Encouraging independance in laid back 3yr old....

[KaySamuels]

any ideas??

My ds is 3 and has just started preschool. He is laid back and takes his time with everything, and I need to find approaches to get him to be more independent. Things like putting his coat and shoes on himself, that kind of thing.

He is my one and only child so I have never been in a hurry for him to grow up - but he is in no way babied - he has always been ahead of development milestones. He seems reluctant to do some things himself I guess, he has a beaker even though he can drink perfectly well from a cup, he prefers a beaker. He also doesn't like to sit on the toilet so poos in his pants but wees great into the toilet, and has excellent control and awareness.

Do you think I am expecting too much from him, or do you think he should be doing more and if so how can I get him to??

Kay you might find preschool gives him some of these skills as a matter of course.

He sounds a bit like my ds1 apart from the toileting ( he was like that until about 2 and a half however)

Ds1 still, however, delays putting on shoes, coat, etc, except when he really wants to go somewhere and then he will be ready in 20 seconds and standing at the door. Apparently at school there is no problem at all.

You may want to use the age-old incentives: star charts, saving up for a favourite toy etc. Also ask him to help you get out to preschool on time, etc, as he is such a big helpful boy (ds1 responds somewhat to flattery!) but also make it clear you want things done when you ask for them and he will not be getting his treats/rewards if he doesn't do it...

Thanks dg, Yes I am hoping preschool helps him along, just don't want him to be the only kid in the class who can't put his coat and shoes on!

I may start holding back treats and doing a star chart, tried this with the toilet thing though and he just isn't bothered but it's been a while.

He was keen to get ready to go today and put his hat on himself (albeit wonky).

He's only three, no need to hurry. Pre-school will be good for encouraging his independance. My 7yo and 5yo still like to have their bedtime milk in a beaker, even though they don't need to. It's just nice and comfy for them (and we don't object because less milk gets spilt on the bed).

The only thing you need to work on (IMO) is the pooing in his pants. It might help to have a very secure toilet seat insert, perhaps the sort with a back so it's more like a potty chair and a set of steps up to the toilet so that he can climb up and down easily, and have his feet firmly supported while he sits. Don't withhold any treats as a result of pooing in his pants, instead reward any step towards pooing in the loo.

Thanks PC, his toilet troubles are a real worry for me - his beaker is his comforter, and he too has it in his bed (totally agree about not wanting milk spilt upstairs).

I have gone through so many potty/toilet seat options I have lost count but will try and find one like you have described, anything is worth a try. Will hunt one down and do a reward chart I think.

He could well be picking up on your worries. Not in the sense of wanting to trigger a reaction in you (though that is of course a possibility) but in the sense that 'if mummy is worried then there must be something worrying about it'.

the trouble he has had is comfort I think. He is big for his age so potty and potty chair too small, then tried step and toilet seat but was too small and also think was too cold (our toilet is very cold), then got squishy soft toilet seat but too small.

Parenting is a minefield of worrying isn' it! Don't react to poos btw, just clean him up and remind him gently that he can poo in the toilet.

I think being reluctant to poo in the loo is very common. Ds wasn't keen on it for ages, kept going back to his potty (and we only got him using that by trying several different ones). Good luck finding a step/seat combination that works!

Coat/shoes etc. I wouldn't stress about - ds would still rather Mummy did it even though he's now 4 and has started reception. If I'm around, I'm suppose to wait on him hand and foot, clearly. If he's at school or at the childminder's he's perfectly capable of doing it himself. I think your 3yo will probably get to grips with it in his own time, certainly wouldn't worry about him at this age.

Only thing that works if we want him to put on his own coat and shoes is to turn it into a competition. So dh will say 'quick, put on your stuff before Mummy comes and surprise her'. Problem is, I then have to hang around for five minutes without ds seeing me so it's a surprise.

What about this, plus steps. We have one and it was excellent for ds1.