Help my 3 year old eat!

[Corilee2806]

I originally posted in behaviour/development but noticed that board is very quiet so trying here instead (thought the feeding boards were too baby/weaning focused which isn’t really my issue)

I’m at my wits end and looking for advice, apologies in advance if this is long.

I’ll start by saying I’ve always worried about my daughter’s weight and growth - she was very tiny when born and didn’t gain weight well for the first 6 months or so, wasn’t on the charts and referred to a paediatrician. Then when she started weaning and I stopped BF she was fine, ate well, pretty much anything we put in front of her, and started climbing up the charts especially for weight. She was signed off around 1 year, on the 25th centile for weight and around 9th for height where she has roughly stayed since.

I know that as long as they are tracking their line and not losing weight health professionals aren’t too concerned. But since the age of around 2 she has become fussier and fussier - this seemed to get worse when her brother was born when she was just over the age of 2. I’ve consulted a few resources and it seems it’s about control rather than any sensory issue. Although sometimes she doesn’t like to even be in the room with certain food smells and really freaks out until I remove it or her. But it’s gone on for a long time now, she’s 3.5 and things seem to be getting better rather than worse. When I spoke to a HV they said as long as she’s happy and healthy and meeting milestones I shouldn’t be too concerned and she is - she’s very bright for her age and a happy girl, this is the one problem area really! Lately she has been I’ll quite a lot and taken a while to bounce back - I know this can be normal with all the bugs going round but I worry her immune system isn’t great due to her poor diet. She has a vitamin every day.

So, her actual diet. She eats a decent range of breakfast - cereal, toast, porridge, and she tends to eat a lot as she wakes hungry after not eating much dinner. Lunch isn’t too bad, she only really eats a plain butter or jam sandwich but will have cucumber and tomatoes and she eats a good range of fruit. The issue is dinner - she just really doesn’t seem to enjoy this mealtime and only wants to eat sausages and pasta. If I make anything else she won’t come to the table. She will sometimes eat some carrot - no other veg. Nothing with a sauce, not nuggets or fish fingers or pizza anymore, spag Bol or other things she used to like which I could hide veg in. I feel like I’ve tried everything - we used a book and got advice from a lady called Claire potter who basically advised the whole ‘division of responsibility’ method which I try to stick to but it often means she won’t eat anything at all, if I give her what she likes and put a bit of what we’re having on her plate she just refuses it and takes it off or leaves the table. She then says she’s hungry at bedtime, sometimes I give her a dry cracker or piece of toast as a snack so she doesn’t go to bed starving. We’ve tried making mealtimes fun, serving family style meals in the middle of the table so we can help ourselves, letting her eat in the living room, everything! We try not to tell her to eat, make dessert a reward, put pressure on, I know all of the principles but it’s hard to be 100% consistent, the other issue is she is with her cousins for childcare a few days a week and they are older and fussy eaters so I think she’s picked up on that in the last few years - she uses words like disgusting for foods she doesn’t like. Sometimes she refuses to even sit up properly or use cutlery - like she wants to act up on purpose, at first I thought it was all a behavioural reaction to her new brother but he’s 16 months now!

I don’t know what else to do, I want to get a referral to a dietitian but I’m not sure if that will happen as she’s not really suffering as a result of the fussy eating. I really hate the idea that I just have to let her grow out of this - I really want my DS who is currently a good eater not to go the same way and it’s so annoying not being able to eat family meals together nicely. My husband and his family all are pretty blasé about it as they were all fussy eaters as kids and grew out of it later on - by teenage years - but I don’t want my daughter to eat sausages and pasta for the next decade or more! It really gets me down and occupies a lot of my headspace and I feel really alone with it, I dread play dates and eating out too as she rarely eats.

anything else I can do? If you’ve read this far thank you very much!

We turned our daughters eating around, she was one so younger, with the help of an NHS dietician and the organisation Solid Starts. They specialise in picky eating, I’d recommend looking at their Instagram reels of ‘Our Story’ and ‘Picky Eating’. You have to stick to it every single day, however hard it is. A year ago everything went on the floor at every meal unless it was a yogurt pouch. Yesterday she tried pineapple, grapes and Jaffa cakes for the first time. I couldn’t have even imagined it a year ago!

How long do you stick at various things? So how consistent are you being?
how much is she having in the way of snacks?
My nephew is similar (although eating a wider range than your DD). He will eat endless quantities of breakfast. A reasonable(ish) lunch but fights against dinner. From observation though this is because my sister allows him to graze all day. Any sign of grumpiness is met with crackers or biscuits. This is completely her choice but she doesn’t seem to have worked out that he’s not hungry by dinner time because he’s already had all he needs though the rest of the day.

I don't understand the no pudding as reward thing. That and praising the other child/ anyone else at the table for eating well were the main ways we muddled through the fussy eating 2- 3 year old stage.

It is totally maddening though, op. All that effort and so little apparent progress. I have had phases of hating tea times

In answer to your question about consistency, in all honesty, probably not enough and deep down I know that’s probably part of the answer. Ditto with the snacks - she has always been a bit of a grazer and we got into had habits 1) during lockdown and 2) when baby no 2 came along, could write a whole separate post about the various challenges I’ve had with him but it’s meant we’ve probably done things for an easy life and ended up in this mess. I feel like such a failure and like I’ve let her down but no one else seems to think it’s a problem so I just feel really alone and like I’ve no support with trying to change things.

With dessert, what I meant was I let her have it if she hasn’t eaten dinner, sometimes serve it alongside etc - so she’s not seeing it an exciting thing to get to and hold out for. Not sure if that’s right!

No advice from me unfortunately but a big high five to you in solidarity. We too are in exactly the same boat with our just-turned 4yo. Will watch this thread with interest!

Honestly I don't know what's right, and maybe I'm storing problems for later, but we have always made pudding contingent on having at least two mouthfuls of her main meal. I know people say not to do this, but I don't really know what we would have done otherwise. My health visitor, who had loads of her own children, told me to praise someone else at the table for eating well (then obviously praise the fussy one if they eat) and I genuinely have found that to be helpful too. Neither approach always works, but those have been our main strategies and the fussy one eats a lot better now at almost 4. (She is still a bit of a pain in the arse at meal times.)

I don't think you should feel guilty- you're trying hard and it sounds like your child is eating a lot of good food despite the main-meal fussiness. That said, I empathise and have really felt that guilt and frustration too.

What you tried giving dinner earlier?

*have you

Grazing is not, in itself, an big problem. 5 small meals across a day is ok. Especially at that age.
The problem is then also expecting them to happily sit down and eat a full meal at 5:30. She’s not going to be hungry enough for that. What if you try her main meal earlier in the day? So save the snacks for dinner time?? An consistency is everything at this age. You have to give it a decent length of time and stick at it properly before you give it up and try something else.

Have you tried doing dinner at lunch time, or giving her a bigger, more substantial lunch?

Have you tried "dinner" at lunchtime when perhaps she more hungry?

Lol just cross posted with the post above mine!

I haven’t tried giving her her main meal at lunch time or doing it earlier but I could try both of those. I work 3 days a week so not always there for mealtimes and she has packed lunch at preschool one day but with the school holidays coming up I will be able to experiment with different timings a bit more.

thats the other thing that I struggle with when it comes to consistency - she is with me, her aunty, my parents, in preschool, all for different meal times so it feels really hard to put those rules and boundaries in place and get everyone to follow them. When we’ve tried before it’s sort of gone by the wayside after a few weeks, if it doesn’t work we get disheartened and often revert to feeding the kids separately and eating something different ourselves later when they’re in bed - we often eat dinners they wouldn’t have but I have tried to simplify and eat plainer food a while that I know they are more likely to have - to no avail. We’ve also tried getting her involved in meal prep which she enjoys but then she still won’t eat it. Lots of internal screaming for sure!

You can give your child so many problems by worrying about them eating. She will know you are bothered by it. You need to let this go or you could make it worse. She's having a good breakfast and lunch she will be absolutely fine Sit down to dinner chat about anything other than food. Completely ignore weather she's eating or not eating don't mention it. If she doesn't eat take it away and don't comment. Keep persevering but don't make a fuss about it.

You can give your child so many problems by worrying about them eating. She will know you are bothered by it. You need to let this go or you could make it worse. She's having a good breakfast and lunch she will be absolutely fine Sit down to dinner chat about anything other than food. Completely ignore weather she's eating or not eating don't mention it. If she doesn't eat take it away and don't comment. Keep persevering but don't make a fuss about it.

Yes I totally agree and know what you’re saying - we don’t show her we are concerned and at mealtimes we try to have fun and not focus on the food and ask her to eat it or anything like that (although I suspect other family members don’t do the same) - the last thing I want to do is show her we are worried and make it worse. Just wish her diet could be more balanced and varied and want to make sure I’ve considered every way of trying to achieve that before I ‘let it go’.

No advice sadly, I am as fussy as your DD (maybe even more) myself but as a parent I have only one rule. We all sit together when we eat. You don't want to eat ok, no need, you can watch us. And everyone can ask for whatever they want to eat (as long as we have it at home). Open the fridge show me what you want (and within reason I'll hop down to a store to get it if we ran out). But we all sit, together, wile a subset of us also eat.

Not the whole family always, but at least kids and one parent, or both kids (for breakfast). And I'd not worry about her being at different places at different days and times - it's what you do home that should stay the same, whatever happens elsewhere.

It’s good to hear from someone who has lived it and has a perspective on fussy eating as an adult! I struggle to even keep my daughter at the table more often the not especially at dinner time. She is better at breakfast and lunch is a bit mixed.

To be honest OP my DD is similar. She likes breakfast and lunch but often won’t eat much for dinner. She doesn’t seem to like dinner ‘meals’. She won’t eat homemade things like chickpea curry or lentil stew but also won’t eat foods like fish fingers, chips, nuggets, baked beans etc. It’s frustrating.

At the moment she likes tortilla pizza or pasta with tomato sauce for dinner. I offer other things on other nights but if she doesn’t want to she won’t even take one bite. It’s tricky because I want to encourage her to eat dinner but I also want to make sure she eats something because she is small and I don’t want her to lose weight. So I’ll give toast, peanut butter, yoghurt etc to top her up.

I try to make sure she has a good breakfast, lunch and snacks and dinner is almost a bonus. I don’t worry about it too much anymore as I know I am doing my best and lots of fussy eaters are fine in the long run. I was super fussy as a child too (but not anymore), so maybe she gets it from me!

Good luck with it!

My 3.5 DS is very similar. He loves breakfast and all similar foods and will stuff himself in the morning. Fruit, yoghurt, cereal, porridge and peanut butter are all eaten. Pretty much everything else is regularly refused and nothing is especially safe. Sometimes he will eat a cheese wrap or noodle soup, sometimes a nugget or veg and hummus, but never two days in a row. He also vacates the table as often as we will let him.

It's hard but I would say keep doing what you are doing. I use a sectioned plate and add plenty of small choices - sweetcorn, carrot, rice, etc alongside portions of whatever we are having. It's hit and miss but when he's hungry, he eats. I ask him to try everything, and ignore it when he doesn't!

All I can tell you is my DD at that age ate sausages, bolognese and mash. And cream cheese toast. And nothing, literally nothing else, at all for about 3 years. At 12 she eats almost anything. Current obsession is those disgusting imported Taki crisps. So spicy I feel like I'll get a nosebleed if I eat more than 1. She eats bags of them if allowed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think you necessarily need to make changes. But, if you do want to, I have had success with limiting food in the morning. DS would eat cereal/toast/fruit all morning if I let him. I’ve noticed on days he has a big breakfast and then maybe a big snack at 10am he’ll eat a bit of lunch and a few mouthfuls of tea at most and then wake up the next day hangry, so the cycle perpetuates. Days where he has a small-ish bowl of cereal and a couple of crackers or half a banana at 10, he’ll eat much better the rest of the day. He can get a bit whingey by 11/11:30ish, but we push through to 12.

You can give your child so many problems by worrying about them eating. She will know you are bothered by it. You need to let this go or you could make it worse. She's having a good breakfast and lunch she will be absolutely fine Sit down to dinner chat about anything other than food. Completely ignore weather she's eating or not eating don't mention it. If she doesn't eat take it away and don't comment. Keep persevering but don't make a fuss about it.

thanks @AliceW89 - I think the suggestion re breakfast is a good one. Some days she has a more normal amount and I’m sure she eats better later in the day when that’s the case - it’s usually when we rush off to playgroup so she has less time to ask for more, so it’s a bowl of cereal or porridge and that’s that.

I think it’s the fact that one of her main meal choices is sausages rather than anything else is what stresses me as they aren’t exactly healthy! we try and get low salt, high meat content etc but still, not ideal.