to then come out. Basically burp as much as you can so there’s less wind travelling through and upsetting his tummy and even when you think there’s no wind, keep going another 5 mins because there always is. We also dunk a dummy in gripe water when he’s obviously uncomfortable during his sleep or after feeding which helps distract him and comforts him whilst he sucks away. Other than that, as soon as we put him in his bouncy/rocker chair (we have the chicco hoopla) he was much happier. I think all the moving and kicking helped move things along digestion wise.
we still have a lot of awful feedings and terrible tummy pain and wind but it’s nothing like it was in those first couple of months.
also if you are on an amino acid formula already don’t worry as much about not putting on weight as fast as standard formula. New research has shown the free amino acids or partially broken protein tells their brain they’re fuller faster so they put in weight at a similar rate to breastfed babies. My baby was always 50-60th centile until he went on hypoallergenic formulas and bam right down to 23rd where he’s teetered around ever since no matter how much I try to feed him, which is never a lot either by the way.

Hugs. My youngest had a thoroughly miserable babyhood due to allergies. It nearly broke me. He is 13 now, the most wondeful company and as soon as he could.express himslef he displayed a cracking sense of humour.

Omeprazole is a god send but takes about a month to start working. Mine had reflux and colic but no cmpa so he was on anti reflux milk which was a bit thicker than normal formula and helped him keep it down. It’s horrid, hang in there. It will get better.

I remember my baby crying day in day out and I felt so helpless, but now he’s the happiest little boy x

Sending supportive hugs as I know how utterly draining it is to deal with the day to day (and night!) with a baby in distress, and that is without the added stress of prematurity and delayed referrals etc.

First things first - you are not a failure. Nor are you a bad mum. This is a medical issue, not a mum issue, and this needs to be something you repeat to yourself ad nauseum every time those pesky moments of mum-guilt / mum-doubt creep in.

Can you call your community neonatal nurses and get them to expedite the referrals / get you a face-to-face with a consultant? Really lay it on the line how tough you are finding it all. Apologies if you have said but what milk is he on?

Self-care is a must when dealing with a distressed baby, as it is absolutely soul destroying at times and you need to prioritise your own well being too. I know that can feel impossible but as hard as it can be to carve out any moments of me-time, really try to call in all the offers of help you can. I also found baby massage really helpful at calming and connecting with my own refluxy / CMPA babies, and there is some research to indicate it can be helpful in promoting weight gain too so that might be worth exploring. Lots of youtube videos if like me you found attending classes with a screaming baby overwhelming.

Finally, this WILL get easier. You are in the trenches now but soon the smiles, chuckles and lovely shared moments will punctuate your day and the screeching yells of distress will fade into a shudder-provoking memory.

You’ve got this.

The worse thing has literally just happened to me I can’t cope. Currently laid awake because I feel so guilty and riddled with anxiety. I’m staying at my mums while my husband is away (he’s military) as we’ve just moved back from an overseas posting. My mum lives on the top of a steep hill road.

I’ve been for a walk today with the baby in the pram in the nice weather and then we walked back home. I got back to my mums house right on the top of the hill, walked onto the drive, pressed the break on the pram and then went into the porch to unlock the door. After I unlocked the door I turned around and the pram was rolling off the drive with force.

When I say I have never ran so fast in my life I literally flew like Michael Jordon. By the time I caught the pram he was half
way down the hill and about 3 seconds off smashing into a parked up corsa. I’m absolutely distraught honestly either I didn’t press the brake down properly or the brake failed, I feel like the worst mother in the world I can’t stop crying.

He is 3 months old and so is still in the first attachment of his pram which as we know has no straps or seat belts. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if he’d have got all the way to the bottom but I can’t stop with the horrible thoughts in my head it’s really upset me and I feel like it’s all my fault. Of course I will make sure it never happens again as it’s really startled me and broke my heart to think how bad it could have been but I just can’t stop thinking about it.

It was honestly like something off a film and I’m so upset I’m supposed to be his protector. I know I need to get over it, he’s absolutely fine had no idea what was going on in fact when I caught the pram just in time he was giggling. But as soon as I walked through the front door with him I just picked him up and cried and cried.

Has this ever happened to anyone else because it’s genuinely broken my heart and I haven’t stopped thinking about it my poor innocent little baby boy how could I possibly fail him like this 😞

@Cjbx you've not failed him it was a complete accident lovely xxx