Don’t feel cut out for this :(

[Catchingrainbows]

My LG is 10 weeks old, she’s adorable. The sweetest thing ❤️
But I just feel like a rubbish Mum :(

I’m trying really hard to get her in a routine, watch her awake windows, cues etc . I feel the schedules, instagram sleep coaches etc add to my anxiety of “am i doing this right?!”

She generally goes to bed 7:30/8:30 and wakes between 12/2 for a feed then 4 and sleeps until 6ish.

I really struggle some nights to sleeo when she’s sleeping, some nights are better than others but last night I must have only got 2 hours maybe between her feeds.

I am so tearful today, I feel like a rubbish Mum. I feel stupid that I didn’t think it would be like this and OH even says to me “what did you expect it to be like”

He works hard and does help but he doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. He doesn’t do many night feeds, when he says he will, he doesn’t wake up.

I just feel Ive lost who I am, Ive still got a stone in weight to loose, have a 2nd degree tear thats still healing, not had my period yet. Just feel so rubbish, need sleep and doubting I’ll ever be a good mum and enjoy life right now :(

So sorry to sound so dismall.

Are you breastfeeding? If not, then this weekend take yourself into the spare room for a night and get your DH to deal with the baby. Get some rest!

I'd also think about speaking to your HV and checking whether you might have a touch of PND. It's very common, and can be very successfully treated.

No not breast feeding, I will suggest that.
I dont know why im worried about going to the GP / HV about PND, I don’t want to just be put on tablets and be reliant.

It's also really really early days. Routines and newborns don't always work. Relax a little, stop comparing yourself to others (people don't always tell the truth!)
Your DH sounds a bit useless. When he says he's going to do a feed, wake him up! Don't let him be 'asleep'

I know, it’s really frustrating and I feel I get no where with trying to reasoning with him

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I found that a more baby led approach worked for us , not worrying about wake windows etc. feeding on demand (though we were breastfeeding so maybe a bit easier) and just going with what felt natural. It helped to reduce my anxiety to just follow her lead and worry less about the right or wrong way of doing things.

Wake him or better still you sleep downstairs. Try to nap at weekends.

Honestly don’t worry about routines she is still little. Try ditching the sleep guidance and use your gut but remember some times there is no right or wrong decision when it comes to sleep and the worst can happen is things are unexpected but that’s life with children especially babies.

Most PND is triggered by circumstances change AND hormone/chemical imbalance. If you had another hormone imbalance eg thyroid or if you were low iron you would treat it. You won’t be worried about being reliant on it. Most mental illness is a physical illness which effects the mind so do seek treatment. The most important thing I learnt about parenting is Mum is the centre of the family, if you don’t look after yourself you can’t look after others. It took me ages to learn and I’m not great at always doing it but it is so important.

It sounds like your lo is doing well so you must be doing a good job. Just go easier on yourself. Have you joined any Mum and Baby groups eg baby massage or baby social? They are really for you to make Mum friends and get adult interaction. It’s fine is your baby sleeps or cries through them.

It gets easier I promise.

Be kind to yourself, your body will take a long time to heal, so let it take time. Don't worry about the weight loss, the most important thing is you looking after yourself and in turn seeing to your baby who sounds like she is doing fine.

Definitely hand over baby responsibilities to the Dad, let him take sole care of her for a day while you chill. Let him figure stuff out just like you did. Don't fall into weekends being family time if it means he never gets to be one on one with his daughter, it is good for bonding.

No doubt he will play the tired card, yes you are both tired but your body has just grown a human inside of it and now needs time to recover. Also you are tired during the day and don't have the option to hand over responsibility to someone else, he needs to experience this too. Dh was hands on from day one. I had a lie in every Sunday once the children weren't breastfeeding and he dealt with them both.

I was lucky that social media was not around when I had my children. Instagram is full of lies, people only post the best of themselves. Take any help offered to you from lovely friends or family. And stop being so hard on yourself. Babies are not machines, every one of the is an individual, you are doing fine.

That night routine is fab for a 10 week old!
10 weeks is so tiring. 10 weeks of sleep deprivation.

Thank you all so much
Your replies are encouraging and have brought tears to my eyes
I am going to wake Dad up and not worry about it
Going to focus on recovery alot more and really try not to put so much pressure on myself
Thank you

You have put so much pressure on yourself!! A routine or schedule at 10 weeks?? Unheard of! try going with a baby led approach - a routine will gradually fall into place without having to force it! At ten weeks I still had all my baby weight, bleeding, suffering from night sweats, post natal insomnia is a thing and I had it badly!! 7 months on and I feel much more like my old self. Honestly be kind to yourself x

That’s a great routine for ten weeks. I loved having a routine, yours is more regular than ours was at that age! It’s just a completely knackering age and really unrewarding and colicky and grim. Deffo get DP to do one or both nights at weekends! And you could try a dream feed if you enjoy routine, that was the key for us so I could sleep solidly from bedtime til the 4am feed.

Thank you
I am thinking of doing a dream feed!

I have an 11 week old and a lot of what you say about routines etc resonated with me. A couple of things that have helped me the past few weeks 1) my Mum told me every baby is different as to when they’ll do things like sleep through the night or even how often they feed and how much. Even two babies in the same family can be polar opposites - there’s no right or wrong routine and they’ll fall naturally into place. And 2) each week I think of all the little “firsts” we’ve had, not only the obvious milestones like smiling etc but even silly little things like the first time DD slept in her crib rather than on me, first time she self-settled in the pram without being rocked, and to me all those little things are progress. You’ve got this :)

It sounds like you're doing great!
Definitely get your partner to do some nights for you. Mine never hears the baby and I have to wake him but that's still a lot better than actually fully waking up to feed etc.

My baby had absolutely zero routine at that age. I was led by him. If he was crying or grumbly I checked if he needed a feed or a nappy change and if not, I would hold him or rock him as he was usually tired. At that age he only really napped on me or in his bouncer. At about 5 or 6 months his naps naturally became more regular and I started noticing a bit of a pattern. Once I could get him to nap in his cot (I started trying this around 6 months) I would put him down for a proper nap. Even now at 8 months I know he will usually have 2 naps, one in the morning and one in the afternoon but I'm still led by him and only try and put him down for one if he's telling me he's tired. Which means we sometimes have 3!

I found being led by him on sleep so much less stressful, and I'm someone who loves a routine usually! But everytime I try and "make him" nap at a certain time I spend an hour fighting him and it's just not worth it.

Be kind to yourself, newborns are hard and sleep deprivation is awful 💚

Make sure you go to bed when baby goes to bed. If that means 7.30pm then so be it! It won't last forever

Congrats on your baby, sounds like you are doing really well OP. It’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed at just 10 weeks.

Good advice above about going to bed when baby settles, whatever the time in the evening, DH & I used to do this, I would go to bed at 7:30ish, DH would take care of baby until he came to bed 11pm or so, then I would get up when baby woke in the early hours. Sleep deprivation is just the worst thing. I didn’t enjoy not spending the evenings with DH, but in the early days, just do whatever you need to, to survive.

Also if you have a mum/mil/close friend, that offers to help, please accept it. My late MIL was an absolute angel when I had my two boys, helped us so much.

Wishing you all the best OP, it does get easier.

Get. Off. Instagram.

Those accounts exist to make money out of the anxieties of exhausted new parents, and/or because American maternity leave is virtually nonexistent so mums there have huge pressure do something which is, essentially completely unnatural (have a baby sleeping through alone at 12 weeks).

You don't need them. Your baby doesn't need a routine (unless that's something you fancy). Nothing bad will happen if her wake window is too long, ask someone your parents age what a wake window is. They'll likely have no idea, and you're here and just fine.

You're a great mum, you are absolutely the best mum for your baby. This bit is really hard but it's going to get easier. You'll sleep again. And my god, enjoy not having your period! I was devastated when mine came back. And then again the next month. Fucks sake, I'd completely forgotten how annoying they are

It pisses me off that bloody baby books are to blame for this! Routines and cues and all that shit is made up for people to make money, our parents never had any of this and we turned out ok ish haha. Honestly, chill. Stop comparing yourself and stop trying to live up to what some random decided was best parenting practice and go with your instincts

Baby’s don’t need routines when they’re that young. Just follow her lead. She’ll eat when she’s hungry and sleep when she’s tired.

And stay off social media. It is full of very harmful and inaccurate portrayals of parenting.

You’re doing amazing I promise.

Throw all the books away, she’s tiny. You don’t need a routine at this age. Focus on healing and just enjoying being together without worrying about whether she should be asleep/awake etc.

You are not a rubbish mum ❤️

A lot of what you said resonated with me OP. My DD is nearly 8 weeks old and my goodness, it's been tough. I love her to pieces but the sleep deprivation, the feeding problems the colic and reflux... there have been many tears from me! I have about 1.5 stone to lose and I just generally look like a bag of crap all the time, BUT my DD doesn't know or care whether I weigh 1.5 stone more than my pre pregnancy weight. She doesn't know or care whether my clothes have sick on, whether I've brushed my hair or whether I'm wearing the same black leggings again. And neither does your little one. All they know and care about is you. You're doing an amazing job, keep going mama ❤️

My son is 6 months old and I still remember the early days. Nobody tells you the truth of how hard it is going to be! I remember missing my old life yet loving him and feeling guilty for missing my old life. Forget about comparing your baby to other babies and what you think you "should" be doing. I would have loved that sleep routine at 10 weeks as my son didn't go to bed until 10:30pm so I had no evenings!
It sounds like you are doing a great job and in a great routine already so take heart in that. If you little one is good to take out, go out for lunch or for coffee and a bun and take her with you if you can't get OH to mind her while you do as I find a little treat just gives you a little lift.
I'm trying to think back and I remember one of the last really wobbly days I had with my son was when he was about 10 weeks. I would become really sad and have a cry to myself. The hormones in your system and lack of sleep really take a toll. One big thing for me was that my hubby started to get up with our son on Saturday morning and I'd have a ly on and that he'd have his on Sunday so we each got a bit more sleep at weekends and that helped massively. Also, not sure if you are a napper, but I found when my son had a nap and I was really tired, I'd sleep on the couch while he was having his sleep. It really does get easier so don't lose heart! I think we forget how massive a transition it is to motherhood so cut yourself some slack - the fact you care so much says everything and that alone proves you are a great mum and want the best for her but just go easy on yourself and find your own rhythm. Remember the Insta pages push the ideal so we'll buy into their offering but the ideal doesn't always work in reality - the best way is to talk to parents who have been there.

Get off instacrap for a start. It didn’t exist when I had mine. No one needs it at all.
I had routines but to be honest both of mine more or less suited that way - it wasn’t hard work. Other friends went with the flow, that suited them. There is no one right way.
Regarding husband doing night feeds, mine did Friday and Saturday nights and I did the rest as he was working. I had to wake him but he’d get up and do it. Don’t martyr yourself.

Guys, thank you so much.
OH did more night feeds over the weekend and I do too have to wake him up but as you say it’s better than nothing (how do they sleep through?! Aha)

My LO has got a bit of an issue with feeding, really fussy on the bottle at times and looks like she’s in pain etc … been going on since 7 weeks old and have changed formula etc etc
Suspecting silent reflux or CMPA, got a doctors appointment later so we will see how that goes.

Feel better than I did when I first originally posted this, thank you all. I feel lucky to have this community too.

Spent the day with M yesterday so that was also nice to have the support.

Totally coming off the insta pages.

x

what you are feeling is totally normal for the first trimester and it will start to feel easier and better day by day

There was a study that says it can take on average 4 months or so to adjust fully to having a little one and to feel a semblance of normal physically

it’s totally life changing and I for one underestimated how life changing it was

please don’t think about routines - that’s such an early age to do so.

also don’t worry about weight loss - your body has been through something huge - it needs time to recover

just take each day as it comes and know it will get easier. Look after yourself mentally - you are doing an amazing job and one day you will look back and realise that! No mum ever sails through this period (unless they have nannies and night nannies perhaps but not even then)- so ignore what you see on insta