(Nearly) 4 year old listening

[meow1989]

Hi all,

Just after either some tips or some reassurance that ds will grow out of the below really!

Ds (only child) is 4 in a few weeks. He's a kind, very loving, funny and cheeky child. He is very bright (more into numbers than reading but incredibly articulate) and is on higher centres for weight and height so can appear older than he is sometimes, but with regards to emotional intelligence he's very much his age if that makes sense. I do see quite a lot of myself in him in a slightly defiant steak and "wind up merchant" attitude if I'm brutally honest with myself 😳

Hes recently been really struggling with listening and as had had more "bad days" at nursery than good - he will do silly things to wind up classmates, or won't listen to instructions, there have been a few incidents of hitting out at friends in frustration. We see all of this behaviour at home too but obviously are more able to let smaller things slide (or the opposite- focus more heavily on management) than when there's x other children to worry about. He goes to nursery 2 days a week, grandparents 2 days (one each set) and I have him the other.

Ds does take things to heart a lot - he's he's very upset lately as some other children has said he is a naughty boy (in fairness to them, this is in response to him being disruptive or not sharing) and he will say he is a bad boy because he hasn't listened.

We (dh and i) do a lot of positive reinforcement ("you're not naughty or bad, sometimes you do do naughty things though" "I love you but I didn't like it when you behaved x y or z") and also try to set boundaries - picking battles too. Dh and I set reasonable short term consequences that we follow through on and will also ask ds to take some time to calm down if he's getting wound up. We mirror nursery approach and tell him to tell a teacher is he's unhappy about something rather than hitting out etc.

I do feel though, that not listening is also a normal 4 year old thing and at least a small part of it is a simple lack of impulse control because his mind is going a million miles an hour, which he can't control. I also don't want to punish behaviour that's been dealt qith at nursery so whilst we discuss reasons for behaviour or what could he do next time, I don't like to dwell on "bad days".

I think my worry is that he is going to get a reputation as being a naughty child when he genuinely isn't, mindful that he will be one of the youngest at school come September. I feel like other children are golden angels who even if they're challenging at home, do as they're told at nursery. I jnow this is a case of insta tinted glasses, but can some of you please tell me that your kids have also been little sods at this age and grown our of it?

At nursery yesterday my 3y8mo apparently told the staff "I don't need my listening ears today, I know more than you". Then he sat on his friends head. So your ds sounds fairly normal ime . . .

We have the same split of childcare as you do and he's totally different in each setting.

I also think my ds is starting to outgrow nursery/preschool and therefore more likely to mess around and cause trouble. Especially if your ds is good at numbers etc perhaps he's just really ready to move on?

Thanks @dunefan I know I'm being a bit pfb its just hard hearing other people speak about your child as les than perfect (whoch obviously mine is ) - I get anxiety on the drive up to get him!

I think you're right and I think he will thrive at school, I just don't want that to be overshadowed by people thinking he's naughty.

I think it’s going to be totally different for your DS in September when his week is more consistent - school (and wraparound care) and home. At that age having 3 childcare providers must be confusing for a spirited child who is still learning the rules. Even if the providers make a real effort to be consistent, it’s hard.

Aw I am totally pfb about my ds, I don't think you come across that way at all, sounds like you really understand what makes him tick.

I think that's also a fair point @pizzapatel - I don't regret the split thus far as I think it's been really important for him to have the relationship with his grandparents, and ots so lovely to see (though my mum in particular is definately the softest). I think a firm routine will do him good though.

DD 4 and a half has been doing this on and off since she turned 4 so I hear you! She can be a right pain with not listening especially. She went through a wonderful phase a few months ago of having utter tantrums at soft play or similar with her friends when she couldn’t get her own way, it was such a nightmare and so mortifying! Until I realised that her peers were also going through similar phases. She’s out of the tantrums now thank god, just was a phase she went through (new baby and new house probably wasn’t helpful!) Her nursery staff and friends with older kids literally said the same thing - ‘ready for school’ and I can definitely see it. I also don’t punish her if the nursery has already dealt with it and she’ll often bring things up with me if she’s been told off and then we have a little chat from there.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right stuff, just remain consistent, keep good boundaries in place and he’ll start levelling out. DD is 100% capable of being as much of a bugger at nursery as she is at home!

@DuneFan thats really tickled me 😂 there’s times that I honestly find this sort of age so much more challenging than terrible twos

I was going to say the same as pizzapatel....it has its benefits and may be unavoidable but over 7 days he has to function in 4 environments which is quite a lot. I know from adults who do similar (multi jobs) that it can be quite stressful.......

My DS was very similar at that age OP! 3 was when he started having “bad” days at nursery, winding up of other children, refusing to do what he was asked.

He started school nursery when he was around 3.9 and was better there I think, far from perfect but the increased class size (40 children) probably put him in his place a bit more.

Like you I recognise a lot of his traits in myself and SO many in my DH (who for the record, we think has inattentive ADHD although he won’t bother seeking a diagnosis).

I’d love to agree with PP that your DS will totally change and fall into line at school but it didn’t happen with mine! He is much better, and has steadily matured/improved as he’s moved through school. I have only had a small handful of comments
from teachers at the end of the day about him being tricky (he’s now 7, in year 2) but he can still be challenging at school - doesn’t listen first time, chats when he’s meant to be sat quietly, tries to wind teachers up…I think some children just have their own agenda more than others, so don’t be surprised if your DS continues to be a bit sparky when he goes to school!

Thanks for sharing @springhasspring22, I don't mind him staying sparky (and anyway, who wants a boring kiddo? ) I just don't want him to be "that kid".

Fwiw I don't see any adhd like traits in ds, he's just a very lively thing. Very bossy (possibly also like me) and busy, but can concentrate on things if he's interested.

I feel a bit bad about the multiple settings now bit am hoping it won't impede the transition to school.

Sorry to be clear it’s DH who we (me and DH) think has ADHD! Although DS and DH are scarily similar, but DS settles down well to do his actual school work so at the moment we’re not pursuing an assessment or anything.

Yes I know just what you mean. Luckily DS has a close friend who is “that kid” so he’s not himself…but I have to keep a bit of a short leash on him! I think some children (and adults to be fair) are more and less naturally compliant than others. DS is of the lesser category!

Funnily enough my DS also had multiple settings. Two days with one grandparent, one with another, one with me, one in nursery, and then started half day nursery some days when he was 3. It was all very mixed, no way of knowing if it confused things though.

I was thinking this too. I was also (relatedly) wondering if most of the other kids in his nursery are there full time, or at least more than he is. Assuming they are, they’ll find it easier to follow to routines than he will (“oh, today is just like yesterday, gotcha”) without having to “relearn” the routines after several days away. Think about it - they’re spending more waking hours in nursery than anywhere else. If your DS picks up on the fact that other kids find it easier than he does to simply get through the day, that could compound his frustration. (I was amazed when my 4-year-old DD missed a couple of days of kindergarten, and then came home in tears saying she’d “fallen behind”… what is there to fall behind on in kindergarten??? Kind of funny for me to wonder about, but the emotions for her were very raw).

Also, I’ve learned not to underestimate how cliquey 4-year-olds can be. If there are firm friendships in the class, it’s possible your DS isn’t anyone’s “best friend” if he isn’t around as much as other people. If kids don’t include him as much, they may not share as much, he may have more “cause” than other kids to want to hit… 😬

… all this to say… yep, next year with more consistency could well be easier!

I hope so. He's generally got a good group of friends he plays with a lot and a best friend there too, but thats a good point about others being there more having more routine. Gah, guilty for sending them too much, guilty for not sending them enough, does mothers guilt ever stop?! (Mostly light hearted)

no, it never does

Can confirm!