Practical tips for managing overbearing in laws

[Justaminutelonger]

My in laws are kind people which is why my DH and I have mainly let things go over our heads, but they are becoming more and more overbearing and it’s reaching a breaking point where I can see a huge argument on the horizon.

They have always been this way with DH but it has ramped up significantly since having DC (the first grandchild for all sides) and we are frustrated with how to handle it to the point where it is causing arguments. We get over these quickly but we’re sick of wasting our energy on it and I need DH to find a way of practically dealing with this, ideally by avoiding a huge bust up.

To add context, they are very easily offended, huge worriers and constantly project their anxieties. For example, they get arsey with DH if he hasn’t phoned that week but they won’t just say, you haven’t been in touch this week and we missed you, it will be multiple comments said in a jokey way but where you know in reality they aren’t happy about it, we we’re starting to think you’d forgotten us/don’t worry about us we know when we’re not wanted blah blah. Or when DH mentioned that we’re not giving DC cake/chocolate till much older, their response was well we brought you up with these and it didn’t do you any harm. As if he’s criticised them when actually he was responding in general to a question about how DC is getting on with eating new foods. Or, needing to confirm plans with us multiple times leading up to an outing. I could but won’t go on.

Over the years my DH has got through life by telling them the minimum information needed, keeping to ‘safe’ topics and popping round weekly.

In terms of the overbearing behaviour, it’s all low level stuff but obviously it’s been persistent over a year so it has really built up. I could give so many examples but I’m a bit scared of outing myself if detail them all.

I’ve tried to support DH by telling him to just be honest with them and tell them in a calm and adult way how their behaviour is impacting him (and us) when it occurs but he keeps saying it won’t work because he knows what they are like and it will end in a huge row.

I keep telling him that it is getting to the point where there is going to be a huge row anyway because by him doing things to keep them happy for an easier life, he is building up all these little frustrations in himself and he will end up losing his shit in the end, probably over something trivial but will be the straw that broke the camels back.

DH doesn’t have a worry of speaking to his parents and has in the past about things they do that bother him but it always leads to a big row, I’ve explained in general how he could approach it but I struggle to help him with how he could actually say things in a way that isn’t an outburst or an attack

So mumsnetters, thank you for reading this far. Are there any practical suggestions you can give me so I can help my DH handle his lovely but overbearing parents, or should I just give up and let the inevitable blow up occur?

If I’m honest I’m sick of thinking about it all!

Honestly, this doesn’t sound like over bearing in laws. It sounds like you have an over sensitive DH. You only see them once a week and they don’t seem to butt in on your child rearing so I think you have a pretty good deal. In my experience grandparents can always be a bit touchy when confronted with new parenting norms

A lot of grandparents like to pass on their wisdom, and get very touchy when you do things differently to them. I've found a few things help:

• a generic "yes it is fascinating how advice changes over the years! We've decided to try it this way with baby #1, who knows what they'll be telling us to do when baby #2 comes along."

(I actually have a good example of this - with DD1 I was told no peanuts until age 1 year old. By the time dc2 arrived, the advice was to introduce nuts early as an Oxford study showed that early exposure is better to avoid later intolerance or allergy.)

• find safe@ topics you CAN happily take advice on, and ask PIL for their input then follow their advice. Maybe it's the right age to start a swimming class, or the best time to start potty training, or whether it's worth investing in expensive Startrite/Clarkes shoes etc, or whether you should invest more heavily in Lego or Playmobil...

3 Encourage them to reminisce. Ask about what was different and show fascination and appreciation. I am intrigued by my MIL's brutal sleep training... she is horrified by my child-led parenting... we agree to disagree. 4 Be humble. Admit you are learning and not certain if your way will turn out ok, but explain you want to try your very best so you are taking the latest advice. You can also point out how amazing it is that we can look things up on the internet in a way previous generations of mums couldn't...both a blessing and curse sometimes!

It is difficult isn't it? Are you near them? I'm sure you'll have lots of great advice but for me I'd take a different approach.

For me my dear PIL are lovely but can he hard work. I have just embraced them and their ways.

I go and see them for an afternoon a week and they make us dinner which is nice to have a break and they get to see DS for a few hours. I also send my MIL pictures of DS each week on WhatsApp Which is so easy to do and it makes her day. I give her things to research such as when I needed a highchair she spent ages researching them for me.

So I try and keep them involved in the small stuff and then they leave us to it really if that makes sense! When I ran out of calpol and couldn't get any for love nor money my MIL drove round to all the chemists and got me some. She also drops fruit round regularly for DS that she buys from a farm shop. So it can be intense but i have realised all she wants to do is help. Another thing she does is takes out laundry away to wash and dry. I don't always need her too but it makes her feel useful (she's retired).

So yes they are overbearing in many ways but I have tried to embrace them when i can! Not sure what your relationship is like with them but if you included them more (on non important things) would they leave you to it? Not sure if I make sense!!!

Good luck OP family dynamics are not easy!

This doesn’t sound bad at all honestly.

how hard is it just to keep them happy? We stick to safe topics and don’t tell my in laws or my parents everything. It doesn’t bother me too much to do that to just have an easy life. And why can’t your husband just remember to ring them once a week?

im sorry if I’m sounding harsh - one of my parents died suddenly earlier this year and trust me, you’ll want to appreciate them while they’re here. I know it can be frustrating sometimes as they’re a different generation but it’s honestly not all that hard. When they’re gone it’s truly horrible, I’d give anything to go back to when I had both parents even when they’re being a bit irritating!

This sounds like an absolute non issue. And possibly he's being egged on by your input tbh to make a mountain out of an absolute molehill.
You're both choosing to read more into what sound like normal and reasonable statements!
Your oh and possibly you are the issues here imo not his parents.

The constant low level griping where nothing ever gets brought out into the open really does build up, and I can understand why your DH has had enough of it.

I'd probably "force" them to bring it out into the open. When they make a 'joke' ask 'do you have a problem with that?' 'Is something bothering you?'. If they raise it, address it, if they don't, then ignore it completely - if they make more jokes just ignore them, or give them a level look and a sarcastic 'haha...'

If they take offence at you raising your DC differently to the way they did, respond with 'times change, I'm not you.' Or if they get upset 'I'm not criticising you, please don't criticise me'.

Only address what is clearly verbalised, and ignore the hints. If they care enough about it they need to speak up. If they don't, then you have no need to even acknowledge it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your parent @Cafeaulait27. We really do appreciate them and usually get along. He wouldn’t not want to ring or see them, it’s just sometimes because of shift patterns he would find it more difficult to ring them as often as they would like and they always made a big deal of it on the rare times it happens. They never really appreciate that sometimes he would have one day off that week and he would use it to see them, they always expect him to ring them, I think they put a lot of pressure on him to be in touch and if they didn’t they would find he contacts them regularly of his own accord.

I can see from my OP that I haven’t really detailed the behaviours that have built up in relation to DC so I can understand your posts @ChoiceMummy and @Honeysuckle9 but honestly me and DH are very easy going. You’re just going to take my word for it that their behaviours are overbearing with DC as it is hard for me to explain in writing without giving away too much of the specific detail.

In a nutshell, they get offended and upset about minor things very easily. DH and I don’t. For an easier life he will just let things slide. I do the same but after a year the patience is wearing thin.

Instead of DH over reacting to something minor they have done, I wanted some advice on how he can talk to them in a way that is assertive and not defensive so thank you
@ClaryFairchild @DisneyGirl2329 @WhatsInAMolatovMocktail
for your comments. This is exactly what I’m looking for.

I’m not saying DH has to say something every time they do something annoying, that’s ridiculous but he should be able to say when they are overstepping or intruding and he doesn’t really know how to without them getting upset.

He isn’t avoiding it because he is scared of their reaction, it is because he can’t be bothered to deal with the drama of their reaction. We bicker about it as unless he stops avoiding things for an easier life, his parents will just continue blissfully unaware and me and DH will slowly be driven nuts

@Justaminutelonger thank you, I do get where you’re coming from and I’m sorry if I came across grumpy. My in laws would have us live with them if they could, they always kick up a fuss when we have to go home despite us spending usually 2 days with them when we visit which is roughly monthly. They live about an hour away and don’t seem to understand that we need to get back and do things like washing, food shop etc. so now when they’re like ‘what! You’re leaving!’ I just say yes we are, we have abc to do before work tomorrow, thank you for a lovely time, wish we could stay longer’ and leave it at that. I think as others have suggested when they say ‘we thought you’d forgotten us!’ To just be straight with them and firmly say you’ve been busy and why and just move on to another topic x

@Cafeaulait27 you didn't come across grumpy and your advice is really helpful thank you. You're right, it is really important to make an effort with parents and we do. It can just feel like it still isn't enough sometimes. Similar to yours, my in laws would probably see us ever day if they could. It's not a bad thing to want to spend time, there's clearly a lot of love there, they don't realise that they are a bit intense sometimes.