1 year old meltdowns after being with grandparents

[CaptainSweatpants89]

So FTM here, 1 year old son, supportive husband.

Since he was 4 weeks old, my son has been going for a sleepover at nanny and granddads house. And with the exception of some times when nanny hasn't been available, it has been quite consistent.

He stays over Sunday night, comes home Monday afternoon. However, when he comes home Monday night he just won't settle with us. His sleep is all over the place and Tuesdays are now becoming days of irrational meltdowns. They are becoming unbearable.

We have a routine at home, and we're now at a stage where we're enforcing this with grandparents too to try and help the situation.

However today, as we do every Thursday after his nap, we go and see nanny and granddad for an hour or so.

I don't leave him, we all play together and he has a lovely time laughing and crawling/climbing. We got home today and he had a complete freak out - red face, tears, snot for days and it took me 15 MINUTES of cuddles, kisses, a bottle and watermelon before he was calm.

Does any one else experience this/is this normal? It's heartbreaking watching your child go through it and exhausting to deal with too. Every week. I want my son to have a loving relationship with his grandparents and hoped he'd get used to staying over etc. But it seems to be getting worse as he gets older.

We know atm he's going through sleep regression and a little separation anxiety (but this is brief). He's been going to nursery twice a week since he was 3 and half months old and he's OK with that and we've never had a meltdown from him after a day at nursery. What is going on?

Sounds like seperatiom anxiety. That’s a long time
away from his primary carer. He is still very little and he doesn’t need to see grandparents over night or even without you to have a close relationship with them.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas So you're of the opinion that it's because he's away from mummy and daddy for so long that's the issue? Even though its been this way almost all his life so far?

That explains the overnight thing and does make sense but not why he behaved the same today when I didn't leave his side.

Probably not the same but my 5year old always plays up after being at his dads for the weekend. He always acclimatises after a day

Do you think he could be overtired op?
Like just no longer getting the good quality sleep he gets at yours so coming home tired?

@hellmannsnotheinz to be honest from what they tell me he sleeps the same or better at nanny's than at home. He's in a routine of bed by 8.15/8.30pm every day but because of his neocate formula still he doesn't sleep through the night (never has) at either home. He'll wake on average twice. His bedtime does vary at nanny's though.

@inmyslippers that's interesting why do you think that is? If you don't mind me asking how long have you had that arrangement? Do you think it could just be just the disruption?

Yeah that's way too long to be without you imho. The situation hasn't changed, his brain has. He has learned to need his primary carers and his routine. Sack it off till he's bigger or take him around yourself.

Poor little mite.

Suspect he's behaving like that the next day when you didn't leave him.because he was scared you would leave him. 1/7 of nights not with your primary carer is, I think, expecting a huge amount from a one year old. He's communicating really clear.distress, as a pattern. Most one year olds.have a close.and loving relationship.with their grandparents without spending.a night a week with them.

It's the change of routine. Its obviously so different between each house.

Grandparents won’t be telling you the full truth - yes he sleeps fine - he probably wakes up upset and difficult to settle - a lot of kids have Disney dads who play all day and they are over tired and don’t sleep - up at all hours -

I’ve worked in schools and you can easily tel when a child has been to the Disney parent or grandparents.

I wouldn’t leave him it’s not worth the hassle after and it’ll only get worse.

He’s too young for full on separation anxiety. It will be to do with routine. They’ll be telling you what you want to hear but doing it their way.

Why not pause the sleepovers and see what happens?
They go through all sorts of stages and if this is currently really distressing him it's best to knock it on the head for a bit.

I think he's probably quite confused. He loves you, and he loves his grandparents. Therefore on Monday night, he doesn't know whether to be glad he's home, or sad he's not got his grandparents there. Of course he can't articulate this, but that is why he can't settle on Monday I think.

Not sure what the answer is, but unless you work Sunday nights, and have no choice, then perhaps drop it to every other Sunday for a bit

And you believe the grandparents? Are you mad? They will be loving running things their way for 2 days a week. However that is not what the child needs.

The phrase primary carer is used as that's what best for a baby and child - one person who they know they can rely on. A 1yo can't possibly process why they are not with you all the time.

I would stop the sleep overs.

Around 2years now, he goes every weekend.
I imagine it's different households with different rules, customs ect. When he comes back Sunday afternoon, I turn a blind eye to any bad behaviour and by Monday he's back to normal and our routine.

Thank you all for your comments and opinions, it gave the husband and I some great talking points and, like you all collectively said, its his routine.

Which brought us to question what routine must mean to him and actually, in my son's shoes as a 1 year old, it must all be very confusing and overwhelming, as there is no routine really on a weekly basis (e.g. nanny sunday/Monday, mummy daddy monday/Tuesday, nursery Wednesday, mummy daddy Thurs, nursery Friday, mummy daddy sat/sun day). That's quite all over the place for a baby. Going in to September it will be far more consistent with changes I've made at work, but we need a plan short term to provide him with some consistency.

We've then had food for thought about that whole routine AND the sleepovers, but we are in agreement he is very emotional, doesn't understand about missing nanny and wanting to be with his parents and has separation anxiety.

Thanks for your suggestions in helping shape our solutions. Fingers crossed.

@inmyslippers that must be quite a challenge for you, and I hope your little one settles with it all soon.

I think how you're dealing with it is great, obviously not entirely getting away with it but until he understands the situation, you are being very supportive of his lack of understanding. Bless you. Hope it all works out for you.

@Wartywart your comments really resonated and it became very clear how true that was once I read that, most insightful thank you.

Ah, no problem. Lovely though that he has both his parents and his grandparents that love him so much!

I dont think its too long to be away from you, my little girl is 1 and goes to a different Grandparents house 2 days a week, sometimes will stay over at one of them, she goes to childminder 2 days a week then has me off on Fridays and me and her Dad at the weekend.
She has bigger tantrums when home from Grandparents (and occasionally childminders) because they never say no, and i do, because i want her to be a balanced human being and getting what you want when you want isnt part of that!
As you say, its likely routine, possibly up a bit later and then overtired and as someone else said, happy to see you and sad to say bye to Grandparents.

If they are happy to have him once a week, do it, its good for you to have the break! or do alternate weeks and see if there is a difference!! Kids adapt - its unrealistic to have the very same routine every single day!!

Of course it isn’t too young for separation anxiety!!! Babies start to experience it around 9 months old

I find it hard to comprehend sending a 4 week old off for one night a week every week to be honest - why did you feel the need to do that?
he clearly isn't happy so I would remove the sleepovers. They aren't necessary to having a good relationship with grandparents.