Can’t cope anymore

[T90]

I’ll try to make this brief

DD is 2.7 awaiting ASD official diagnosis non verbal. When she was born I had awful PND, got help took meds and felt better.
We found out about the ASD about 3 weeks before our second child was due
Just had our DS 4 weeks ago - no PND feelings so far, absolutely adore him

DD isn’t interested whatsoever in her brother but her behaviour/eating/sleeping has gone out the window. She has major meltdowns due to frustration on not being able to tell us what she wants/needs and now has a habit of waking up at 3am every night.

DS is a very chilled baby, up a lot in the night as a typical newborn would be but no issues.

I haven’t slept longer than an hour and a half since he was born. DD is driving me insane getting up in the night, giggling and screeching at me when I try to put her back to bed. She doesn’t seem to understand the context of it’s too early please go back to sleep. She has a nice calm bedtime routine and goes down fine but sometimes she can stay up till 10pm.

DH snores away quite happily and isn’t very supportive during the night. He sometimes has the audacity to say how tired he is in the morning.

After the 29th time of putting her back to bed at 4am I just want to scream at her, I’m ashamed to admit it but sometimes I think about holding her shoulders down and screaming at her to get the f to sleep and then I instantly feel guilty.

I had some self harm issues when I was in my teens and unfortunately after years and years of not doing it, I’ve started again. I feel it’s the only way to cope with this exhaustion, stress and guilt, and it makes me feel better even though it hurts.

I feel so incredibly alone and too ashamed to admit any of this to my DH or my HV. I don’t think I can cope with any of this anymore.

You poor thing, that sounds relentless. You have nothing to be ashamed of! You should tell DH how much you are struggling and you need him to start sharing the nights. Make an appointment to go and see the GP, I know you said this doesn't feel the same as PND but it can manifest in many ways and they will be able to help.
Have you got any friends or family you can talk to?

Please speak to your husband and your GP, HV. You need help for yourself, you are just as important to your family as they are to you.

Please, please get help. Sending you a massive hug. Xx

See your GP and tell your HV, there is no shame in needing help. I had PND after my youngest was born, felt suicidal. Had counselling which helped but starting meds was life changing for me. It’s the old plane analogy, you can’t help anyone until you’ve got your own oxygen mask on.

Also make DH get up with DD, they’re his kids as well he needs to share the pain.

Tell your husband to get the fuck out of bed and look after his children.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, you're in charge of DS and he's in charge of DD. If not, swap children every few nights.

It is inexcusable that he is putting you through this. Utterly unforgivable. Have a frank discussion with him, lay it all out, and demand that he steps up. If he refuses, take yourself and DS away somewhere (friends/family/hotel) for a handful of nights and leave him to it.

I would also speak to your HV and GP and see if they can signpost you to SS for support with your DD, respite etc, or fast track a diagnosis. They may be able to give you something to help with her sleep. You don't need to go into details, just tell them that you're struggling to cope.

You're doing this alone, OP, and it's too much for one person. Put your foot down and demand the support you deserve.

I’m not surprised you feel this way. I think very few people would be feeling differently.

Seek all the help you can.
Your DH needs to step up.
Is there an SEN parents group in your area for mutual support?