Guilt of stopping breastfeeding is too much

[Kst21]

I suffer from anxiety and have been on and off meds for years. Have a 2 year old and 7 week old and stopped the meds through choice during both pregnancies. It was difficult but what I wanted.

I restarted when my 1 st child was born and it didn’t affect breastfeeding but the whole experience was so consuming that I didn’t enjoy it for the first 6 months (unable to leave her, demanding etc)

Now with my 2nd I’m much more accepting of breastfeeding and that’s not the main issue as he seems to be accepting of a bottle occasionally which helps in that regard. However, he recently was in hospital for drowsiness, not feeding and we never got to the bottom of the cause. It seemed to tie in with me restarting tablets but the hospital didn’t think it was the cause, although I know in my mind that this can’t be ruled out as research isn’t done on these things. I’ve not restarted for fear of it happening again but I really should restart the meds.

I can’t even think about stopping without feeling guilty and that I’d be depriving my baby of the benefits of BM that my eldest had and I’ve got the irrational fear that the baby will become ill in the future and it will be as a result of me stopping BF and being denied the benefits. I also think it’d be selfish of me as in the grand scheme of things BFing will naturally decline once solids/cows milk are fully established.

I know how silly and OTT that is and is precisely why I need the tablets but I can’t get past it.

Has anyone overcome the same dilemma?

To add, most people I know formula feed and I’m not judgemental of that at all. But I just would like some advice with this personal dilemma.

Congratulations on your baby! For me the benefits of BM (which are tiny anyway in western countries) don't outweigh the benefits of having a well mother who can cope with day to day life.

BF didn't work for me at all for different reasons and tbh I didn't want to be the mum sat there sobbing all day because of how my baby had milk. I wanted to have fun, enjoy my baby, go out and not panic every time I needed to feed. Sometimes to be the best mum you have to stay no to things.

Ah @Kst21 so sorry you’re dealing with this. I haven’t personally dealt with it myself but I know plenty of women who have felt all sorts of ways about breastfeeding- typically involving a lot of guilt -so you are by no means alone. @Stevienickssnickers is correct, I’ve looked at the evidence on this and my opinion is the benefits of breastfeeding over formula feeding in a developed country context are generally very, very small for individuals, if they exist at all. It may make some difference at the population level, as in, if 1 million women breastfeed you might see a tiny percentage drop in x disease (which might be a disease rare anyway). As a general rule, calmer, happier mother trumps a lot of the marginal benefits touted for this or that approach to raising a child.
If you think about it- once a person is finished breastfeeding a child- shortly after- it never gets brought up again in the medical context, ever. That’s because it just doesn’t have a meaningful impact on any outcomes for children or into adulthood. If it was an important part of a person’s medical history it would come up again, but it doesn’t.
Now if people love breastfeeding and they feel there is a big benefit for them or the child then they should definitely try to keep it going, but it’s really not something to worry about if you feel it no longer works for you. There have even been studies within families where one child is breastfed and the other isn’t and their is no difference whatsoever between any physical or mental health outcomes.

I haven’t been in your situation re the meds but I understand how anxiety about the health of your baby can limit the choices you feel that you have. I ended up on an extended course of cbt which helped me greatly. There is always something to feel guilty about. I now feel guilty about all the time I spent crippled with anxiety.
Could you give the meds another try and see if he gets sleepy again? You know what to look out for this time. Or ask for an alternative medication? Or experiment with giving a bottle when you thing the meds are most high in your system? Whatever happens you have given your baby 7 weeks of breastfeeding which is something to hold on to.