3 year old behaviour - feel like a failure.

[cluelessandhopeless]

Looking for some advice. I have had the worst day today and I can not stop worrying and beating myself up about today.
My son is 3 and when he’s good he’s a brilliant little boy but he has always been quite difficult and challenging since the he was born.
Today we’ve had the worst day and I can’t stop crying about it.
Had to go to the shops today to get some bits for a birthday. Only had to go to one shop and was only meant to be a very quick shop to grab a couple of things, so not as if he had been dragged round for hours.
As soon as we got in the shop he starts grabbing at everything he sees, so I’m telling him to put things back and trying to be kind but firm and explaining why we don’t touch. But then he starts looking like he wants to wander off so I told him to stay close because the shop is busy.
As I went to grab a card he bolted right down to the bottom of the shop. In a split second he was just gone and I panicked. He has never run off before.
I feel like I handled things so badly. I marched down to the bottom of the shop and my heart was racing because I couldn’t see him.
I looked down the one aisle and couldn’t see him, then looked down the next aisle and when he saw me he laughed and ran. So this turned into me ‘chasing’ him in the middle of the shop.
When I finally caught him I told him off for running away from me and told him he couldn’t have the toy he’d picked up when we first went in.
This caused a major meltdown - lying on the floor, shouting, hitting me.
I had my arms full, so trying to keep hold of him and control of him with just one arm was impossible so feeling panicked I said he could have the toy if he was good (really angry at myself for this but in the moment had no idea what to do)
This calmed him down enough to pay but he was still messing about at the till, shouting and pulling at my clothes.
Came home and cried and have been emotional all afternoon.
I feel absolutely mortified and so humiliated. Everyone in the shop was looking and I know probably judging me.
How do you handle bad behaviour in public? I need some tips and advice. His behaviour is always far worse in public than at home. How do I get him to listen and do as he’s told? I will often tell him no and he will completely ignore me and do it anyway. He also will have extreme screaming meltdowns and he is not scared to do that in public either.
I’d appreciate some advice but please be gentle with me as Im quite sensitive right now and already really beating myself up about today

There really is no need to give yourself a hard time over this. Children are difficult, Every parent has had situations like this. You can't expect to handle every situation perfectly, it's just not possible.

Back to the buggy if he is bolting imo.

@ZigZagZen Thank you.
I just feel like since he turned 3 I’ve found things really difficult and often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or how to handle his behaviour, and I feel like such a crap mum.
I think the sheer panic of him running off combined with the embarrassment of everyone silently staring at me has overwhelmed me today.

@ZigZagZen Thank you.
I just feel like since he turned 3 I’ve found things really difficult and often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or how to handle his behaviour, and I feel like such a crap mum.
I think the sheer panic of him running off combined with the embarrassment of everyone silently staring at me has overwhelmed me today.

People in the shop were just glad that it wasn’t their child or that they are past that age, honestly don’t give them another thought
As for your little one it would be reins or pushchair if he isn’t able to walk nicely and safely.

People in the shop were just glad that it wasn’t their child or that they are past that age, honestly don’t give them another thought
As for your little one it would be reins or pushchair if he isn’t able to walk nicely and safely.

@Lizzieismagic Annoyingly we have just got rid of his buggy. He was looking far too big in his old one and it was never getting used, but it would have been very helpful today 😭
I did consider reins.
and also thought maybe we could try a reward chart 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly toddlers are ars*holes. Sounds exactly like my 3.5 year old, he runs away from me in shops and hides and finds it hilarious. I get down on his level and tell him if he can't stay with me/walk nicely I'll have to pick him up and carry him to keep him safe or put him in the pram if I have it with me.

It's not you, it's him, they just have no impulse control.

I'm impressed you were able to buy what you needed. I usually have to abandon my shop to carry out my screaming toddler.

I would definitely use reins on him for his own safety. Dashing off could be very dangerous in crowds or traffic. I speak from experience, my son was like this. Other shoppers wouldn’t be bothered, just thankful it wasn’t their child kicking off. Take care x

Another vote for reins. Also they are not called threenagers for nothing !

These things happen, I doubt people were judging you. Next time I'd suggest avoiding big punishments and having small consequences, so that you don't end up backtracking. So for example you could have taken him outside the shop to calm down, then told him if he stayed with you when you went back in you would buy him the toy. That makes it a reward for the right behaviour instead of a punishment.

You are doing nothing wrong. They can be a delight up until 3 and then it's like they're possessed.

I had multiple occasions of walking back to the car with a screaming 3 year old flung over my shoulder when it all kicked off while out shopping/on a 'nice' day out. All I can say is, be prepared to abandon stuff and go home if behaviour is really bad. No negotiation with terrorists!

PS if he regularly grabs things in shops I'd suggest giving him a toy to carry or a toy pushchair to push so that his hands are full!

Massive hugs to you Mammy, they are little wee manipulative terrorists. I so feel your pain. Flowers, wine n chocs for you tonight, but dont let his behaviour stop you throwing him over your shoulder, saying sorry and walking out, leave everything, All parents have been there and anyone else doesn't matter.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s a horrid age and there are better days to come. Just ride it out.
Definitely agree about reins - try the back back ones rather than the wrist ones - makes him feel more independent but gives you control.

I'm in the middle of reading 'How to talk so little kids will listen', as I was sick of the battles with three year old esp getting ready for nursery. I have barely had to shout since I started reading. Was recommended on MN. You should notice some improvements right away.

I totally understand where you are coming from. We have all been there. And we will continue to come up against challenges and make mistakes when dealing with them. Try not to best yourself up too much about today.

Many parents have had moments like this (including me), so I would imagine that most people would be looking on with sympathy, not judgement! I don't think a reward chart will be much use in situations like this, just deal with it in the most matter of fact way you are able to at the time.

We didn't have reins but had a "hold my hand or go in the buggy" rule, but when we were out and about without the pushchair, we have had times when one of us has had to walk out of the shop with our daughter literally kicking and screaming under our arm. She did also on occasion lie on the supermarket floor screaming at some perceived injustice. It passes!

That sounds scary, I still remember the horror of DS running off in an airport at the same age. 💐
Only advice would be to follow through on the no toy threat (painful as it would have been) so that he knows you mean business. At the moment he’s misbehaving and still getting a treat so no incentive to listen next time.
Although easier said than done, and I probably would have done the same as you for a (temporarily) quieter life.

Reins. I really recommend reins.

Ones that have a loop as the handle. Loop it around your wrist so you have 2 hands to hold shopping, pay for items etc. It will enable you to be able to look away from your son for the time you need to pick up items and pay for your shopping but while knowing he is safely still there next to you (even if he tries bolting).

I've been just where you are OP. It's hard work but you will get through it.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid because I'm in a similar situation with my 3 year old. He's always been difficult too. Like you, I can get quite stressed if my ds behaviour is bad in public. It's a little more complex with my ds though as we are looking into adhd and if he's ill or overtired, his behaviour is so much worse.

Two things that work for my ds - simple, clear instructions (using first, then) and sticking to a consequence. E.g. Taking ds back to the car for some calming down time if we're out.

Try not to beat yourself up. I do it too sometimes but it really doesn't help. Hope you get through the rest of the threeanger stage OK x

There are also lots of fun reins now. Ours had a little cuddly monkey backpack on them so it wasn't ever actually wearing reins - it was taking monkey for a walk. A much more fun description for a 3 year old than wearing reins.

My two year old likes to go off in shops. it's exhausting and can be upsetting. I once lost her for 5 minutes. Had to go to security to find her in some random woman's arms (that wonderful lady!). Happy and not in a hurry to come to me. And she does not. Simply asks around (mostly to people in uniforms) : where my mummy? But I panic and it's a stress.
Hopefully yours(and mine) will get over this. And frankly I'm sure people were sympathising rather than judging. We've all been there

mortified and so humiliated.. That's a bit much. Did your parents use to discipline you by using shaming tactics?

I really think you should lower your expectations of his behaviour and up your expectations of people around you. Generally people won't care. Other parents will understand, every parent would have been through a similar thing.

Solidarity! Most of us have been there, three is a nightmare. Brush it off and try not to let it get to you.

Tbh mine were restrained (pushchair or trolley seat) in shops until I could be sure that they wouldn't pull shit like this any more 🤣
Actually I do still put the 4.5yo in the trolley seat if it's busy in the supermarket. He doesn't throw epic tantrums or run away any more but he has been known to dawdle in front of people trying to get on with their shopping or get distracted by something shiny and get left behind.

Okay, yeah you shouldn't have given in and bought the toy, but we've all been there so don't give yourself a hard time over it. My advice would be to always be prepared to walk out and go home. Whether it's a fun day out or an errand. My dc's quickly learned that "we will go straight home if you don't stop" is not an empty threat and that keeps them under control most of the time. If you need to do something that you absolutely have to complete and can't walk away from then go with another adult who can take the dc out if need be or have them in a pushchair or trolley seat.