Thinking about having a 3rd child

[chickpea1982]

I need some advice. I'm really stuck.

I'm 39 - 40 next month - and can't get the idea of having a third child out of my head. I have two beautiful sons, aged 4 and 5, so they will both be in school from September. My husband really doesn't want another. And there are big parts of me that don't either. Honestly, I feel too old. I hated being pregnant, and I'm not one of those crazy energetic people who love chaos. I don't - I love peace and quiet, which I'm getting more of now the children are older. I also have LOADS of weight to lose, and getting pregnant again won't help.

But for all the reasons why not, I still want one. For all the hard work and exhaustion, there is so much joy in having a child and watching it grow. The thought of giving it up - giving up the dream of a third - leaves me feeling meaningless. Like, what is the rest of my life for? I know, I know - making the most of the family I've got - but it just doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I've lived with the regret of not having another for 3 years now, and it won't go away.

FWIW, we have a big house, money is not an issue, and we have lots of family support.

Maybe I need something else?! I've toyed with the idea of fostering, or adoption. Or a cat! I just don't know. I'd really appreciate some advice. Thanks in advance.

Will that feeling go away if you have a 3rd? Would you then want a 4th?

Get a cat.
Seriously, if your DH doesn't want another child then don't even go there.

I'd try to imagine the long term. 3 young children is very different to 3 teenagers for example. It could be a very busy and expensive life with potentially 3 different tastes and interest to deal with. Not a bad thing but not for everyone.

Not much you can do if your DH doesn't one but I do understand the yearning and feeling that perhaps your family isn't quite complete - I'd like a 4th.

I have 3 albeit 2 are twins and practically cars, houses, days out and holidays are much more expensive but sounds like you could afford it? Or do you just think you can afford it and just assuming because your DH pays the bills? (I'm the Main earner so best placed to know if can afford one or not)

It is hard having your time, attention and money split 3 ways though and often feel a bit of mum guilt that I'm spread much more thinly

Your DH doesn’t want another, you don’t want another.

You’re struggling with the transition of both DC being in school, a new phase in your life, maybe the feeling of them needing you less.

Find another way to fill that loss. Don’t have another child.

As someone who is pregnant with their third boy, I would be biased and say you never regret the children you have. Not really helpful or practical advice I know though! I think the age gap is nice, ours are will be 6 and 8 when baby arrives, they are very excited for another brother.
Life would definitely be easier if we didn't have another child, but that wasn't enough of a reason not to have another for us.

Well, your husband really doesn't want another, so you'll need to find a man who does first. Does that change the longing at all?

you never regret the children you have
**
bad advice - plenty of people regret their children, there have been hundreds of threads to that effect over the years.

If your husband was on board I’d say go for it, but he isn’t so I think you would be silly to have another child.

If your husband isn't on board then surely it ends there?
I say this as someone in the same boat (DH will not have third so have no idea where to go from here!)

My husband doesn't want another, but recently said he would agree if I really wanted one. I've spent the last 4 years believing he was completely closed to the idea, and so that little crack of light has thrown me. I can't stop thinking about it now.

My husband doesn't want another, but recently said he would agree if I really wanted one

Everyone I know who said that their husband said this ended up more or less bringing up the child on their own. It was a case of "you wanted another child, it is your responsibility to bring it up. I was just the sperm donor".

Three small children is fine. Three teenagers is another matter entirely - the expense, the emtional wreckage, GCSEs and A levels, supporting through university. I think you really need to think this through properly.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I appreciate your honesty. My head knows full well that it is not a good idea, but my body clock heart keeps saying "but babies are so cute! It's your last chance! If you don't do it now you will regret it forever!".

I think you’d be a bit mad. You have 2 boys close in age which will make life easier as they grow and you can do activities age appropriate for the both of them. It will get quite tricky if you have a baby in the mix and older children when doing days out to suit all of them especially as your boys get older. Also the cost. And the fact that from September your life is going to get a lot easier - why do you want to make it harder?! Also your husband isn’t keen. You could end up with a difficult baby and a resentful husband. I wouldn’t do it.

I have 3 kids. I love them (obvs) and I always wanted 3, but just today I was thinking about the 3rd child threads on MN & what a different proposition it is when the children are small.

Mine are all at primary & secondary school - today I collected 2 of my kids from school at 3.15pm, dropped 1st off at an activity at 4.30pm, dropped 2nd off at 5pm, currently waiting to pick up my 3rd child from her sports match at 5.45, going back to collect 2nd child at 6pm, before dropping them both at home with my DH & going out to collect 1st child at 7pm.

it felt like a different calculation when it was all about toddlers & playgroups!

Hormones are a bugger! They kick in about your age to really push the idea of having another child before it is too late. I can remember when I was in my early 40s waking up many mornings thinking I was pregnant and then realising it had just been a dream. It was quite unsettling

but my body clock heart keeps saying "but babies are so cute!

They don't stay babies for long. Three teenagers are a completely different proposition. Why don't you read some of the education threads - secondary/further and higher education for a dose of reality?