School safeguarding concern over abusive ex

[dreamerkat]

Hi, I need advice what to do/ whom to complain to please. I try to keep it short.
My abusive ex started picking on our 9yo daughter in the last few months. She grew more and more reluctant to go to his and she says he constantly shouts at them for no reason, calls them (7yo DS) names like stupid and idiot and he has slapped her once and pushed her to the wall another time. I told these to the school and the safeguarding person who was involved when he has been abusive towards me and the police and social services were involved over 5 years ago, so she knows the history. I told them I'm stopping visitation on these grounds and he is not allowed to pick her up from school. The school office said they were supportive of my decision but they will need a court paper in the long run which I informed them I'm working on. Her teacher suggested that I pick her up early when it should be her dad's turn to avoid confrontation at school. We were doing this for the last two months with one exception when DD decided to give him another chance which ended with him throwing a bag at her.
After all this, today when I went to the office to pick her up 10 mins early they informed me that she has been picked up by her dad and that she was very upset to go with him but they had no right to stop him.
After those safety concerns, I feel they made a mistake, especially letting him pick her up half an hour early which he has no right to do.
Should I talk to the head teacher? Complain about safeguarding to someone?
Thank you.
Kat

The school can't stop dad from picking her up without anything legally in writing.

School were correct I’m afraid. They cannot stop someone with parental responsibility collecting their child. You will need the official paperwork in place.
Some parents do collect children early - did he say she had an appointment or something?
Was your child ok?

Did you action the court order like school had suggested?

if he has PR and nothing official to say he can’t pick up school can’t stop his collecting.

School are right. He has PR so there's nothing they can do. You need to escalate it and get that court order

Also does he still pick the sibling up?

You need an urgent court order. Without a court order there is nothing the school can do except for give them to their dad because as much as you can legally pick her up early so can he and he has now used that same strategy against you. Have you applied to the court?

As he has parental responsibility the school can't stop him collecting his own child. It's not a great situation at all but it's true.

It might have been helpful if they phoned you but potentially if you rushed to the school there might have been conflict between you and him.

You urgently need to get the paperwork completed to stop him having access. I'm not sure what the process would be but perhaps go to your Local Authority child protection team and get advice and help.

Thanks for all the replies. This is insane. So even though he has been abusive towards her and she doesn't want to go they have to send her. What about her rights? What about her safety? I also called first response about two weeks ago and they said if there are safety concerns I have the right to stop visitation. So why can't the school do the same?
I don't know if she's ok, my ex wouldn't let me phone her. Doesn't help that she was already upset as she just had a fallout with her best friend/neighbor last night 😥 now I will have to deal with all the drama of her not wanting to go to school when it's his day to pick up.

Because it’s not schools place to get in the middle of things unless their is a court order to say a parent can’t pick up. As he has parental responsibility they legally can’t stop him picking her up

This is insane. So even though he has been abusive towards her and she doesn't want to go they have to send her.
Yes
How far have you got with the court order?
Would the police be able to assist?

You need to action the court order..

I had sefety concerns with my ex...school agreed if he turned up at school they would delay him...

Also he either is or isn't a safety risk.. Your dd presumably in primary... doesn't decide that.. its too much pressure.

I have a court advice appointment tomorrow and I can hand in the application the day after. My other child wants to go to his at the moment, as my ex always picked his favourites. It used to be DD, now it's DS. Don't ask, it's insane.

And from scjools POv that makes it even harder because you can’t claim he is a risk to one child while still seeing the other. If he is a risk he is a risk otherwise it’s about the child’s choice.

As others have said, if he has PR school cannot do anything unless there is a court order with very specific wording that he cannot collect her from school. This is because legally he is allowed to take her to medical appointments etc. A long time ago when ds was primary age, school allowed his dad to collect him without my knowledge, it then developed into dad refusing to return him, unfortunately there's nothing school can do without the right pieces of paper.

As others have said, the school can't stop him collecting any more than they could stop you collecting.

Again, they are children...This is about risk..

How can you argue with the court that he's safe for one child and not the other?

At the court I will request limited or supervised visit for both of them. I don't think he would seriously harm them just as I explained the'little' things he does. I believe the kids have the right not to be put up with that kind of behaviour and be the victim of his anger outbursts. Even those things are degrading and scarring, the things he's done to me and told me will stay with me for life even if I didn't end up with black eyes or broken ribs.

Watching, not with interest but with sadness because I am in similar boat OP.