How do you help your children become more assertive?

[Pocket1]

DD8 is very sweet and is happy when others are happy. She’s not lacking in confidence, but doesn’t assert herself and just seems to accept her place, sometimes being left out when her group of 3 needs to form a pair and she’s ditched mainly because one girl is controlling and desperate for attention all the time.

If someone hurts DD or let’s her down, she will not confront them as she hate conflict and finds these situations scary and unpredictable.

She’s in tears today as one of the bossy and loud girls in her class has told her they have to be partners on an up and coming overnight school thing. DD is scared of this girl who shouts if she doesn’t get her own way.

How do I help DD toughen up and be less scared?

I would asked she was switched partners overnights with a girl she’s scared of is not the time to hope she’ll be more assertive. You have my sympathies as I have similar with ds nearly 8.

Joining as my girl lacks confidence and assertiveness too.

It’s a big problem in our patriarchal society, where girls are brainwashed to be sweet, unassertive, meek little people pleasers - they even have t shirts with “be kind” on them, to enforce it.
You need to tackle this now, OP, as it gets very much worse when they hit puberty.
Have you considered a martial arts self defence class? Being encouraged to defend herself physically, building her strength and confidence, is hugely helpful in this respect.
My own DD did krav maga, and our village hall runs children’s karate sessions.
Acting in a kids drama group at the local theatre is also good for projecting her voice and owning a space.
You also need to work on her self esteem- give her compliments that are not related to her appearance, but to her handling of situations, her courage, or her schoolwork.
She may never be brash and bumptious (and wouldn’t want to be), but there is a lot that can be done to improve things for her.

Thanks. She's done drama clubs before and it's definitely helped her grow in confidence and become more articulate.

Ive always tried to do lots of compliments and praise for all things other than looks eg working hard, being brave, trying her best etc.

Self defence is a great idea. I've been meaning to look into Krav Maga for a while and will do so now. Interestingly all the aforementioned mean girls do karate after school (DD does a sport else instead) but I'll look into doing something away from school

I have emailed the teacher about the overnight - she's assured me she will in control of who shares with who on the overnight so I'm less stressed about this now

I was going to suggest martial arts too. DD does Taekwon Do and the club has a real focus on building confidence. I have also made sure she feels empowered to stand up for herself. She doesn’t always have to be “nice” to everyone - we will always have her back regardless.

I think you need to look at how she's learnt this behaviour. Does she see you being assertive? Is there doormat behaviour on display in the adult relationships around her? What happens when she tries to assert herself or state a preference or hold a boundary at home? If she says she doesn't want to eat X, or doesn't want to do Y, and those are reasonable requests, is she overruled? Is there a lot of shouting/stern behaviour at home?

Harsh reply. DD is growing up in a happy and loving home where her views and decisions are not only celebrated but encouraged!

I let them answer me back and don't shame or scare them for stating their strong opinions to me eg if they disagree with me or think I've done something wrong. I don't allow them to name call or be actively rude but I praise them when they assert themselves well at home.

I find this so hard because it's a careful balance between people pleaser (me) and bossy. I realise the latter is a gendered term but in the past when I've suggested DD(7) be more assertive it's often resulted her then bossing people about and not being inclusive. I've tried to push inclusivity as important - don't leave people out etc. I have no solutions really.

Ive always tried to do lots of compliments and praise for all things other than looks eg working hard, being brave, trying her best etc.

You are teaching her to expect, or need, "lots of compliments and praise".

A confident assured person has their own values and doesn't need constant reinforcement, "likes" on social media etc.

On one hand you want your daughter to be assertive yet on the other hand you're calling another assertive girl at school "bossy" and "loud"

Maybe your daughter doesn't want to be seen as bossy and loud.

No I'm not, I'm teaching her to know her efforts and values are valid. And these are more important than being beautiful or being the best.

There's a world of difference between being bossy and loud, and having your voice heard and being listened to.

OP - this is a post from 2 years ago. I'd like to know how hour DD is now. My 7 yo is very similar and I don't know how to help her.

P.s. not sure why you got a hard time from some of the posters. 🙄