Desperate for help- 3 year old behaviour

[Thismummyrunstheshow]

I'm desperate for help. My 3 year old is unbearable to be around. She cries at everything and cries for the majority of her waking hours. She's horrid around her older sister, she hits her constantly so much so, my eldest pretty much has zero relationship with her now as she hates being around her.

My relationship with my partner is on the brink, we both can't cope. It's all too much. Most of the childcare when she isn't at her childminders falls on me as she is beyond clingy for me and doesn't want Daddy to do anything for her. So we split off for everything at home. Daddy sorts out our eldest and I'm stuck with the hardest one. This has in turn meant that I spend very little time with my eldest and when I do, I'm so emotionally and physically drained from her sister, it's a struggle to engage.

I have no motivation for anything right now, I feel like my youngest has today, sucked the very last bit of soul remaining and I'm just an empty shell of myself. I hate to say this, but I don't enjoy her at all. I dread being around her and struggle every day. She's been like this for nearly 2 years so can't be a 'phase'.

I feel completely detached from both my children as a result of this and I can't see a way out.

This is very extreme behaviour. what does the childminder say? Have you spoken to your HV or GP? It sounds like there's something going on with your 3yr old, and you need some help figuring it out.

As hard as it is, you and her DF need to lean in. Detachment will feed it the disregulation. Check out Mandy Saligari or Dan Siegal on YouTube/books.

Oh op that sounds really rough. A couple of things come to mind as a long time nursery nurse. What is her speech like? If she is not able to communicate this could be why she's crying and hitting. It could be worth looking into speech and language therapy. Also, along the same vein, could you ask for help from the local authority on children's services to have an assessment on her behaviour as they could help with strategies to help you deal with her behaviour.

I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing but her childminder sees none of this and doesn't know the half of it. The moment I pick her up and we step out of the childminders house it all starts. The refusal to get in the car, fighting me doing the seat clips and crying the whole way home. Every single day. This will continue until she goes to sleep.

Weekends obviously are a different story/routine.

I haven't spoken to a HV since her 2 year review (on the phone, covid times!) but I struggled to get the issues across over the phone then and felt like I wasn't understood. Almost dismissed due to her age and it being a phase.

Her speech, in my opinion, wasn't great up until the past 6 months where she has come on leaps and bounds. She is able to communicate with me well now and understands more than I sometimes realise.

Not sure if this is completely unrelated and she is just a different toddler to how I remember my eldest but she's so incredibly sensory- obsessed with blankets and is petrified of loud noises. Recently potty trained but terrified of public toilets due to the hand dryers. I tried to run the hoover round earlier after picking her up and had to carry her the entire time as she was scared and crying with the noise.
Grasping at straws with the above but thought I would add while in the flow of my outpouring.

With the sensory issues as well as what you've previously mentioned I would talk to her health visitor again and ask to be put in touch with someone who can assess her for possible additional needs

Diagnosing strangers' children is not something that should be done. But the possibility of your child being on the autistic spectrum came to my mind.

My 3 year old is quite similar and my feelings are quite similar. Our health visitor sent us on our local council Incredible Years course. I would say it was not unhelpful in terms of strategies and it was somewhere to commiserate with other parents having similar struggles. No diagnosis was required to access it. It has not by any means solved all our problems though and I’ve no idea what to do next. The lady that ran it suggested she could possibly refer to the OT because of sensory issues.