Partner does nothing!

[Booboo3629]

Hi all my OH and I have been together for nearly 4 years , we've recently had a baby together, at first he was brilliant, he works and I'm on maternity leave , I wasn't bothered about him going out now and again but today I had enough , he came home for 15 minutes then went to pub with his mates and left me with our baby , he regularly disappears and leaves me home alone and what hurt me the most today is he said ' you wanted a baby' basically making out because I wanted our baby I should be the soul carer of him . He doesn't get up with him for feeds either even when he's nit at work he turns over , he even doesn't help when he's at home he sits on his phone whilst I feed are baby , or hands me the bottle , if I want to do anything I have to make arrangements for my parents to have are baby for an hour or two even when dad's not at work ! He either makes up an excuse or makes me rush home so he can clear off out ! I feel like a single mum I can't eat when I want go to the loo wjen I want or have the odd lie in iv tried tellin him but he thinks it's down to me to do everything, im exhausted depressed and starting to hate him :(

@Booboo3629 thank you, I will speak to the midwife, having my first appointment in the beginning of July ( seems like ages to wait until then!) Sent an open invitation to the father saying he is free to join me, but I have no doubts he will not turn up.
According to him it is my fault I got pregnant and now it is my responsibily to deal with it...

You'll cope by finding a support network, and by being super-organised.

Pair up with another local single mum and act as backup for each other. I found a 'partner' through NCT. Plus a good child minder with the personal touch rather than an impersonal nursery.

I worked for a large employer who had a good family policy - flexi days for new parents etc which helped. Plan, plan and plan some more. 😊

@Lovisa85 what an ass he is ! It takes 2 to make a baby ! X

It is actually quite nice to be a single mother. You only have to cook and clean for yourself and your child and you can totally enjoy the little without that growing resentment of having a macho there who thinks caring for his child is demeaning.

I have two friends who have said when they have a child, they'd actually want to do it on their own. Looking at sperm donars rather than partners.

Sounds like all the signs were there long before you made the decision to have a child with someone who was already incapable of parenting the two kids he had. Stop wasting your time and get rid.

Just ditch him. You’ll stop feeling rejected, resentful and angry. Get out before your son realises his dad couldn’t give a shit about him.

USELESS twat. I would leave, how worse off could you be?

And do you really want your son growing up with that man as a role model?

Get him and of your house and get rid. He sounds awful.

Without this man child under your feet, you can teach your son how to be a responsible person and eventually a good man.

He is not a good role model.

There’s no point in dragging out the sham, thinking maybe he’ll change, or letting him guilt trip you into housing him. Tell him ‘this isn’t working for me. You can make arrangements to set up a regular contact schedule for your child, and you will be out of my property by ( ).’

Theres nothing to argue about, so don’t allow him to try to start one, any aggression means the police get called.

Best not to move any more trash in to your kids home in future.

@Booboo3629 I hope things get better for you, but if your partner carries on not support ing you and being lazy, acting immaturely, you will eventually snap. Perhaps talking to him openly would help, he needs to man up. If his behaviour does't change- think about your baby, you don't want your son to grow getting no attention of his father. You are better off without him.

Wow, just wow. I've read some shitty things on mn but for some reason his comment about 'you wanted the baby' has really pushed my buttons on your behalf. What a completely shitty thing to say to you. Not only is is completely disrespectful towards you, it also insinuates that he has not love, or even liking for your ds, and he didn't want him

No wonder you're starting to hate him, I hate him on your behalf!

I'm so sorry, it must be incredibly disappointing and frustrating for you.

The easiest and best option in the scenario would be to just do it alone. Still not ideal I know, but you'll be much better off without him.

That's exactly what I thought @BackToTheTop and to be honest it broke my heart , he said he didn't mean it like that but how else do you mean it !

I have two friends who have said when they have a child, they'd actually want to do it on their own. Looking at sperm donars rather than partners

Yeah well. Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad job, but friends of mine who never got to know their fathers have some serious issues.

but friends of mine who never got to know their fathers have some serious issues.

It's no guarantee that this is because they didn't know their fathers. They could well have still had issues even with knowing them, or had issues caused by their father. All ifs and unknowns tbh. I know plenty of well adjusted people who had no father's, or no mother's, or neither.
A lot of adopted people have serious issues, a lot of people with a happy mum and a dad in a loving relationship also have some serious issues.

Apologies for the 's, my phone does it automatically, must sort that.

I was with my other half just over 4 years when we had our little boy last year. We bought a house the week before we found out I was pregnant and moved in 2 months before baby came, so living together was pretty new when we threw parenthood into the mix.

I’m close to OH’s family and know that his mum did EVERYTHING for him when he lived at home. Up until 25 years old he’d never had to change his own bed or make his own dinner, he didn’t know how to lift a finger because he never had to. Our baby was 6 months old and he still didn’t know how to make him a bottle or use the steriliser.

In the end I did a petty response and a reasonable response at the same time. One day I made a list in the notes in my phone of EVERY SINGLE THING I did that day. Right down to eg
12.16pm filled up the prep machine
12.18pm filled and turned on the steriliser
12.20pm washed up everything that was in the sink
12.40pm ordered more bottle cleaner off Amazon prime

Needless to say it was a damn long list and it made him realise how much he doesn’t even notice needs doing/thinking about.
Alongside this I had a really frank conversation with his mum. She had created a monster and I know he will listen to her. I told her the help I needed and she somehow flicked the switch on his head.

Also - you don’t have to ask his permission to make your own plans. If you want to go out, tell him he has the baby that day as you have plans. If he wants to do something like go to the pub with his mates he can take the baby with him and act responsibly.

SORRY for the generalisation as I know a lot of men love the newborn stage, but from observation in my own family and friend networks, I notice that the older baby gets/ the more they start playing and interacting, the more dad gets involved. Especially now I’m back at work - make it clear that if you’re out of the house for the same time as him each week then you are splitting the household stuff equally.

Don’t write him off until you’ve told him what’s bothering you and given him the chance to step up.

I had a partner like that. Emphasis on the word had. Leaving him was the best thing I could have done for myself and my son. He never wanted to do anything to help bring up his child, and even on days off he would leave us to do things on our own and would never help or come to family days out or events etc. In fact, I had to beg him to look after our son so I could attend my uni exam and he got really arsey about doing it. All of this was while we were in a relationship living together!!! Then when our son was 6 he told me he never wanted him. Bit late for that but thanks I guess???

In the end I left him because I figured I'd practically been a single parent pretty much the whole way so why not just make life easier for myself and stop dealing with his negativity and laziness. My life got SO MUCH BETTER OP!!! so if you're thinking you have to deal with this, you really don't!!! If he wants to act like a single man then he can go live that single life, and when he's 50 and lonely and his son doesn't wanna know him then it'll be his own fault.

@gezelligheid @Boymum1005 sorry for the late reply I only just got the notification! Unfortunately he will never change and the other day was the last straw , another thing that got to me is if his ex rings and says can he have there son he'll glady have him and give her money for things, and she's forever ringing him , the first weekend I was home with my newborn she made his son sleep all weekend and in the past iv had nothing but shit off her ! honestly he's gone there both not worth the hassle !