Making a child apologise - good or bad?

[Neuroq]

My 5-year-old - who I suspect is neurodiverse but hasn’t been diagnosed - is very hyperactive and full of energy.

We’re away, and on the property we’re staying on, he pulled his pants down and had a wee in the middle of the grounds. I didn’t see it (looking the other way), but the owner said “there are toilets here you know”, which is how I noticed. I apologised, moved him on, they didn’t seem too bothered. But this came off the back of lots of other minor things he did that they had to talk to him about.

DH and I were talking about whether or not we should get him to apologise to the owners for doing that. DH thinks we should. I don’t disagree but it is VERY HARD to make DS do anything at all. And I read that making children apologise doesn’t actually make them sorry.

What do the wisdom of mumsnet think?

You should have made him apologize at the time, that's utterly foul.

I agree with Intent, it might be hard but it’s necessary. It’s a little late but you must try your best to teach him that’s what we do if we do something wrong.

Yea, I think kids should apologise but a neurotypical child of his age can't post date their apology- they can't remember what they did wrong. You should have sorted it at the time

It might have been just a wee but if there is other stuff too, it’s a good idea.

Will he know what he's apologising for now? You should be making him apologise when things happen.

What was the other stuff? Was it damaging or destruction to the property?

What are the lots of other things they've had to speak to him about? Struggling to understand how he's doing multiple things that the property owners have had to tell him off for when he's presumably with you all the time?

I don't think there's a point now as the opportunity has passed. But definitely worth having a chat about and maybe brainstorming between you ways in the future to make amends for things.

You should have a talk with the child and ascertain whether they actually are sorry. "Sorry" is actually quite abstract, so I often say "do you wish you didn't do it?", or "so you think you'll do that again".

If they say something along the lines of how they realise they shouldn't have done it, then I usually say to them "ah, that means you're sorry. Would you like to say it, or would you like me to say it for you?"

IMO there's not much point making an apology into a huge, shame-laden event. If you're not careful, you can just build really negative associations towards apologising!

Apology needs to happen at the time really

Too late, you missed the chance.

It happened quite quickly - a sorry from us, then he ran in the cabin crying as DH told him off. DS definitely got the message that what he did was not ok, but he didn’t say sorry to the owner (who seemed quite chilled about it and we haven’t seen since).

The other minor things he was told off about were: being noisy, running where there’s a sign saying walking not running. I was in the shower for that (DH gives our children a longer leash than I do!) but DH was pretty cross about it all.

It’s hard to know how to get it right with DS. At school, he’s so well behaved and can’t stand being told off so doesn’t put a foot out of line. Around us, he behaves completely and utterly wildly. It isn’t easy parenting him, to be honest. His sibling is very easy - apologises instantly if messed up, and absolutely wouldn’t just wee anywhere (!), etc.

Ah I wouldn't worry about it then. The other stuff sounds fairly minor kid stuff!

It is tough as ND kids (and just kids in general tbh) are often good as gold with other people but when they're with their 'safe' people, can act out more or let out whatever they've been holding in.

That's all normal, don't think he's done anything remotely awful so don't stress. Yes would be better if he could say sorry at the time, but children don't have the concept of land as property & I can see why lots wouldn't see it as an issue! Does he often pee outdoors at home though? I have friends who let their boys wee in the garden!

No. Please don't make him. It's traumatic for many kids, he knows he should not have and that's the end. He will be an angel in school, then lash at home where he feels he can be more himself.