Feel like I'm failing - 3 year old so horrible to other children

[OldManRivers]

As per the title I'm so upset with my 3 year olds behaviour around other children. When she's in nursery she's fine. When at home with myself and DH she is awful to other kids. We frequently socialise with friends with children the same age and I've come to dread doing this as I'm so on edge. She will shout in their faces to go home (if they come to us) she will under no circumstances share anything, she tries to kick sometimes.

Today we removed her from a play date and took her home as she wouldn't listen to anything. She was then distraught.

If we are in a park and she is on a swing she will not let another child have a go unless I physically drag her off it kicking and screaming.

She used to share so nicely until she was just before 3, never had a problem at all. I'm finding it so embarrassing as well as I can see people disliking my child and it breaks my heart as she is a sweet little soul. What am I doing wrong?

If we are in a park and she is on a swing she will not let another child have a go unless I physically drag her off it kicking and screaming

why is it more import that she get off something, that she’s having fun playing on, than for another child to wait their turn?

when I look back at how I tied myself in knots trying to make DS behave oh so perfectly I could weep. I was copying my DM’s parenting but DS was very different. I actually think a lot of the issues were him reacting to me trying to micromanage him. It makes me sad tbh. She may be picking up on you being on edge and it’s affecting her behaviour. Could you rope one of your friends in to tell her “please don’t do that” if she’s doing something to one of the other children? Kids sometimes react far better to someone else telling them off.

Thanks and I take your point - I do hate doing it but I mean she will stay on for 45 mins and be more inclined to do it if someone is waiting. Today we were somewhere with one tree swing, an organised activity, and she wanted to stay on it the whole time. Another boy wanted a turn and she wouldn't get off and blew a raspberry at him. The other mother went "yuk" at her. It was awful.

So it’s possible that when she it at home with you then she wants you and DH all to herself.
it’s about setting expectations, giving warnings eg 5 more pushes and then you are getting off and then conting down 5,4,3,2,1 and giving warnings eg after the next push it’s time to get off. Immediate compliance is unlikely so a reminder. It’s time to get off now do you want to play in the sandpit or climb the tower.
If she insists on staying on then just take her off and ignore the tantrum.
Unpleasant to other children then move away, and if it happens again warnings and consequences @Inthesky42 has great advice
Its also about being confident in your parental authority. And maybe also giving her some one on one time to go the park/walk etc alone and see if that helps.
they are not called threenagers for nothing

We frequently socialise with friends with children the same age and I've come to dread doing this as I'm so on edge

The level of socialising you are expecting her to do is clearly too much for her. It might be fine for some kids but she is letting you know the only way she can that she personally needs more family only time.

She's 3 and a half.

If she behaves nicely with others at nursery but not with you, she's likely playing up because it gets her your attention. So, dial back the playdates and pile on the love and quality time.

Pick your battles and remember children develop at different rate. Would her having a set of toys used for sharing make her better behaved? Separate from her own personal toys. On of my dc didn't like sharing toys or food. So he used to have two different boxes of toys. One for him personally and the other box for sharing with guests.

This was a short phase, it lasted maximum two months.

Did the places not have more than one tree swing? If not, didnt they have other activities that the other children could have used?
Honestly speaking, with ds2 I used to time him. I carried around a small hour ⌛ clock, to help him visualise when his time was up. He didn't like it, but he would get off when time ran out.

Good luck and enjoy your time together.

Thanks for the advice. The way we deal with it at the moment is we do explain beforehand what is happening and set expectations, we give warnings and talk about kind hands etc. On the swings we will do the "10 more pushes" but the tantrums are very extreme and so we end up wrestling with her and she is so strong willed she will cry for ages.

The main thing that concerns me is how she is when interacting with other children though, snatching, scratching - wanting every toy for herself. If a child picks up a toy she wasn't interested in she suddenly wants it just because they have it and will kick up an almighty fuss.

I've asked nursery about her behaviour and they say she has no problems there and is very social so I think it is predominantly limited to around us but she has done it when being cared for by her grandparents as well.

Is this normal for 3 year olds or would you say more of a behavioural problem?

I would say this has been going on for about 6 months so far- very long for a phase?

I absolutely love spending time with her and prefer our one on one time as she is generally really well behaved with me and we have a great time, I just worry about this behaviour a lot and I think other friends with kids are backing away from us.

Honestly I think you just need to power through it. Maybe role play sharing/turn taking at home with her and look at some books on it. Then before visiting friends/the park explain what needs to happen. Like ‘we need to take turns so everyone can play. If you are silly or rude we need to leave and go home. If you are polite and share then we can stay and play longer.’ Then stick to it. Eventually she will grasp that screaming/refusing to take turns etc means she can’t play at all, while appropriate sharing and turn taking means she can stay longer and enjoy playing.

Also (I know it sounds daft) loads of how do they feel talk. So when looking at hooks where someone screams at their friends ‘how does the friend feel? What should the girl do instead? She should say no thank you/no I don’t want to/let’s take turns together.’ Basically giving her the tools to be assertive and solve problems without being aggressive.

Great advice from @nrlysp. Issue warning 3 more pushes on swing, count down 3,2,1, time to get off and someone else have a turn.

If at a friend's house and has a tantrum sorry sweety you must be tired we are going home. Be consistent, every time she tantrums when out, we are going home. Eventually she will join the dots, if I tantrum Mum makes me go home.

You say she is sweet but other children won't think so if she kicks them and won't take turns.

I think I would have a little word before taking her anywhere. Remind her sharing is nice. Children who won't share heave to go home early. See if it sinks in.

You are right on to o tackle to his now to though. The longer you let her get be away with bad behaviour the more ingrained it will become. The fact she behaves at nursery means she is capable of good behaviour so is choosing to behave badly whilst with.ypu.

Sympathy OP. My DS2 was a very determined strong willed toddler who would hit other children - it was awful. He is now a really lovely 12yo who is kind to other kids and does his homework without being asked!

Hang in there OP. It will get better.

How’s your girly getting on now? Going through similar with my son!