I want to get off and have a break

[Fedthefuckup22]

Five year old is currently having a tantrum about not being able to do what she wants. She's normally beautiful and wonderful. She needs constant entertainment and flits from activity to activity. She never tidies up and she's gorgeously exhausting.

Then there's the 8 year old who's been referred for autism assessments. He's bright and clever but also wants lots of interaction. He sometimes plays with his sister but while she's creative and carefree, he likes order and logic.

I work full-time as a teacher. Husband is full-time in banking. We have no additional help from family as they are too far away and too busy with siblings, which is another thread. We have no break at all. School holidays are not a break. In fact, work is easier. Husband and I have no patience for kids, let alone each other.

This weekend I've taken them to swimming lesson, walk round local wildlife park. We've made Lego models, done puzzles, had a take away. We've done some tidying and popped to the shops. Yet I never feel it's enough. I never got entertained as a kid. Weekends were just a continuation of my parents shifts.

They both wake up early, 5am most days. Husband and I are so tired. People have told us just to put them in front of some cartoons for an hour but they want to play. I feel so guilty at the weekends when I need to do school prep. It can often be for 4 hours minimum. We have wrap around care in the morning and after school but I hate leaving them too late as it just feels tight.

Youngest one doesn't eat anything unless it's beige. As a consequence I have given up cooking elaborate things or too many fresh meals as it just gets wasted. She never eats fruit or veg.

If you're still reading, thank you. To add, first child was ivf so feel like I cannot complain about how tough it can be.

I'm just tired of husband being down, grumpy and short-tempered. I'm tired of feeling so tired and upset. I'm sad that we rarely get help. I want my children to have a better diet. I'm sad I'm putting on weight. I'm just so tired of being like this.

I don't know what I want people to say. Please don't reply if you're going to be nasty. I just cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment. House feels like it's constantly just been burgled.

Not sure I have any advice, but just wanted to say ' I hear you!'

Don't feel like there is ever a real break. Weekends are just more chores (taking 5 mins on here inbetween doing various 'life admin' chores). House a shit heap too. No help here either.

Yeah, I hear you.

Thanks @Attractinglife

It's just relentless isn't it. Maybe book in some holiday clubs in the summer just so you can have some time to yourself?!

Do you teach primary or secondary? Any gained time to take the edge off? Can you pick a day to leave work earlier and just go for a little walk by yourself before you pick the kids up? Even just 15/ 20 minutes might be a little buffer before you get home and it all starts again!

Oh and you absolutely can still complain about things being hard! I'm sure you're doing a great job.

I hear you op. We're constantly busy and have no family help also. Our youngest is autistic , and although wonderful , is sometimes hard to manage. We're constantly tidying and making adjustments for him. There's no time for us as a couple , or as individuals.

One thing I will say is to try to simplify everything. Buy convenience where you can. We eat a lot of ready meals and anything cooked from scratch is a one pot dish. Our shopping is delivered , our furniture is cheap and easy to wipe clean. We'd love a cleaner but can't afford one! See if you can cut some corners and buy some time for yourself.

Do you have a Switch? That is the one thing guaranteed to keep my kids busy and quiet. It comes out at weekend mornings so we can drink coffee in peace and quiet.

I hear you OP. There's no point saying 'here's how to get them to stay in bed later' or 'you should take up yoga' 🙄 Parenting is hard work! There are no quick fixes or we'd all be living in bliss.

My two are relentless at the moment (I dint even work full time! We have no family or support network here.) My 4yo can get himself up, play, get dressed, grab a drink and some fruit, clears up after himself, does independent art all day. He's really wonderful. But so high energy and emotional - meeting him on his level is exhausting. And I'm trying to wean a high needs toddler. Everyone has advice but you're in the boat alone!

I have been dreaming lately that somebody will one day offer to make me a cup of tea! My son's two bfs always seem to come here for playdates - I've never had a reciprocal offer, even though one is our neighbor! I'm feeling much the same as you - tired, grumpy, gaining weight, guilty. If someone did invite me for tea I'd probably cry!

Oh, and you are entitled to complain! Momming is a tough deal no matter how you got here.

I’m totally with you. I constantly feel like running away and “FML” is a regular phrase (mine are almost 4, though additional needs so really 2.5 developmentally, and 19 months).

im working 28 hours a week and though husband is great, mental load always falls to me

my kids have too much tv and work is easier. I’m drinking far more than I should and I’m fatter than I’ve ever been - can’t get in my normal clothes and wearing maternity stuff

youre not alone. I’m sure there’s a few of us in this boat. I don’t know what else to say other than I hear you x

You need a break. Can you afford a babysitter at the weekend? We pay a local teenage to come and play with our 5 yro

Parenting and working full time is brutal. I went part time for this reason, I have one day off a week when they are at school. Goes so fast but I feel better for it. Would finances / jobs allow that?

Have they got iPads or similar? My children get those at about 4 o’clock so I can cook in peace.

What happens if you don’t play with them?

Could you drop a day at work? If only for a term or two, to get your energy levels back?

Sorry if you don’t want suggestions, sometimes we need a moan. I have three and the youngest is autistic and I’m either at work or with him. No family help.

Im going to book my older two into summer club for a week so I can have an actual break and my husband will take some days off.

Holiday clubs would be a good suggestion, are there any near you? Try and ditch the guilt (easier said than done I know), so what if they watch too much tv and eat beige food ... and just say 'no' to constant playing. I never 'played' with my DS.

It’s tough op, it is shit you get no outside help I get that as neither do i I feel I’m on this rollercoaster I cannot get off, 4 kids youngest asd & adhd and I’m just tired!
holdiay Clubs or childminder in summer to give you some respite to take care of yourself? That is as important as anything else. Maybe your dh could take one of those days for you to have time together. You might need to be creative and take turns with the kids so the other can have some time but I totally understand how tired you must be. 💐

Thanks so much everyone. Didn't think I'd get much traffic. I'll try and answer some questions.

Cannot afford to be part time unfortunately but looking into getting a cleaner from September.

Away on holidays abroad for two weeks in August. A holiday we should have had in 2020. Husband has already suggested kids club while at hotel but I have major anxiety issues about the kids and I'm really over protective.

I feel a fair bit of resentment too with the lack of support. It's not that grandparents don't want to help. They can't as they do so much for the respective siblings. This really gets to me. And because we seemingly 'manage' , nobody ever offers. I've told my mum how tired, pissed me off and down I am but she has no way of support. She's unable to drive and then just witters on about my single parent sister.

The kids have just had two weeks half term so we are at the end of our rope. I think I've interacted with them so much in their early years, the teacher in me has wanted to nurture, provide, support etc....that they aren't capable at times of just doing something alone.

I am there with you, although I had a slight reprieve (mine are older teen and two pre teens)
They are only a few years apart and the 0-5 years were horrific, I actually do not remember most of it. Full on, tantrums, lack of sleep and kids entertainment.
They calmed down once they were all over 6 but now hitting the teen and pre teen years and honestly it is like they have regressed, the moaning, whinging constant arguing!
I, like you, think I never let them get bored when they were younger and we did so much they just can't seem to entertain themselves, although this is getting better.

Some things have got easier, like sleep, not up at 5am anymore and they sort themselves out in the morning, I even get the odd tea in bed.
It is relentless though and I think modern living hasn't helped with the constant flow of activities you feel you need to do and the technology they all need etc.
Sometimes I dream of selling up and moving to the country just so I can go for long walks with the dogs on my own and hear my own thoughts again.

Also lack of support is a problem for us too, no one ever offers, we always have to ask.
Those that do live close to us, talk about having the children but never do and if we ask them to (which is rare) we are made to almost feel bad for asking.

This is not a criticism, but it’s never too late to let them get bored and find things to do. There may well be a lot of complaining at first, but they do get into it.

I think you are doing too much with them. Just let them play by themselves, or together. I too am guilty of constantly planning activities and honestly sometimes, the more low key the better. I. E Park, library, etc.

I have an 5 and an 8 year old and we have 'quiet hour' which is the hour where they play together, or in their bedroom. No pestering of parents!

Definitely send them to the kids club on holiday.

With regards to food, have the kids eat 'crudites' (veg sticks). Especially works if they are watching TV.
Sometimes if you call something a different word, they eat it. Same with 'tapas' - tons of leftovers all put in the middle of the table and kids pick what they want.

We also have fruit course - literally a piece of fruit every day after dinner.

Sometimes I dream of selling up and moving to the country just so I can go for long walks with the dogs on my own and hear my own thoughts again

^

O yeah

😊👍

I hear you.

Also a teacher. Mine are older but I am still in the relentless years of pick ups drop offs, organise/be in a million places each week, trying to do my job and keep a house running. And I don't have SEN child to deal with like you do.

I often think "stop the world, I want to get off". It's rubbish. School has been just SO intense this year, without anything outside of work to deal with. I totally get it

Summer holiday club sounds a great idea, just one day a week would make it easier! Definitely look into it.

You are making rods for your own back, OP.
You interact non stop with the DC then complain you never get a break from them and they can’t entertain themselves.
Your DH suggests kids’ club on holiday, but you are over anxious/protective and won’t agree.
I think you need to take a deep breath and a step back. Block in some “me time” each day, reduce your helicopter parenting, provide some toys and tell your DC to play quietly on their own. Gradually extend the length of time they are expected to self entertain.
Outings should be fun for all of you, not a chore to be endured. Have them a little less often, but to places that you can enjoy too.
My DDs loved forest, beach and hill walks, as do I. We all enjoyed swimming, visiting castles, going to the zoo, but we didn’t do these things every weekend! Sometimes they just played in the fields behind my garden.
Finally, don’t begrudge the extra help your single parent sister gets. She needs it far more. And I speak as a single parent for virtually my DDs entire childhood - DH died when they were both babies. I had no relatives within 250 miles, no help, and a stressful job as a hospital doctor- it was gruelling.